Reflection of a Year

New Years Eve is a special day, a day to think about all that you have done, all you can possibly do in the year to come. When I think back on the things that have happened in this year they sort of stun me. I have changed my life so drastically from what it was. I have been scared, lost, frustrated, sad, on the edge of what seemed like the the end of the world, I was also excited, proud, happy, in love. During this year I lost myself, found a new self, found passion, desire, love, new life, new expectations, confidence, found an outlet to change the world. Most importantly I found my voice, not the negative voice that I have been listening to for years, I found the confident voice, that tells me I'm doing the right thing, that tells me to keep going, that picks me up, that allows me to be me.

I started this year in a job that I loved, it made me crazy sometimes but what we did there was close to my heart so I did it. After being turned down by management for yet another promotion I had enough, I couldn't stay with a company that didn't appreciate my talents. I started looking for a new job and was offered one that sounded amazing. As I left my comfort zone, saying goodbye to seeing all of my best friends on a daily basis and went towards what I thought was my new career. In about two weeks I knew I wouldn't be able to do this new job. I felt like they had tricked me, it was nothing like I thought it would be. I was bored most of the day and was feeling bad about myself because of the atmosphere at the job.

This is where my voice came out for the first time, I knew I couldn't stay in this job, I said I was quitting and even though my family told me I shouldn't I knew I couldn't stay. I was prepared to be unemployed before going back. I was introduced to Arbonne during this time and after carefully considering I took the plunge.

As I started at another job and tried to juggle both I became more and more stressed. I was dreading going to work, stressed about my Arbonne business and not having the balance I needed. In August I broke, mentally I was done, I was put on medication and medical leave from work and spent a month doing nothing, hiding from the world. This was a scary time in my life, I couldn't see past it, I thought that this was it, that I was going to be broken for the rest of my life. I was defeated.

Insert my support system; my friends, my family, my new Arbonne family, they picked me up, they supported me, they dealt with me sitting on the couch, crying for no reason, being broken. They reminded me of the person I am, reminded me I am strong, that I can get through it. That my dreams will be hard to achieve but I could do it. I owe so much to them allowing me to find my path, though it is and will continue to be hard with them behind me I feel safe.

Now I am concentrating on building a business I feel so strongly about, I feel I can change the world with it. I just got engaged and am so excited to see what challenges that brings, I am proud of myself and the growth I achieved this year. I am excited to see 2012 and what it offers.

Off to Paradise!

After a splendid first week of being engaged where I spent my days looking at all the possibilities for our wedding I have decided to come back to reality. Thankfully reality this week includes an amazing holiday getaway featuring my wonderful family and stunning fiance. I am so excited to see my family, and only my family, my mom, dad and sister. It has been so long since I have been able to just hang out with them, getting quality time with just them. I am so looking forward to it, along with a week of heat, sand, water, good food, and relaxation! So Pumped!

I have no words

This weekend one of the most important moments in my life happened, my amazing, wonderful, loving boyfriend became my Fiance. I now have a beautiful ring on my finger, which I don't think I could have picked a better ring if I did it myself. My fiance has the best taste and I just can't stop staring at the shining beauty on my finger.

Other than the material part of this engagement I am ecstatic to be engaged simply because I have loved this man for so many years and now I get to start a new part of our journey together. I haven't been able to stop smiling or thinking about our wedding, our marriage and our life together since he placed this ring on my finger.

This man is my prince charming and I can't wait to start our life together.

Want

We live in a world where I feel we have developed a divide; either you have to be a person that loves material things or a person who lives a life of simplicity. This divide makes me unsure of where I stand, I feel like I have such a wonderful life that wanting things make me feel like a bad person. I feel like I shouldn't want anything because there are so many people in this world who have less. I only have first world problems, why should I even want anything?

I even feel bad writing this but the amount of things I want is to big to even fathom, I want everything and I kind of hate it. I hate the amount I want because I feel like I don't deserve them. Why should I get so much when I have so much already? Will I always have this ridiculous need for things? Will my want never subside?

And then the second question is, if I want all of these things, why am I so lazy? Why do I not get off my butt and work, why do I not go for the things I want? What is holding me back?

Does anyone know?

Money makes the world go round

I went to the mall tonight to do the small amount of Christmas shopping I needed to do. The mall was crazy and I immediately wanted to get out as soon as I stepped out of my car and into the mall itself. I made my way through the mall and a new experience came over me. I started seeing so many things I wanted to buy for the people in my life. Usually I have a problem with finding gifts but since this year I'm not buying my family presents (on account of our family's Christmas trip) I'm finding myself unable to ignore the perfect presents I see everywhere.

I wanted to buy all of my friends amazing presents, then buy wonderful wrapping paper to be able to see the amazing looks on their faces when they open the presents I bought them. To see the joy on their faces would be wonderful! I, however; am without the financial means to do this. I am without the financial means to do anything right now. The price of living my dream has finally caught up with me and I have no money, I laugh at this thought because I would rather live in a cardboard box than go back to a regular day job. I love Arbonne and I love being able to choose my life, I can't give that up, I need to make it work.

So when I am a wonderfully financially stable person I will be buying presents for everyone, not just at Christmas but when I see something that reminds me of a person I can just buy it. I won't need to worry, won't need to agonize over every penny spent.

I also want to bring my friends on awesome trips, and to the spa when I am wonderfully financially stable, to be able to just say lets celebrate for all the support they have given me over the years. I love my friends and family and cannot wait to be able to show it.

Dreams

I have often found dreams an extremely interesting part of a persons life, looked into the meaning of them, love hearing about others' dreams and loved discussing them with anyone who would. I have been told by a friend about how her dreams have been basically torturing her and I'm starting to think mine are too. I can't sleep, and when I do I have constant reminders of my past. People I haven't seen in years begging me for my help in horrific crimes. I wake up at times in tears, feeling as if my heart is going to slam out of my chest and have no recollection of the dream itself.

Along with the dreams I can't remember I have dreams that my loving, wonderful boyfriend has decided to leave me or cheat on me or in some cases physically harm me. The worst part about these dreams are not the act themselves but the fact that he doesn't ever care. In the dreams I am begging him to talk to me about what happened and he just dismisses me like I was never worth anything. These dreams I remember ever detail.

These dreams are so cruel, so real, so heart wrenching that I can barely bring myself to get out of bed when I do wake. The only reason I usually do is to flee the site of my torturous nightmare, trying to block it from my mind.

Do others have this? Do others have to deal with their mind constantly berating them with awful concepts, their deepest darkest fears laid out for them night after night. Then the dreams I can't remember, which leave me in an even deeper despair because I can't remember what is making me feel like I can't breathe. Stuck in a perpetual hole that I can't climb out of.

The third type of nightmare I have are the ones that I am physically stuck, I lay without control of my body unable to move but able to think. Wanting to wake but only being able to half scream, aware that others around but no one can save me. Trying to scream, when I finally wake up I am physically exhausted and scared to go back to sleep. I no longer nap in my own bed because this is where these dreams most likely happen.

These adult nightmares plague me, I am no longer hunted by a kidnapper but a much more real fear. The fear that I will be alone, that I won't know what's going on, that I being left out, that I am stuck and will never get out. The amount of times I have waken up with tears in my eyes, or cried out loud during the night is getting exhausting. How am I supposed to live a life with all of these things weighing on me? How am I supposed to make a living like this, I feeling like my options are getting smaller, I feel hopeless.

Compassion

As I start this month, now 4 days in, I am overwhelmed with the amount I need to do in my business. My wonderful team has decided to take this month slowly, which is the amazing part of this business! If you want to take a break you can take a break. So amazing for them but puts a little more pressure on me to complete Area this month. Now I want to complete this month, I don't want to have to push myself this hard again next month with the constant goal hanging over my head (which I love and hate). However it is December, so I basically have half the month that I usually do, and my team is taking the month off and no one will call me back!

This is what I would like to write about, compassion from people in the world. No one will call me back, I understand that people are busy and life is complicated but the thought that you can't call another human being for long enough to say I'm sorry but I'm not interested in hosting a get together for you is sort of ridiculous.

I'm feeling really down tonight, just because I want to share this amazing gift with others (I mean being healthy and also the awesome business) but I understand it's not for everyone so when you say no I'm okay with it. Just say no, call me back and let me know. The funny thing is once a person calls another person back they realize hey this person is asking me to be a part of their life, then its too hard to say no.

Is that so bad? I sell lipstick and rouge yes, but I also sell my ability to live my life in the way I choose and without selling lipstick and rouge I have to go back to a regular day job. I don't want that, I also don't want to have to ask my parents for money, or make my boyfriend support me. I'm just feeling sad at the fact that people won't even take the time out of their day to call me back and I'm fighting to pay my rent.

Yes I can be dramatic but it is also true and I'm mad so I'm complaining.

I just want to be able to live my life the way I want to, I just want someone else to say yes I will invite 3 of my friends over and you can talk for 30 minutes and let us play with products, that's all I want.

Lastly I apologize for my awful grammar, I'm too annoyed to edit tonight.

Ever Feel Like Your Just a Number?

I spent the morning getting multiple medical tests, just another day trying to figure out what illness ales me. I received an ultra sound (and no I'm not pregnant), blood and urine tests; performed at 2 different facilities and I was shocked at my encounters.

As I was called for my ultra sound the woman said hello and how are you, though she started walking down the hallway without waiting for the answer. Now this isn't a shock, people I know ask me about my day and don't really care about the answer so this wasn't out of the ordinary. I rushed to follow this woman down a series of hallways and she points me to a change room says strip to the waste and put this on open to the back, handing me a paper gown. I barely made out what she said since she said it so fast and I had to clarify what I had to do.

As I changed I thought, where do I leave my clothes and stick my head out to see and she just users me into another room, saying bring your clothes. So I go into the room and she gets me to lie down, she tucks a paper sheet into my underwear and pulls the gown up so it is just covering my breasts and starts the exam. What I'm thinking in my head goes a little like this "well it would be nice to know your name? or how the test is going to be performed? or what you are doing?" She continues to give me prompts asking me to breathe deep, hold my breath and so on, we have no other conversation. After she is done I mention that it hurt quite a bit during the test but since I knew she had to do it I didn't say anything. She brushes this off and gives me a weird unrelated explanation on why they get me to breathe so deep during the test then gives me some paper towel, says my test results will be given to my doctor in 2 days and leaves the room. So I clean myself off and go on my way.

Next test was the blood and urine tests, I was called by a woman who did not say my name correctly (but really who does?) but didn't even have the courtesy to say sorry did I get that right? As she took me into the room I started to say I grow faint when I get my blood taken, and as I say it I point to the sign on the wall telling me to tell them as a joke to lighten the mood. She cuts me off and walks out of the room saying okay we will lay you down. As I reach the room she tells me to get onto the bed and checks my veins (now I will admit that during this time she was very nice asking me if I was okay but I have a feeling its because she didn't want me to pass out or puke on her). After the blood test she said okay now we need a urine sample; hands me the cup and points to the bathroom. Then after I asked she explained where I put the sample when I am done.

So I go into the bathroom and there are very clear instructions on how to collect the sample on a sign on the wall, but what if I couldn't read? Or what if I had questions? The woman was gone so fast I didn't have an opportunity to ask anymore questions.

As I waited for my boyfriend to come pick me up all I could think about was the standard of health care in our country. Now some people would say that I am lucky that I am able to have those tests done without paying for it, and to a degree I agree with them. The problem is I am just a number to those people, none of the tests I had were explained to me, I don't know the names of the people who performed them, I wasn't even asked to confirm any personal information. The woman left the door open while I was getting my blood taken! I could see the waiting room!

I have had a lot of tests, I have had sedation put into my arm without my knowledge, I have had to ask to see a doctor before a test was performed (to ask questions the nurse couldn't answer), I have waited 3 months to see a specialist and when I had the appointment I actually didn't speak to the doctor! The technician did my test and I only saw the doctor through a curtain. I think when in a medical situation you have speak up for yourself, you have to ask the questions and you have to be assertive. Otherwise you go home with more questions then answers.

But the situation is truly sad, being a number is sad, feeling like you don't matter when you getting a test to find out what's wrong with you is sad. Something needs to change

A New Idea

A wonderful friend of mine sent this to me the other day, it made me think and I think I love it...

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.” 
— 
Hugh Mackay


... okay I know I love it

High's and Low's

Today I read the post of my best friend and it really got me thinking, she spoke of how she can change moods instantly and the extremes give her whiplash. I immediately connected with this thought since my own moods can cause permanent physical damage when they choose to swing. Today for instance I went from intense worry, to deep sadness, to ecstasy, then finally melancholy. Why do these feelings torture me so much, why can't I just be happy, the extremes are too much to deal with. I want consistency.

One of my biggest flaws is my impatience, I don't like to wait and I can most of the time I voice this dislike quite loudly. My mother once told me not to wish my days away because one day they will be gone and I will want them back. I can't help it though I want more money, I want to be able to get the things I crave in life, I don't want to stand still anymore. I want to prove to the world that Arbonne is not a "thing" that I am a smart person and I chose correctly. That just because I don't work in an office doesn't mean I'm not successful. I am 6883 QV away from my goal, I have 1 business meeting, 1 personal party, 10 team parties and a small trade show. All of these things seem to add up to an Area but I am scared it won't. I am scared that I will get so close and it will be taken away from me. I am scared I will have to keep struggling, fighting for my place in this world. I am scared I will keep standing still, never moving forward, always stuck in my perpetual cycle of highs and lows.

I am especially scared that if I make this goal and I get what I think I want that I will still be stuck in this cycle. What if I spend my life looking for what I want only to find out that what I wanted was here all along. Why can't I just be happy with my good life, why are humans always dissatisfied with everything. Why do we want until we can't want anymore?

Scared of what?

I haven't been blogging lately, I couldn't really figure out why at first, I guess I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts. When I was talking about the subject with my beautiful bestie I mentioned that I felt scared, that what I was thinking wasn't able to be read by the public. Then my wonderfully insightful friend brought up the fact that no one I know really reads my blog and why should I be worried? It made me stop and think; what am I scared of? Why do I worry about what the world thinks? As I pondered this thought I came to realize its myself I'm worried about. If I write down the thoughts in my head then it makes them real, makes them have more substance somehow.

Truthfully I'm scared, I get scared when I feel sad that I will always feel that way, I get scared when I am happy. Scared that the crash will be so huge this time that I won't recover. Scared of failure, of unhappiness, of doubt.

I have finally found something that makes me happy, makes me feel like I am making a difference and most importantly something that will make me money. All of this rolled into one feels too good to be true and I feel like I am holding my breath until reality checks in. I am building a team and I have one rock star already I just need 3 more. I feel I can make it to the top in this business and I want it so badly.

I have to acknowledge that I am the only person who can hold me back. I need to stop the negative thoughts in my head. I need to have the fire I had on the last day of October. I need to be positive.

Completion of the Road to Area

I wrote the other day about my goal of becoming first step Area Manager and how I was being positive but I didn't think that it was achievable in the next 4 days. I had an amazing party with my new consultant and was about 1668 away from my goal. I was staring at my webstats thinking about how to achieve this goal when I got a phone call from my RVP. I don't speak with this woman a lot so a phone call from her made me feel pretty special. She asked me if I thought I could make my goal and if I wanted to and when I said yes she gave me the tools to achieve my goal and I did! I started at 2 in the afternoon and went until 10 with no stops, no breaks, just calling "dialing for dollars". I didn't even want to start, it didn't even cross my mind to stop, M brought me supper, tea and my passion fueled me to keep going.

I was on this high that the word no didn't effect me and I just felt bad for the people who weren't taking me up on my amazing deal. Every sale I made gave me a rush to dial again and push towards that goal. Yesterday my support system came through for me like never before; I had my boyfriend who not only called all of his family for me but got one of his co-workers to order from me just to help me reach my goal. I had my Arbonne upline calling me, sending me encouraging texts, giving me the focus I needed to keep going. These people believe in my ability and this business so much that it was just me saying I want this and they were there to give me the tools I needed. My friends and family gave me everything I needed, ordered if they could or gave me encouraging words if they couldn't order.

When the clock turned 10 and my day was over I had reached my goal! I did it, I looked at that wonderful 8043 with 16 new PCs in my successline and felt such pride in myself. This feeling is amazing and not something I have experienced much in the past, this goal was a crazy one, and I told everyone I was going to do it, I wanted it and it wasn't easy but I still did it. I'm proud of myself.

November is a new month and it comes with an even bigger goal so I have to keep this passion, keep my belief pitcher full and give all I can to my team. They are the key to reaching Area Manager and I am so excited.

Yesterday's push gave me joy, seeing myself the way my support system does. Realizing that no isn't a big deal. Realizing that I will be an Area Manager on December 1, 2011.

The Road to Area

So I decided at the first of the month that I wanted to become Area Manager by the first of December, this means having to complete the first step of the 2 month qualification process in October. I am now at October 27th and have reached about half way to my goal. Now, will I be able to get the rest in the next 4 days? I'm trying to think positively but everything will have to go my way in the next couple of days to achieve this goal.

I look back at my activity this month and I had a lot of business builder meetings but still only put on 2 of my own parties. I have 2 consultants who launched this month supplementing with 2 parties each but volume wise it wasn't enough. I am not throwing in the towel just yet because I have 3 maybe 4 more parties left this month and feel they are going to be good ones. Either way in November I will have to be a party throwing machine so I can get the volume and paycheck I need.

I am so pumped about my new consultant K, not only because she is a good friend but because it has been a long process getting her into the business. She had a bad experience with a company like this when she was younger so she was quite skeptical about getting into this. Yesterday she called me and said she was so happy about how things were going so far and the amount of support she was getting was amazing. This made my heart sing! I am so happy that I am able to give her the support that has been given to me.

Now I need to make a plan for the next couple of days and also for November, I need to have my head in the game the whole month. I need to pump myself up and be ON all month long. I love plans, love making to do lists, love crossing things off those lists. I will be an Area Manager.

Perspective

I spent the evening with my closest friends celebrating the 22nd birthday of one of my best friends. I love this friend for everything she is and everything she does. Her care for others is unwavering and seeing her happy made the evening a success.

We went for drinks, then dancing, then a nice walk home, though I developed a huge blister and figured out I am ridiculously out of shape,it was still an amazing night with only a little bit of drama.

This was until 4 in the morning when we were woken by a domestic dispute directly outside our hotel room door. As my birthday girls' night in shining armor (in this case quite literally) sprinted out the door we followed and came upon these two people, both yelling about calling 911, the wife saying no, the husband saying yes. Our knight had placed himself in between the woman and man and the fear I saw on this woman's face was terrifying. There was such a mix of emotions on her face that I instantly wanted to take her in my arms and tell her it was going to be okay. You could also tell she was unbelievably embarrassed to be in this situation which is the perpetual viscous circle that women in abusive relationships go through.

As we ushered the woman into one of our rooms away from her husband the hotel employee came up saying a disturbance had been reported. J (our knight) started to explain that he saw the man hit his wife and he was just trying to stop it. It was late I was scared and I felt sick to my stomach because this small town girl has never really been this close to such a horrible situation.

After we made sure the woman was okay, her, her sister-in-law, and her husbands brother went with the hotel employee downstairs and the husband went into his room. We sort of looked at each other not knowing what to do and eventually went back into our rooms. We instructed the girls in the other room (who had been taking care of the wife) not to open their door for anyone and when we got back into our room the hotel employee called to make sure we were okay.

The worst part of this whole experience was the things that the husband and his brother were saying. Though I don't think the brother knew he had hit his wife, the excuses were just flowing out of their mouths. "my brother drank too much and his wife doesn't like when he drinks, that's all this argument is about, "this is a family matter, please go back to your room." The husband even tried to say that we were making this was a race issue and we should mind our own business.

I just wanted to scream at him that it had nothing to do with him being a different race this has to do with the fact that your wife's screams woke us up and our friend saw you physically fighting! It infuriates me that people can just sit back and mind their own business when things like this happen in the world. It is such a hopeless situation to be in, to love someone so much and have them betray you like that. Not everyone has the ability to be strong and walk away, not everyone has the resources to start a new life.

We found out in the morning that the man was arrested, which makes me happy though I wish I could talk to the wife. I wish I could be there for her, be only on her side whatever she wants. I hope this is not an on going situation and I hope she doesn't ever have to be hurt again. I hope she remembers the horror on our faces and realizes that there is another way to live.

It was such strange night and on the drive home I couldn't help but think about how lucky I am, my friends are an amazing group of people who I have common interests with and who make me feel comfortable to be myself around. I have fought my way through friends I was forced to be with, girls I had nothing in common with, feeling like I was the strange one because I didn't fit in. I found my place, found girls who I am so proud to call my friends. I am open and honest with them, I love and cherish these friendships more because our small drama before the big reminded me of a life I used to live. It reminded me of how far I have come and how I never have to go through it again.

Working Towards Livable Life

Disclaimer: I have been drinking


I have been working so hard to live the way I want to, I have been working daily, weekly and monthly to be the person that I want to be. To live the life I want to live, even if I don't know specifically what that is. I have wants that go through my head, the want to be healthy, exercise, do all the things that everyone thinks is "what you should do". Though the wants are there I have no immediate drive to do them, and for me to do something about it that drive needs to foster inside until I can't ignore it anymore. I bought an Ipod tonight so I could go for walks and finally get the exercise my body craves. Who knows what will develop in the months to come? I decided a long time ago that a little bit of exercise is better than none so until my mind is satisfied with this exercise I am going to run with it.

I acknowledge my emotional connection to Arbonne, I understand that when someone says no I feel it is a personal assault. I am getting so much better though, better at being strong, better at separating Arbonne from my personal life. Though I know I will never be able to fully separate the two, because this is who I am and that emotional person is someone I have become pretty fond of.

I'm happy right now, yes I have my bad days but I am happy with the fact that I can choose my life. I can choose what I do every day and how much I work. I am able to have the alone time I need to be a better person, friend, relative and girlfriend.

I know that in the days to come I will be stressed, I will have bad days where I want to throw in the towel. I will be scared of not having enough money and of not being the perfect daughter, friend and girlfriend. I will be upset because I didn't reach the goals I set. Though this is the case and though I am working on it, I think I will be okay, I think (today) that the world is an okay place.

New Look

I changed the look of the blog today, I really have no patience for things like that. I kind of go until I get a feeling and then stop. It usually only takes me a couple of minutes to make the decision. I know it is dark but I like the contrast of the words and the soft grey. I've always been drawn to grey, I think its because things stand out so much better against grey. It really is a beautiful color.

I spent the morning feeling sorry for myself, this always happens when I wake up in a bad mood. I just don't understand how I can be so disadvantaged right away to start the day. I have things to do and a life to lead. I want to want to do those things. So after venting to my beautiful confidant I kicked myself into gear, got in the shower and started my day. I did 2 follow ups for Arbonne, planted a few seeds that I hope will benefit my growing team in the future. It was not a lot of effort but I took the time to congratulate myself instead of looking for outside gratification like I usually do. (It's something I'm trying to work on) I have a couple of other calls to make tonight but I am happy I got off the couch.

So after I got home I started making wish lists, things that I wanted like new clothes, travel, financial goals (all material things because the love I have in my life is thankfully overflowing and amazing). Making lists seem to calm me down, I think to be able to see everything laid out in front of me, it makes the things I have to do in life not seem so stressful. It's like in a list I know exactly what has to be done, there is no mystery.

I want to go area by December in Arbonne and I know that only I am standing in my way. I need to work a little harder every day to make contacts and follow up with people. I have been doing such a good job so far keeping my days filled with activity and if I could just book one more party (making it 3 total for the rest of the month) I would be so happy. I am proud of the things I am accomplishing, not just in my activity but in my response to activity. I am taking no's a lot lighter that I used to and acknowledging that they are just a part of my business. I have not let my fire go out and I don't think it will.

I have a long way to go to reach my QV goal but it is so attainable I can taste it. I have a problem with making up scenarios in my head about my success and I think sometimes my imagination runs away with me. If the world could see the amazing business I am building in my head everyone would want to join.

The Need to Ramble

I warn you now, this post may not make any sense, may not have any structure and is guaranteed to jump from topic to topic. I have a lot on my mind and feel like this may be the best way to get things organized.

Now as I stare at the page I can't seem to make the words flow the way I think they should. I have been having problems sleeping, not from awful anxiety like before but with excitement surrounding Arbonne. I think about how to make more contacts, work out what I am going to say to potential business builders, think about who I am going to sell product to, I can't stop thinking about it. Then I don't sleep well. end up sleeping in too late and feel sluggish in the morning. During the day I have a block, I think its fear, fear that I will make it through all of my contacts and not furthered my business in anyway.

I worry about money, worry about not being able to pay my bills and having to go get another job. I don't want to do that, I don't want to have to go back to answering to someone else. I love working my business and having the freedom that Arbonne gives me. I just want the money to equal the amount of effort I feel I put in. I think its because I have so much heart in this business, so much of myself. I know I shouldn't feel so emotional about business but I am a woman and telling me not to be emotional is like telling me not to breathe.

I have a strange way of doing things, my mind has a certain way of processing and preparing before I can get any work done. I guess its like a nesting period before I can get work done. I had the same thing in university. I feel like I need to put myself on a better regime to promote efficiency and effectiveness. I'm such a planner, though sometimes that's all I do. I need to focus on action and not worry about having things be perfect all the time.

I need to get off my butt and focus on action

A Call to Action

I have made the decision, I want to be an Area Manager with Arbonne. I made my 30, 60 and 90 day goals and have a plan to achieve them. I will be Area by the start of 2012. I have a fire inside of me and it is bursting with Arbonne. I have been hard core using the training tools given to me by Arbonne, listening to learn and burns, national calls, looking up product knowledge. I am doing my asks; my calendar is half full and growing. I have a lot of potential business builders all I need is to portray to them that this is a gift and that being on my team will be amazing. I am going to the top of this business and I'm going to take anyone who wants come with me.

I was so excited last night about the planning I have done and the direction my business is going in I couldn't sleep. I want to do this business all the time, I have Arbonne fever.

I was listening to a nation meeting call yesterday and my NVP said, this is a call to action, this moment is for you to jump start your business into what you want it to be. I want to be at the top, I want to earn the trips, make the money, have my freedom, love my life. This is the gift I see in Arbonne, this is the gift I want to share.

Focusing on my goals has helped me get through, even the no's I hear aren't as bad as they used to be because I know the yes' will come. I love the confidence I have in Arbonne because it makes me confident in myself, something I have a hard time feeling.

My Arbonne family gives me the strength to know that things will be okay, that set backs are normal and everyone struggles. Being around that many strong women makes my heart sing.

I had to post because I think my friends are getting Arbonne overdose. I have be laying it on a little thick lately. This doesn't make me worry, it makes me laugh that I have something I'm passionate about. I've been looking for it.

Now what if I don't make Area? What if I don't make my goals? Truthfully, I can't see that happening, if I stick to my plan it will happen. If I do everything I have planned it will all fall into place. And if it doesn't, and I don't make Area that's okay. I say this truthfully, I love sharing Arbonne with people, I love educating them, helping them have a healthy life. I'm happy I have found this gift. Let me share it with you, this is a call to action.

Inspiration Weekend

This weekend was my very first training conference for Arbonne, it started Friday morning and when I woke up early to shower and get ready I was greeted by a stomach ache, of course. I was nauseated but very excited about the conference so I pushed the feeling to the back of my mind and kept going.

When I arrived at the conference I was overwhelmed by the number of women; 1800 in total, milling around waiting for the doors to open to rush to a good seat. I registered alone because G (formerly known as Q) and the others were running late, but while waiting in line I met this wonderful woman from Ontario. She helped me through the process seeing that I looked a little lost and then offered to hang out with me until I found the women I was looking for. The kindness she showed was amazing and warmed my heart instantly. After meeting up with everyone and rushing to our seats the conference started off with a talk on leadership, given my this beautiful 28 year old woman who I late found out is one of the top earners in Canada. How I wanted that, I wanted to be able to provide for myself and love my life the way these woman and men do. I was burning with passion by lunch. I felt on fire with desire and the fact that they were giving me the secrets to their success was amazing.

This is when I realized that in a world where employee loyalty means nothing, and employers think they can replace an employee faster than work on their skills and give them a chance. In a world where employers will not give you a promotion because they like where you are better I have found a company that believes in me. The people above me want me to do well. They want me to achieve my dreams because they want to share what they have. They refer to it as the gift of Arbonne, a gift of being able to deliver someone's dreams to them, all you need is to be willing to work. Activity every day that's all that is needed.

I came home Friday on fire and slept through the night for the first time in about 3 months, when I woke up I couldn't believe it! I got up way earlier than I had to and proceeded to dance around my apartment while I got ready. I was ecstatic to go back to the conference and soak up all of the secrets and strategies.
The day was just as great as the last though by the end my brain kind of felt like mush, having not been used in the last month and then used with vigor for 2 solid days.

Sunday came and with it another day of training, I met my new consultant and I am so excited for her, I cannot wait to see her dreams come true. I cannot wait to be there for her like G is there for me.

Now it is Tuesday, and Monday was very successful, I booked a party and have a great start to my month. However; Tuesday has brought thoughts of doubt and loneliness, I realize that no matter what I have in my life I still have depression. It's not going to go away easily and as much as I want to be better I'm not going to be for a while. I have to take it at face value and not let it effect me for too long. Leaning hard on my beautiful new roommate I have been picked up and dusted off. Told to think of my well being first and all things after.

I still worry, my mind still races around thinking of all the things I should be doing. Nothing can force me, at the conference a woman told a story about motivation. The end moral was no one can motivate you but you. I see great wisdom in this and know that when it counts I will do what I have to do.

I took many things from this weekend, a renewed sense of purpose, a rekindled passion for success in reaching my own goals, a small view of the person I hope to be one day and a direction towards all of these things.

I woke up today feeling very down, feeling like I should just stay in bed. I did for a while, I watched a movie in my bed but eventually I became uncomfortable and got up. I tried to read outside but I found it too cold, then I tried to read inside but my book wasn't interesting. I laid on the couch for a while staring at the ceiling not really thinking about anything. I ate a crappy breakfast which will inevitably make my stomach hurt later today. I am just feeling very down.

I hate these days, more because I had such a good day yesterday and sort of thought I had figured some stuff out. I always do that, I proclaim that I am feeling good, that I am feeling on track and then I wake up and feel like this. Feel like my brain has just given me a taste of what I could be like so I can be even more sad when it is taken away.

I tried to not put a lot of importance on it. I am just in a bad mood, not a big deal. But I don't want to be in this bad mood, I have things to do and for once I feel like doing them. I have the motivation but the actual action does not seem to want to show itself.

I am going home in a couple of days, and truthfully I'm getting scared. I don't know how to be around my family anymore because I feel like I have changed so much from the person that I was. I just feel like I need to isolate myself from the world. I know my family will love me no matter what I'm just not sure what to do. I am feeling lost in this.

I want to write more, to get everything out of my head and out of my life. I want the feeling that it is all out there and I don't have to deal with it anymore, however I feel like I have said it all before. I feel like I am just repeating myself in different words. I know I worry too much, I know I should just do what I want but I just don't have the strength some days. It's like trying to diet and never being able to loose the weight. Like I finally lost a pound only to find out next week I gained it back.

Hiding

Alright, I admit it, I have been hiding from my blog. I have been actually hiding from the world and only today did I have the strength to return to this world, though who knows for how long. What brought on this hiding? I hit my wall, I hit bottom, I went spiraling into a downturn and for a while didn't know if I was going to come out.

You all know I have been struggling with my life and what I want from it. Growing up without an opinion has made me a 24 year old with no sense of self. I have lead my life conforming myself to everyone around me to enable the most harmonious state of being. This seemed like a good idea growing up and I sort of did it without thinking. I didn't even realize how detrimental this was to me until I started this journey and I feel I will continue to feel the effects for a long time. I feel I will struggle with this my whole life.

I quit my job about 3 weeks ago, I finally said this is enough, I need time for me. This act came after a Wednesday night where everything I had been dealing with collided in what can only be described as an earth shattering event. I was struggling with my illness, struggling with anxiety and a depression that came over me so fast and hard that I was literally having trouble breathing. It felt like it would never end and I would never get out of it. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life, I still think of it and shiver. I now have a greater respect for anyone who has dealt with or deals with depression and anxiety, they are truly stronger than anyone (including themselves) know.

So after this event happened I went to work the next day and used all of my energy to keep from falling apart. I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I went to the doctor the next day and she put me on an antidepressant, gave me ativan for the anxiety attacks and told me to take a couple weeks off work.

So here I am, trying to take time for myself, trying to figure out what I want to do. Truthfully most days I do nothing. Some days I feel like getting out of bed is the hardest thing imaginable and I am proud of myself when I finally achieve it. The first week of work I watched movies, read my book, did anything to keep my mind from wandering.

I am trying to concentrate on one thing, simply me. Listening to myself and what I want to do in my life, without anyone else's opinion. I have come to a couple of conclusions over the last couple of weeks, firstly I want to travel, secondly I joined a ballet class because I have always wanted to be a ballerina, and thirdly I want to have someone pay for me to go to their restaurant just because my opinion matters, I want to become a foodie.

These things may or may not make me happy, but trying them is the only way to find out. I'm going to be staring a new blog about food and restaurants and the delicious things in life.

I haven't gotten out of the hole I spiraled into yet, because it is a long way down. The good news though, is that I have stopped spiraling. Now I'm at the bottom but I'm just checking things out down here, I'm concentrating on finding a safe way back out.

Revelation

Last week I read a number of beautiful posts by my very close friends, and I was overwhelmed by their uplifting words, positive images and love. I have been working on a lot of things over the last year. Making my upbringing and my current world make sense together, battling my ever changing mood swings, starting a business. The list could go on forever and ever.

The point is I have taken so much strength from these new wonderful women in my life and slowly but surely I am able to calm myself down, make decisions on my own and stop myself from internalizing everything. I am not perfect, but I am getting better. Today I had a revelation and it may not seem like much to anyone else but its pretty good for me.

I was upset about not making Arbonne follow up calls on Sunday night, usually this would bring a night of dwelling and self loathing, complete with unceasing chatter. Somehow that didn't happen, I just thought, I didn't want to, so I didn't. Seems simple right? It has taken me so long to get to that.

Then today I was cranky because I didn't sleep, I thrashed in my sleep and actually got tangled in my sheets at one point. I felt like screaming when I had to get up and go to work. Normally I would be cranky all day and think about it until I basically made myself sick. Today that didn't happen, I noticed around 10:30 I didn't feel so cranky anymore. I thought maybe I'm just not a morning person, maybe its okay if I'm cranky in the morning. Maybe some mornings will be different. Just because something is, doesn't mean it will always be. The world is always changing.

Along with this new found ability to stop being cranky I decided I am going to be less frugal with my money. I will still save for my Christmas vacation but am going to treat myself more. I have the feeling I will like going to work more if I like what I'm wearing. Feeling frumpy can really put a damper on your day.

These things may seem so simple to all of you, seem just unnecessary to even think about but they used to rule my life. Now they only take over every so often. I am moving forward and I am so glad.

What is will not always be so, it may be scary but its true

I am so tired of writing about my mood swings

I've been not posting lately, not feeling the urge. Well actually feeling like posting but feeling like I'm just going to say the same things over and over so I choose not to post for fear of being redundant. I am on the brink of my business taking off (or it has the potential too) and I wish that it would so much. I want to be successful at this like yesterday and am not very good at being patient.

I had a hard week concerning my stomach, not only did it hurt a lot but I am at the point where I feel like all I do is complain about how much it hurts and I start feeling like people are rolling their eyes at me when I talk about it. I feel like the world either thinks I'm a faker, an exaggerator, a baby, a complainer or all of the above, I just feel like they are just as sick of it as I am. The thing is, I have to deal with it almost 24 hours a day so maybe its okay that I speak up every hour and say something about it. I shouldn't have to feel this way, I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but it makes me mad! I have had to deal with this since I was 6 years old, I'm done now. I want a new set of intestines please.

I've also been very homesick this week, I miss my mom, dad and sister. Along with my home, friends and the ease of just being in a place where everyone knows my business and would stop and ask if I was okay if they saw me crying. I want to go home for a visit so badly and Friday I am finding out if I get vacation at Christmas. If I do that's awesome and I will be booking my trip down south (with the fam) and if I have to work I'm booking a flight home at thanksgiving and I will have a count down on.

This city gets to me the more I get homesick... or I get more homesick the more the city gets to me. Either way I am getting tired of the rushing, the traffic, smokers, the homeless people. Okay now I feel like a bad person.

I went to my business builder meeting and learned a lesson (I'm calling it that so I don't hate myself so much) you should always confirm meetings the day of the meeting. Otherwise you end up wasting your and your uplines time. Booo why can't I just find someone who loves Arbonne as much as me? Mike is such an incredible resource for me, he calms me down when I am angry. Gives me advice about sales calls, and I'm not that nice to him. That's why I love him, because he knows me, knows what I need even when I don't.

I have a great weekend a head of me, I have to start looking at the positive things in life, take a hint from C and love my life. If my mood swings didn't rule my life I think that would be a lot easier.

No Sleep for Me

I can't sleep, and when I can't sleep I get mad because I will be super tired at work tomorrow and probably feel sick and my whole day will be ruined. This thought alone keeps me awake worrying about my ruined day when really if I just fell asleep everything would be fine.

I have so much on my mind, I'm excited about jump starting my business this weekend at the heritage festival, meeting new people and working on talking to strangers about Arbonne instead of my friends. I have a party booked for late August, a drop out and an order pending. I can't stop thinking about the people  in my life who I think would be perfect for this job. I want to be able to share this experience with someone and truthfully I want to start making more money.

I can see this opportunity working for so many people in so many ways. It just makes sense in my mind I want to talk about it all the time. I'm trying not to annoy my friends too much with it but I believe in it so much. I want people to love it as much as I do.

I signed up for the training session in September today and realized its on a Thursday, Friday and Saturday so I guess I'm going to be asking for that time off of at work tomorrow. My work may turn a little crazy in the next month or so because my boss is leaving. She is finding it too hard to raise her child at the same time as working so she is leaving the company. I feel this will add stress to my job so if I'm not thinking about Arbonne I'm thinking about that.

Along with my own thoughts crowding my head, my boyfriend has started writing a book. I am so excited to see him excited about something and the story is just incredible. I can't wait to see the story grow, develop and am so happy that he has found something that gives him that smile he's been missing. I am just blown away by the concepts that come out of his mind and love that he values my opinion to help his creative process.

So many things, so much to do and I sometimes want to run and hide from everything. I find Arbonne stressful because I don't have any real goals yet (other than have it be a full time career). I am scared to make goals because I am scared to fail. I am currently judging my success based on their goals which is not good. I need to find a balance of doing Arbonne and not feeling guilty when I take a break. My overall, super broad goal of course is happiness. Do what makes me happy, even staying up and having some alone time makes me happy (though I fear I will pay for it tomorrow).

When I went to the Arbonne training they got us to write down our passion, to form our vision of why we do this, why Arbonne. I could come up with so many things but it really came down to me deciding my fate. Me deciding what I was going to do and when, not having to listen to anyone else. (I guess the boys in university who didn't like authority kind of rubbed off on me.)

My sister got me a picture for Christmas that says "Live what you Love", a couple of months ago I had no idea what I loved. I have a better idea now and I think Arbonne is one of those things. I need (want) to nurture it and make it grow to keep it in my life.

So many random thoughts swimming around in my head, no wonder I can't sleep, welcome to the chatter everyone. Hope you enjoyed.

Fight, Hope, Live

I was reading my beautiful friend A's blog today and she was talking about tattoos. Discussing the one that she wants and why it means so much to her. It got me thinking about the tattoo I have been thinking about getting since my second year in university. 


The tattoo idea came from a girl I met in first year university. She was amazing, one of the most wonderful and different people I have ever met. I lived next door to her in residence and she introduced me to a new world when I met her. It wasn't like she was selfless or a saint or anything. She loved to drink, go out to the bar, gossip, talk about boys, talk about girls. She was a regular 20 year old girl who had just moved away from her parents for the first time. As much as she was an average girl she also had something, something that made people love her so much. She was intoxicating, she had a passion for life that was undeniable, she danced like the devil (in a good way) and sang like an angel. She would do anything for a friend and loved to tell stories, to anyone who would listen. I could go on and on about how amazing she was in every way and I could also tell you about what pissed me off about her because she wasn't a perfect person but she loved life and made me love it. 


We were walking home from the hip hop dance class I was taking (she was teaching) one day when J turned to me and said "my cancer is back, I know, I can feel the tumor and I'm scared to go to the doctor because I don't want them to confirm it". This stunned me, one because she was the bravest person I knew at the time, and two because at that moment I knew I would lose her. We walked home in silence holding hands because I didn't want to comfort her with empty words and she wanted to ignore her cancer for a little while longer. 


This was the second time J had cancer, when J was 12 she was diagnosed with a ridiculously rare type of cancer, she fought and she won. When 1st year came around she went back to the doctor and they confirmed her fear. I spent the next 2 years driving back and forth to the hospital in Halifax on the weekends and worrying during the week. It was an experience that changed my life, made me grow up and truly showed me the amazing person she was. Every time I walked into that hospital room she was smiling, ready to entertain and always up for anything, even though I knew she was in pain.


I saw so many aspects of this illness and how it effects everyone differently, her dad who never gave up hope (they ended up taking her to the US and she lived for 1 year 1/2 more than her original diagnosis). I saw her mom lose her will to do anything but be with her daughter (at the expense of her other children) and I saw her always enjoying the moment always remembering to live. 


When I think of J I think of living, of doing only what you want and not caring what people think. Of being proud of your strengths, your talents and being eager to share them with the world. She taught me it is okay to buy yourself things, and pamper yourself. She showed me how to live.


After she died I kept thinking of the tattoo; Fight, Hope, Live, things she did so well. I miss her terribly and I think it's time the tattoo makes it to my body. Thanks A for the encouragement.

Stress

I have been having a bad week, I spent the weekend doing things I didn't really want to do and ended up really tired for Monday morning. This put me in a bad mood for Monday and my week has just sort of spiraled from there.

I'm at a stand still with Arbonne, having no more parties to put on and unsure of how to go about getting more. I am not only scared to hear no, but scared of the potential loss hearing no comes with. I am not confident yet in the fact that I will be able to find more clients, which doesn't make sense because the product I sell is good and will sell itself. I'm just full of self doubt, it comes with the over tiredness.

Along with my Arbonne fears I am having conflicting feelings about my day job. I thought it was going to be something I could just go and do and get paid for. This is proving to be more difficult than first imagined, I don't have any drive to do a good job because I see no real value in the job itself. This makes it hard to do a good job. No one watches what I do, no one gets mad at me when I don't do it right, I can mess up and it seems like no one cares. So this is the first side of the coin, not caring and doing a mediocre job.

But it turns out that I hate this, I hate not getting fulfillment out of my job, I hate that it means nothing to me. I have been thinking about Lasik so much lately and how much fun I had going there everyday, how much it meant to me to see how I changed peoples lives. I miss that, I miss knowing I helped someone with something that means everything to them.

I want to excel in my life, I want to prove myself and make a comfortable living. I'm not sure why I'm thinking so much this week or why everything seems to make me sink into the depths of my brain and heart. I feel myself sinking and I'm grasping to figure out why I feel the way I do.

I am very grateful that tomorrow is Friday, I'm hoping to relax all weekend and start fresh on Monday. I want to stop feeling this way, i want to be happy and excited again, I hate feeling sad for no reason and creating problems in my head.

Not a good week

Career

I have never wanted a career, I went to university because it was expected of me. I got a job to be able to not live with my parents anymore and support myself financially. Since I was a little girl all I wanted was to be a mom, to raise my kids (when I have them). I have known this my whole life and it is actually the only thing I am certain of in my life.

I hate alarm clocks, hate running on someone else's schedule, hate having other people make my decisions. I work because it is a means to an end, a way to pay my rent essentially.

When I started Arbonne I thought of it as an opportunity for me to make money, something I would potentially be good at. I thought I would sell some products and make some fun money. During the last month I have been slowly learning that this may be something really special.

Today I went to a training session put on by Arbonne for the DM's in the company. During the session I actually felt, for the first time in my life, career drive. I saw the women at the retreat and the success they have had and I want it. The women have so much passion, they have seen this opportunity change so many lives and I just wanted to talk to them the whole day and take all their knowledge.

I want the success they have, I want the success I can see myself having.

Unsure

If I could stop the chatter in my head I would be eternally grateful, I know that makes me sound like I hear voices but I don't. It's always my own voice, but its always making judgements, worrying, planning worst case scenarios, not letting me be for a moment. I was on a really large high on Thursday after I made Disrict and I was so content with the way things were. Now it is Sunday and I had an amazing weekend with friends and great weather. Now I am torturing myself with thoughts that I should have worked more this weekend, I should have made more connections, made myself available, I should have grown my business. It's like I cannot appreciate the hard work I did and feel like I always have to keep pushing. Maybe this thinking is what will make me successful but I hate the guilt. I hate feeling like I should be doing Arbonne because it immediately makes me want to recoil from it. That should is like a poisonous snake that I want to stay away from always.

I have 4 parties this week and a nation meeting, I feel I should prepare a little more and work towards being a good sales woman. That should is dangerous, I love this business and I don't want it to become a should.  I want it to be fun, but a little voice in my mind reminds me of the investment I put in, the sales requirement I need to meet now that I am at the district level, the support I have to lend my new consultant. I am overwhelmed by expectations to do a good job, so scared of not meeting them.

I have been told to try and take the rules away from my life, to try and just live and not worry about the outcomes. I was raised to do everything I could to make a good future for myself, though I think somewhere along the way someone forgot to tell me how to enjoy, I am constantly preparing but never enjoying. I want to let go of my insecurities, I want to be able to just let it come, do what I want when I want and not worry about the outcome. It may seem like such an easy concept to others but for me it is a struggle. Setting goals leads to possible failure, which I am scared of, but I don't really know how to live without goals.

I have these days where I am unsure, I know they pass but I still hate them.

District

Well that was an interesting 48 hours, I have not had a moment to breathe since Tuesday evening and now it is Thursday night and I am a District Manager! I am so excited about making District, and to be honest I kind of bought my way there (just the last 800). I ended up putting in an order that was quite large but everything I got I really needed (and wanted). I am just so excited to be at the next level, making more commission and being in a better position to help my new consultant C, I am so excited for her to start this journey, it is a hard road and a lot of work but actually talking about the product and doing parties is so much fun I cannot wait to do this full time. I am of course talking about my new consultant business at Arbonne. I am so excited about C and her new business, I have seen her ability to sell and I am so excited to see what she can do in this environment.

When I first started this business I was scared of hearing no (I am still scared but trying to get over it) it's hard to put yourself out there and face a possible rejection. I was listening to one of the training audio's they give you and one of the women said if you hear a no, nothing has changed, it can't be bad because nothing has changed. It makes a lot of sense actually, its nice to think that if someone says no they are just not in the position to take advantage of the opportunity, some people just won't want to listen and that is fine. My face looks amazing and I love this job.

I'd also like to warm everyone that I had a little bit of celebration wine, for making District, so I am a little drunk and rambly (probably not a word but it makes the most sense here)

In my last post I was talking about my support system, I was writing about my boyfriend, friends, and family and how much support they have given me. I would like to say that I missed some people. My girls, the ones who introduced me to this business have been helping me so much, I literally called Q 8 times today and she was so supportive and loving. Greeting me with Hi Sweetie every time she answered, even though I know she has 2 sons and a husband and a whole other team to run. C is so nice and loving to me but Q is my real support, she is the one who gives me confidence and also a competitive spirit that I have never known. I look at her and want to beat her, I want to get to her level and have the success that she has. I want to be able to be Arbonne the way she is. It will come, I just want it more now. She was an amazing help today, working with me, just being there to confirm what I already knew but in such a supportive way. She is a real gem, and I want to get to her level. I actually like that fact that I make her money, because she deserves it.

I'm also enjoying my day job (the one I don't want but pays the bills) and I couldn't  love my boyfriend more, my life is so good right now I'm scared that things are going to go horribly wrong. When I am this happy I always get scared bad things will happen. I try not to think things like this but my mind just goes there.

Either way I am so happy, so excited about my hard work and love of my new job.... just content

Arbonne and Books

My first real Arbonne party is on Sunday, it is for one of my very best friends and as much as I am looking forward to it I am also scared. Not scared to talk about the product in front of people, not really scared of people not buying anything but I guess its just an overall nervousness of the unknown. I have never done this before, what if I forget something, what if I miss calculate an order, what do I do if someone asks me a question I don't know the answer too? I am also very concerned about people having a good time, it's supposed to be fun and I want it to be. I don't really want to voice these concerns out loud because I don't want reassurance from my support group, I just want to voice my fears so they are out of my head and not bothering me anymore.

I spent the night organizing my things, both work and home related. It makes me feel better to have my mind working on something else for a little while. I have made a very makeshift office in one corner of my apartment, trying to keep everything together and easily accessible. Being prepared makes things easier for me, and at times like these I think that I may have a touch of an anxiety disorder, maybe a little OCD. It doesn't really bother me though, things just seem to make more sense when they have a correct spot.

Now that my head is clearer, just saying (or in this case typing) what is going on in my head makes my anxiety so much easier to manage. It makes me able to breathe in a sense, instead of the build up of pressure that so often comes with something new for me.

Side note to happier things; I'm starting a new book tonight. I'm usually a hardcore fantasy reader (think Lord of the Rings, Wheel of Time that sort of thing) but I have been very frustrated lately because of all the series that I start don't have an ending. It is incredibly annoying to have 2 sets of books started and no conclusion because it hasn't been written yet. So after the last series that didn't end I wanted to branch out into another type of book. I just finished a murder mystery/love story type book and it was entertaining but I didn't really ever have the "can't put it down" feeling. I never got lost in the world because it was too much like my own. That's what I love about books, they take you to a place that shouldn't exist but it does and it shows you humanity will always be the same no matter what the context. It shows that no matter where a person is, who they are, or even if the world they live in is unfathomable, people are all the same. People worry and fear and love and laugh, they work and play and help bring other people into this world. No matter what world it is, people are always the same. I say this as a good thing, I like being able to relate to a character in a book. Everyone does, because everyone (well fantasy readers) want to believe that if they had to they could be a princess, or have magical powers, or save the world from evil. So I had a short vacation away from my fantasy books but I couldn't stay away any longer. It has been a while since I lost myself in a book. I am very much looking forward to it.

Grateful

A lot has been happening in my life in the last couple of months, I have been going, living and trying to survive without knowing what will happen when I finally stop. I think that things are going to keep progressing like this in my life for a while, starting a business is not something that slows down your life, and aside from that its summer, which is the season that always passes the quickest. During this time when I have been basically a chicken with its head cut off I have had amazing support, and for that I am grateful.

First of all my boyfriend, who asked all the right questions to help me convince myself that this business was what I wanted. He knew I wanted it before I did and still listened to me discuss the details over and over and over. He is a constant tester for all new products, he is my IT help, my business card designer and my lap to crawl into and cry when I get upset. I am so grateful he is here. He also feeds me, cooks all of the meals in the house, if I prepare supper its because I bring it home, I'm awesome at take out. I am grateful for all of his effort, and I love him.

I am also grateful for my friends, I started a business that has a lot to do with who you know, and your friends and family are the people who help you launch your business. My family is on the other side of the country, my friends have been amazing at supporting me, listening to my insecurities, talking constantly about products, meetings and my business. They take it all in and have only offered support in return. A lot of this business is dealing with disappointment, someone cancels, or a sale is missed or the simple fact that it may not be growing the way I wanted it to. My friends have been here as the never waver, never say no, never flake friends they are. Spending time with them always renews my spirit, makes it easier to pick up and start again the next day.

I worry about making deadlines, promotions, selling product, being an expert and most of all failure. I am grateful for the people in my life who make those worries smaller and less significant.

Always Listen to Instructions

I've been busy lately, busy and I haven't been blogging, which is strange. I can't decide if I don't have a lot to say or I'm too busy to have time to write it all down. I am enjoying being busy, but I'm missing my friends. I feel like we haven't had a good hang out in a while and I don't like that. It's starting to be too long between visits, but maybe that is just because I was sick last weekend so I didn't do anything at all social. I always feel out of the loop after being sick, like I missed a lot. I guess that's just because time moves so slowly when your sick you feel every minute.

I just put on one of my Arbonne products the cellular renewal masque and I think I left it a little too long. My face is bright red, and very hot. Hopefully it will not look like this in the morning. I know that is what it is supposed to do but I guess that's why you should always listen to instructions. The product is literally supposed to take off the layer of dead skin from your face. I'm trying to combat my acne scars, which I didn't know I had until I got rid of my pimples. It's weird not having pimples, they were such a large part of my life for a long time. I am so happy I don't have them anymore but I sure wish I listened to my mother who said don't pick your face your going to get scars.

Business meeting tomorrow at lunch and then wonderful friend time after work, I am so looking forward to it. Oh good my face is already not as hot, this is a good thing.

Sick

I feel like crap, I think I may have the flu but you never know it may just be my broken body riddling me with pain because I had a couple of weeks without it. I am hot, but cold, hungry but full, my head, neck, back and stomach are aching and all I can think about it how I just started a new job and there is no way I can miss work tomorrow.

I hate feeling sick, I hate having people look at me and think I'm faking, or hungover or just lazy. I was so miserable at my desk this afternoon that I couldn't see straight. I did one thing, 3 different times before I got it right, and it was a simple thing.

I thought I had the energy to do this, I guess not, to bed for me.

Update

I haven't written in a while because my life has been a whirlwind of activity lately. I will try and take a couple of minutes to update you on what has been going on, trying to remember what I was feeling in the moment and where my thought process was. I am not usually this busy. I am usually a do one thing at a time kind of person and have a lot of down time. If I was doing anything other than Arbonne I think I would have thrown in the towel by now but it continues to be a bright spot in my day, allowing me to adapt to my sudden busy lifestyle.

I had my first Arbonne party on Saturday; it was an amazing success, this is because of my wonderful, loving friends. They asked all the right questions during the presentation, bought a lot of product and were so supportive in both presence and words of encouragement. It was an amazing night, at the end of it when I was sitting by myself reflecting on the night all I could think was, is someone really going to pay me to do this? Now I know it won't be my friends all the time but meeting new people and sharing experiences is so rewarding that I am so looking forward to my own presentations.

Next in my busy week came my test, as you know I have chronic stomach problems that have been a part of my life since I was 6, more seriously since I was 18. This Monday I went to the hospital for a test, one I have had before but it does require some sedative so I was out of it for most of the day Monday. I have a follow-up appointment on Tuesday of next week to talk about what was found. This in itself is a battle for me, I long for the day that a doctor can tell me what I have, why I am in constant pain, why I am the way I am. Now that I'm pretty sure they have actually figured out a diagnosis I feel silly for wanting one. What kind of sick person wants to be told they are sick? I am back and forth on the subject so much. I've pretty much decided to ignore this until I see the doctor, its been pushed to the back of my mind because I have way happier things to think about.

My first Arbonne National meeting was on Tuesday, again one of my wonderful friends accompanied me lending her unwavering support. I was recognized as a new consultant and it sparked my competitive spirit to succeed in this business. It made me want to take action right away, but as I said this is a busy week so action has not been happening. Also on Tuesday I started a new job, it is so different than any other job that I have had, they take care of their employees, want us to be comfortable in our job. It's great so far. The job itself I feel I can do once I learn the ropes and I am confident I will be good at it.

Wednesday brought another day of training at the new job and then after work I ventured on to the airport to pick up a very old friend. My girlfriend from home is visiting and we have known each other since we were about 6, having her around is like having my family here. A warm welcome blanket to protect me from everything that is going on in my life. She is here until Sunday and I am so happy that she came to visit. Our trip will consist of lots of catching up and much needed time together.

Second Arbonne party is tonight, smaller crowd tonight but my trainer says I'm going to do part of the presentation so I'm excited, and nervous.

So that's it, that's why I basically haven't had a moment to breathe since I posted last Saturday. I am having a lot of fun but last night I had a slight organization freak out and feel like I should be doing more  to build my business. That's where my head is, errands today with my girl and then party tonight!

Launch

I feel I should be posting today, tonight is my first Arbonne party and I feel I should say something about it. I guess I could let you all know about what is going on in my head like I usually do but today I just don't feel like it is interesting.

I am focused on getting everything ready for the party, going to get snacks, cleaning my apartment a little and probably watch the clock a lot. That's how I used to get ready for parties when I was a kid, spend all day preparing so that I wouldn't be rushed. It ended up with a lot of waiting around. I think the better idea might be pack your day with activities so that you don't drive yourself crazy with specifics. Really who am I kidding? I will think about it all day.

I am very excited about the party, not only to launch my business but I haven't had a girls night in a while. We will have a couple of drinks, snacks and do the girlie things girls do when there are no guys around. Probably gossip about boys.

That's all I have for today, I feel like I should have more anxiety, more thoughts, more nerves but I guess I already had one freak out for the week.

Action

I think that the mood swings that women go through are unfair. I was a mess last night, I made a mountain out of a mole hill. I freaked, and ended up crying, but the thoughts behind my freak out were true. They are also still there, the fear that I won't be good enough, that I will fail, that I won't be perfect. All of these things still go through my head, the chatter that has always been there is back with a vengeance.

I am constantly thinking about what I can do to make my business grow, making plans and trying to figure out how to make money and be successful in this business. I feel like I don't have the knowledge to do my job well enough yet, so I am just stuck in the planning stage. This feeling of being stuck makes my skin crawl, I like action.

Action will come, just a little more research first.

Crash

I have an over-whelming need to be perfect, when I am trying to plan something, do something, do anything, I feel anxiety building inside of me. It might mean I care, it might mean I have been so trained to care what other people think that I seek approval in everything I do. I don't know why the approval of the rest of the world means so much to me, and I thought I was getting over it which makes what I'm feeling even more upset about the situation.

I'm freaking out about my first launch party not going the way I want it to go. I'm scared everyone is going to be late or not show up or that I'm not going to be able to answer any questions. I'm also feeling very much out of the loop when it comes to the actually planning of the party. I don't know what is going to even happen at the party because we haven't gone over it. Is that what my support system is for? Or am I supposed to do it all on my own? The girls are awesome but I feel like I want to ask them questions every moment of the day and that if I actually asked them everything I think that they will hate me.

And that's the part that doesn't make any sense, I just met these people, I don't know them and they are in my life specifically to help me make successful but I care about how they view me. Why is it so important to me, maybe its because I was told I was annoying so much as a child. I really was told that a lot, annoying and mouthy, a smart ass and sarcastic. I am all of these things, I guess I just don't want the label.

I'm not in enough control, I want more and can't figure out how to get it. My boyfriend thinks the answer is so simple, just do what I know I need to do. It's really hard for me though. I know I need to call people, I know I need to make connections but I feel like I don't have enough information. I've crashed, I was scared that I would and it has hit me very hard, the high I was on was so high, I was so happy and I think I just got my reality check.

I feel like I should be doing more, I feel like I should do more and I don't and this is a pattern I have seen before. I'm scared I will give up and not do it anymore and I haven't even started. I need to get out of my head, I need to step back. I need this party to happen so I can see how it works, learn it for myself, get my confidence to do this on my own.

So Many Changes

So many things have happened in the last couple of days, I became an Independent Consultant for an amazing cosmetic and skin care company; Arbonne International, and I got a new job doing coordination type work at a very large oil company. I am so excited and overwhelmed, my emotions have been ranging from ecstasy to panic. I am trying to take one thing at a time but I go between wanting to slow down to wanting to do everything at once.

I am excited to learn about this new part of my life, both the new job and the consultant business but I have to admit I have been a little distracted with the Arbonne stuff and kind of ignoring the new job. I think its because with Arbonne I get to be my own boss, I get to decide how hard I work and when I work. That is what attracted it to me in the first place, I'm going this evening to pick up all of the product that I ordered and I can't wait! I have a secret, I am a closet cosmetic junky. When I buy new products I take them home, line them up, read all the packaging and I try them out one by one. Yes I do this, and now I am a cosmetic company rep and I am so excited. Also since I have been using the skin care line I have not had very many pimples and my black heads are way better. All around good things.

As for the new job, I don't know very much about it, I sort of jumped in head first because I can't be at my current job any longer. It hurts my brain too much. I'm riding a high for sure but every so often a little voice inside of me says don't get too excited, don't get your hopes up, what if your disappointed? I hate this voice, I hate it and wish it would go away. I have been trying to learn to ignore it and most of the time I succeed, but its so sneaky and quiet. The voice comes from no where and places doubt in my mind, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.

Through the doubt there is so much happiness, I am so glad I decided to take control of my life and make decisions for me. Maybe Arbonne will be a waste of my time and money, maybe I will look back on it and say why did I do this. Or maybe I will be amazing at it, and I will get to do it full time and never have to go to an office every again. I could raise my kids and still make money for myself, not having to reply fully on a husband. This job has so many dreams attached to it I need to reign myself in, check myself that I haven't even started yet. I need to take it slow, but that's not really how I do things. When I decide I'm doing something I do it fully, it may take me awhile to reach the decision but after it is made I'm committed.

Last night before I went to bed I was genuinely elated, I couldn't keep the smile off of my face. I know the next couple of months will be hard. Getting your own business up and running is such a challenge and 97% of people in the direct sales market fail. I think I like being the underdog though, show everyone I can do it, even if no one thinks I can. Which by the way is not the case since my family, friends and boyfriend have been amazing through all of this and will continue to be I'm sure. I guess I like being the statistical underdog.

My emotions are going crazy but I am very happy which is an amazing thing.

Decisions, decisions, decisions, what to do? I went to my business meeting today and it made me more confused about the decision I am facing. I spent all afternoon thinking about the pros and cons of this opportunity, talked to my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I have talked the issue to death and have come to a sort of conclusion. I am going to enter the direct marketing world, selling cosmetic and health products. I feel this is something I will be good at and have a great support system to help me through. I like the product and trust in myself to be successful. I am hoping that eventually this can become my full time job.

My next decision is to figure out what type of money I am going to put into it to start up. This is tricky because I was raised to be very careful with my money, I'm much better then I used to be but I am not very good at putting my money towards something if it's not a sure thing. I know putting the full amount of start up money into this will give me the best start I could get. To convince myself I need to view this opportunity as an investment in myself, which I know me and know I will do a good job. It's just a lot of money and with my weird job situation I'm not sure if I have the balls to say here take my savings in case I become unemployed tomorrow.

My boyfriend keeps telling me I have to step away from the decision for a couple of days, clear my head and then come back to it. I know it is good advice I just feel an urgency to make the decision. I feel this urgency in pretty much all decisions I have to make. Maybe because if something is not resolved it just burns into my brain until I figure it out. Once a decision is made it doesn't bother me anymore, I have to live with the consequences but at least it has been figured out. It's weird but that's always been how I feel about things.

My company contact will be calling me tomorrow, I'm going to ask for a little bit of information on what I get in my start up package and I hope this will help me with the money question. More discussion tomorrow, I'm getting a little less scared.

Opportunity

I've been ignoring the fact that I told my boss I don't like my job so any day now I could not have one. I could go to work and have them say today is my last day and I am not really close to finding anything else. The worst part about this is that I'm not even looking for a job, trusting in the universe apparently to deliver a job to me. I write this sarcastically but only because I have never experienced this before. I do not have complete stability in my life but I'm not panicked. I'm not stressing every minute of everyday like I feel like I should be. Why do I feel the constant need to worry? Why when I am actually just living my life and enjoying myself do I worry about not worrying? It doesn't even make sense.

Along with ignoring the job situation I have been trying to decide about a potential opportunity. I have been trying to decide if I want to become an independent sales consultant. I have been thinking about a couple of different companies ranging between makeup, health products and kitchen products. With this decision I have been doing a lot of research and actually spoke to a consultant who works for one of the companies. It was a really good experience but brought up a lot of scary doubts. Firstly, what if I can't do it? Or what if I start up and then fail? What if I alienate my friends? What if they feel awkward because all I talk about is the company and its products? What if I fail at the job because I can't cook? What if I'm just not good enough?

Those are the doubts I have, now the expectations are a totally different thing. When I think about doing this I feel like I could be amazing at it. Like it could be my full time career, I wouldn't have to work for someone else, I could make my own hours. I just feel like it could be amazing but the weight of failure seems to be pressing down on me. I'm scared to step off into the deep end and make the decision. I have a meeting with a second company tomorrow and after the meeting I am going to be forced to make a decision.

So what to do? How do I decide what the best thing for me is? How do I start to evaluate what I can or cannot do in life? How do I get rid of the crippling fear of failure? Apparently I'm not as stress free as I thought I was...

Back to Honesty

When I started blogging no one knew about it, so I was very honest and very raw. The more my friends found out about the blog the more I started to censor myself, though I didn't realize it at first. The more I wrote the more I want it to be pretty and concise and have well developed themes but it may be taking away from the emotion I am conveying. I'm hesitant to write about what I am feeling, I am hesitant to let my feelings out. This is an old habit that I have been trying to get rid of but I guess what I am going through in my life has left me uncertain.

Right now on paper my life is in shambles, I left a secure job for something I thought was better, it wasn't. This not only leaves me with a crappy job but also with this confusing sense of where did I go wrong. I am so confused about how I ended up with this situation and now I don't trust my decisions. I went to Vegas and forgot about my problems for a little while, now I am home and have to face my reality. I went to a staffing company today to apply and see about the opportunity they have for me. Everything went well but I'm unsure because I made a horrible decision about my last job and I have lost all of my confidence. I can't pick out what is good and what isn't anymore, I thought I could trust my gut, I just don't know.

Along with the job confusion I went to Vegas and came face to face with how I used to act. Constantly looking to others for approval, doing things I didn't want to do to please others, keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace, justifying every action, judging other people. All of these things make my stomach turn at the person I used to be, at points I wanted to recoil from the thought that I used to act this way. My boyfriend says I wasn't as bad as the girls but I can see it, and it terrifies me. I never want to be that way ever again. I want to have control over my life, I want to surround myself with people who I love and who love me. The negativity I dealt with this weekend has been eating at my soul.

I feel stability wavering, I don't know what I need, I'm not sure I even know what I want, I'm a little lost, I need to find my way back

A World Away

I've been gone for 5 days, not long really, though I feel like I have been gone for a lifetime, to a place a world away from what I know. Vegas was, stimulating, that's really the only word that describes it, everywhere you look there are 10 things fighting for your attention and appreciation. The inner workings of the Vegas world are very specific, make girls feel important and make guys spend money, doing both of these thing leads regular people to do ridiculous things they would normally never do. Or allows people to do the things they have always wanted to do but were too scared.

Along with partying, drinking and clubbing Vegas has so much to offer in the form of magnificent shows, delectable food, and the most interesting architecture I have ever seen. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the city, the lights and intricate beat that the city has. You can feel the pulse of life in that place,  it was a wonderful experience.

My companions on this trip were girls I knew in university, dear friends who I shared my life with for 4 years and since I have seen them last I have changed. I have become more confident in myself and my opinions, have become better at knowing what I want and what makes me happy. I have made these changes in my life and was nervous about showing my new self to the girls. What I had not considered was how much my friends have not changed. Seeing the girls shocked me, it took my old way of thinking and acting and basically threw it in my face. The judgement, justification, qualifying, double checking, pleasing, it was all put in front of me and I got to see how far I have come.

Vegas!

I'm Vegas bound this morning, very excited about seeing a new place and experiencing the Vegas experience. I am apprehensive though because the people I am going with knew me before the move. When I was less sure of myself and less opinionated. I wonder how they will react? It will be exciting, I just hope I can keep it up, no people pleasing this weekend, just me pleasing!

Friends

I have been in a really bad place lately, I have been dealing with the disappointment of my new job not being what I wanted it to be and the impact it is having on my life. Normally in this situation I would keep everything inside, I would let my thoughts run around in my head until I eventually break down.

In the last couple of days my friends have been a ray of light in my life. They have distracted me from the situation, helped me figure out what to do and listened to me complain. I am getting through because of them.

Who I am

I have spent a lot of time on this blog writing about who I am, who I am trying to be, who I want to be. Writing about how I don't know myself very well because I have spent most of my life doing what other people want to keep them happy. I have been really focusing on finding out what I like and who I am at the core of everything.

I preamble with this because I believe I have figured out what is making me recoil from my new job with such passion and heart ache. After many discussions with my loved ones, many discussions, I have figured out that I don't like the job but also, I don't like who I am when I am there. I am this fake, superficial,  impersonation of me and I hate it. My whole body recoils from it like a disease.

It's like in 2 weeks I have completely reverted back to the person I was in High School, not expressing my feelings, not bringing up my opinions, just being that people pleaser that I have been trying so hard to forget. I guess old habits die hard.

New plan, find a new job, again.