It's a strange thing to feel on top of things. strange to feel like I am living my life the way I want. I feel like I am finally being who I want to be. This is a whole new experience for me, as much as I want to pretend like this is all normal I know that living this way is going to be hard to get used to, living in a place where I don't question things, living my life in a way that I am able to speak my feelings and what I want in life. I am able to voice my opinion, to let people know what I feel but also am able to react to what they are feeling. It may be strange, but I think I love it.
Right now the only thing that really bothers me in my life is my weight, and even that doesn't bother me that much because I am doing nothing to fix it. I'm trying to find the motivation to loose the extra weight I have or find the motivation to eat healthier but I really have no pressing reason. I am currently medication free, the first time since I moved to Calgary. This in itself is a huge feat for me, being able to live my life normally without having to rely on medication is something I strive for so this in itself is awesome. I also have an amazing fiance who loves me and thinks I'm sexy, thinks I am beautiful. Thirdly I love food. All of these things lead to me not really wanting to loose weight. I don't have enough drive, enough motivation to get things moving. But I'm a little scared that's for sure, I'm scared I will let it get out of control, scared that I will wake up one day and be one of those fat people that I find repulsive. What is keeping me from becoming that? Will I change when I need to?
I can't decide if I don't loose weight because I don't want to or because I don't have the motivation. I can't decide if I eat because it tastes amazing or because I have an addiction. Truthfully I haven't been able to figure this out, I hope when I finally become fed up with my status I will make a change. I hope I can be strong enough.
The only real thing I worry about when it comes to weight loss is my wedding dress. A couple of years ago I was amazingly fit. I felt awesome in a bathing suit and wish I could go back to that. I know if I start going to a gym again it will be good for me. I just don't have the money and can't find the motivation. Why can't I take the memory of this awesome fitness and work it into my life?
There are a lot of questions in this post. If anyone wants to help with motivation I would greatly appreciate it. I know I am the only one who can motivate me but to fill that motivation cup to the brim I know people out there have advice.
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