Crash

I have an over-whelming need to be perfect, when I am trying to plan something, do something, do anything, I feel anxiety building inside of me. It might mean I care, it might mean I have been so trained to care what other people think that I seek approval in everything I do. I don't know why the approval of the rest of the world means so much to me, and I thought I was getting over it which makes what I'm feeling even more upset about the situation.

I'm freaking out about my first launch party not going the way I want it to go. I'm scared everyone is going to be late or not show up or that I'm not going to be able to answer any questions. I'm also feeling very much out of the loop when it comes to the actually planning of the party. I don't know what is going to even happen at the party because we haven't gone over it. Is that what my support system is for? Or am I supposed to do it all on my own? The girls are awesome but I feel like I want to ask them questions every moment of the day and that if I actually asked them everything I think that they will hate me.

And that's the part that doesn't make any sense, I just met these people, I don't know them and they are in my life specifically to help me make successful but I care about how they view me. Why is it so important to me, maybe its because I was told I was annoying so much as a child. I really was told that a lot, annoying and mouthy, a smart ass and sarcastic. I am all of these things, I guess I just don't want the label.

I'm not in enough control, I want more and can't figure out how to get it. My boyfriend thinks the answer is so simple, just do what I know I need to do. It's really hard for me though. I know I need to call people, I know I need to make connections but I feel like I don't have enough information. I've crashed, I was scared that I would and it has hit me very hard, the high I was on was so high, I was so happy and I think I just got my reality check.

I feel like I should be doing more, I feel like I should do more and I don't and this is a pattern I have seen before. I'm scared I will give up and not do it anymore and I haven't even started. I need to get out of my head, I need to step back. I need this party to happen so I can see how it works, learn it for myself, get my confidence to do this on my own.