Low

As I posted last night I had an awful shift at the restaurant where I am employed, it made me just so sad. I basically cried myself to sleep and woke up today completely not over it. Along with feeling sadness about my shift I am equally, if not more; upset about the fact that it has effected me so much. I don't know why I am so effected by this, by a job that was supposed to be a way to help me get more contacts, supposed to be fun, not stressful. It's like I have such little self esteem and anything can come along and blow lightly at me and it shatters. I left work so fast, terrified that I would start crying. Why do I have such an ability to cry over anything? I shouldn't be worried about my stupid restaurant job, I have a great life.

It may be a culmination of things, I had a couple of business builders not work out this week and as hard as I have been working I have no sales. I don't think I will get a paycheck from Arbonne for this month and truthfully I'm beginning to wonder if I can even make it work. I'm having a low day, I'm going to quit tonight and deal with the consequences.

Vent

I am so angry right now that I want to scream, I just had an awful shift and I just want to know if I'm a horrible server. I worked my butt off for 9 hours and got awful tips, this is why the server wage doesn't work because people are mean and don't tip. I wish people would tell me when I do a bad job or what I could do differently instead of just not tip me and walk away. I do try

vulnerable

It's been an interesting couple of days, I have been doing a self improvement seminar online and I a actually used the tactics on a business builder this week and it worked! I met her, followed up, gave her a opportunity gift, had a business meeting and now have launch parties booked. Yay, double yay,  still have 4 other potential business partners and even if half of these leads work out I will be so far ahead of where I was it will be amazing. Even with just my new partner I am so far ahead, I just hope it works out.

Along with the interesting couple of days I have been living like I have money. Like I have no worries in the world and that I am a rich person. It's hard to do this business without being an impressive person, pretending that money doesn't matter and that everything is awesome. I love being that person but it takes a lot out of me. Eventually I want to step back and just be okay with being mediocre, it takes so much work to have it together all the time. I think that is what your support system is for, for being with you when you want to or need to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is the hardest part of being a person, opening yourself completely, letting everyone around you know that you don't have it all together. This had been one of the hardest parts of my journey being okay with not being okay. I never wanted people to know that I wasn't perfect, I always felt like I needed to put on a face so people wouldn't know how panicked I really was. I'm better at that, getting better at being not perfect at letting people know when I need a break. Arbonne is the one place I still struggle with not being perfect, maybe when I have all the time and money in the world I will be okay with it.

I am tired today, and glad to share it.

Getting used to the new and improved me but still looking for motivation

It's a strange thing to feel on top of things. strange to feel like I am living my life the way I want. I feel like I am finally being who I want to be. This is a whole new experience for me, as much as I want to pretend like this is all normal I know that living this way is going to be hard to get used to, living in a place where I don't question things, living my life in a way that I am able to speak my feelings and what I want in life. I am able to voice my opinion, to let people know what I feel but also am able to react to what they are feeling. It may be strange, but I think I love it.

Right now the only thing that really bothers me in my life is my weight, and even that doesn't bother me that much because I am doing nothing to fix it. I'm trying to find the motivation to loose the extra weight I have or find the motivation to eat healthier but I really have no pressing reason. I am currently medication free, the first time since I moved to Calgary. This in itself is a huge feat for me, being able to live my life normally without having to rely on medication is something I strive for so this in itself is awesome. I also have an amazing fiance who loves me and thinks I'm sexy, thinks I am beautiful. Thirdly I love food. All of these things lead to me not really wanting to loose weight. I don't have enough drive, enough motivation to get things moving. But I'm a little scared that's for sure, I'm scared I will let it get out of control, scared that I will wake up one day and be one of those fat people that I find repulsive. What is keeping me from becoming that? Will I change when I need to?

I can't decide if I don't loose weight because I don't want to or because I don't have the motivation. I can't decide if I eat because it tastes amazing or because I have an addiction. Truthfully I haven't been able to figure this out, I hope when I finally become fed up with my status I will make a change. I hope I can be strong enough.

The only real thing I worry about when it comes to weight loss is my wedding dress. A couple of years ago I was amazingly fit. I felt awesome in a bathing suit and wish I could go back to that. I know if I start going to a gym again it will be good for me. I just don't have the money and can't find the motivation. Why can't I take the memory of this awesome fitness and work it into my life?

There are a lot of questions in this post. If anyone wants to help with motivation I would greatly appreciate it. I know I am the only one who can motivate me but to fill that motivation cup to the brim I know people out there have advice.