Reflection of a Year

New Years Eve is a special day, a day to think about all that you have done, all you can possibly do in the year to come. When I think back on the things that have happened in this year they sort of stun me. I have changed my life so drastically from what it was. I have been scared, lost, frustrated, sad, on the edge of what seemed like the the end of the world, I was also excited, proud, happy, in love. During this year I lost myself, found a new self, found passion, desire, love, new life, new expectations, confidence, found an outlet to change the world. Most importantly I found my voice, not the negative voice that I have been listening to for years, I found the confident voice, that tells me I'm doing the right thing, that tells me to keep going, that picks me up, that allows me to be me.

I started this year in a job that I loved, it made me crazy sometimes but what we did there was close to my heart so I did it. After being turned down by management for yet another promotion I had enough, I couldn't stay with a company that didn't appreciate my talents. I started looking for a new job and was offered one that sounded amazing. As I left my comfort zone, saying goodbye to seeing all of my best friends on a daily basis and went towards what I thought was my new career. In about two weeks I knew I wouldn't be able to do this new job. I felt like they had tricked me, it was nothing like I thought it would be. I was bored most of the day and was feeling bad about myself because of the atmosphere at the job.

This is where my voice came out for the first time, I knew I couldn't stay in this job, I said I was quitting and even though my family told me I shouldn't I knew I couldn't stay. I was prepared to be unemployed before going back. I was introduced to Arbonne during this time and after carefully considering I took the plunge.

As I started at another job and tried to juggle both I became more and more stressed. I was dreading going to work, stressed about my Arbonne business and not having the balance I needed. In August I broke, mentally I was done, I was put on medication and medical leave from work and spent a month doing nothing, hiding from the world. This was a scary time in my life, I couldn't see past it, I thought that this was it, that I was going to be broken for the rest of my life. I was defeated.

Insert my support system; my friends, my family, my new Arbonne family, they picked me up, they supported me, they dealt with me sitting on the couch, crying for no reason, being broken. They reminded me of the person I am, reminded me I am strong, that I can get through it. That my dreams will be hard to achieve but I could do it. I owe so much to them allowing me to find my path, though it is and will continue to be hard with them behind me I feel safe.

Now I am concentrating on building a business I feel so strongly about, I feel I can change the world with it. I just got engaged and am so excited to see what challenges that brings, I am proud of myself and the growth I achieved this year. I am excited to see 2012 and what it offers.

Off to Paradise!

After a splendid first week of being engaged where I spent my days looking at all the possibilities for our wedding I have decided to come back to reality. Thankfully reality this week includes an amazing holiday getaway featuring my wonderful family and stunning fiance. I am so excited to see my family, and only my family, my mom, dad and sister. It has been so long since I have been able to just hang out with them, getting quality time with just them. I am so looking forward to it, along with a week of heat, sand, water, good food, and relaxation! So Pumped!

I have no words

This weekend one of the most important moments in my life happened, my amazing, wonderful, loving boyfriend became my Fiance. I now have a beautiful ring on my finger, which I don't think I could have picked a better ring if I did it myself. My fiance has the best taste and I just can't stop staring at the shining beauty on my finger.

Other than the material part of this engagement I am ecstatic to be engaged simply because I have loved this man for so many years and now I get to start a new part of our journey together. I haven't been able to stop smiling or thinking about our wedding, our marriage and our life together since he placed this ring on my finger.

This man is my prince charming and I can't wait to start our life together.

Want

We live in a world where I feel we have developed a divide; either you have to be a person that loves material things or a person who lives a life of simplicity. This divide makes me unsure of where I stand, I feel like I have such a wonderful life that wanting things make me feel like a bad person. I feel like I shouldn't want anything because there are so many people in this world who have less. I only have first world problems, why should I even want anything?

I even feel bad writing this but the amount of things I want is to big to even fathom, I want everything and I kind of hate it. I hate the amount I want because I feel like I don't deserve them. Why should I get so much when I have so much already? Will I always have this ridiculous need for things? Will my want never subside?

And then the second question is, if I want all of these things, why am I so lazy? Why do I not get off my butt and work, why do I not go for the things I want? What is holding me back?

Does anyone know?

Money makes the world go round

I went to the mall tonight to do the small amount of Christmas shopping I needed to do. The mall was crazy and I immediately wanted to get out as soon as I stepped out of my car and into the mall itself. I made my way through the mall and a new experience came over me. I started seeing so many things I wanted to buy for the people in my life. Usually I have a problem with finding gifts but since this year I'm not buying my family presents (on account of our family's Christmas trip) I'm finding myself unable to ignore the perfect presents I see everywhere.

I wanted to buy all of my friends amazing presents, then buy wonderful wrapping paper to be able to see the amazing looks on their faces when they open the presents I bought them. To see the joy on their faces would be wonderful! I, however; am without the financial means to do this. I am without the financial means to do anything right now. The price of living my dream has finally caught up with me and I have no money, I laugh at this thought because I would rather live in a cardboard box than go back to a regular day job. I love Arbonne and I love being able to choose my life, I can't give that up, I need to make it work.

So when I am a wonderfully financially stable person I will be buying presents for everyone, not just at Christmas but when I see something that reminds me of a person I can just buy it. I won't need to worry, won't need to agonize over every penny spent.

I also want to bring my friends on awesome trips, and to the spa when I am wonderfully financially stable, to be able to just say lets celebrate for all the support they have given me over the years. I love my friends and family and cannot wait to be able to show it.

Dreams

I have often found dreams an extremely interesting part of a persons life, looked into the meaning of them, love hearing about others' dreams and loved discussing them with anyone who would. I have been told by a friend about how her dreams have been basically torturing her and I'm starting to think mine are too. I can't sleep, and when I do I have constant reminders of my past. People I haven't seen in years begging me for my help in horrific crimes. I wake up at times in tears, feeling as if my heart is going to slam out of my chest and have no recollection of the dream itself.

Along with the dreams I can't remember I have dreams that my loving, wonderful boyfriend has decided to leave me or cheat on me or in some cases physically harm me. The worst part about these dreams are not the act themselves but the fact that he doesn't ever care. In the dreams I am begging him to talk to me about what happened and he just dismisses me like I was never worth anything. These dreams I remember ever detail.

These dreams are so cruel, so real, so heart wrenching that I can barely bring myself to get out of bed when I do wake. The only reason I usually do is to flee the site of my torturous nightmare, trying to block it from my mind.

Do others have this? Do others have to deal with their mind constantly berating them with awful concepts, their deepest darkest fears laid out for them night after night. Then the dreams I can't remember, which leave me in an even deeper despair because I can't remember what is making me feel like I can't breathe. Stuck in a perpetual hole that I can't climb out of.

The third type of nightmare I have are the ones that I am physically stuck, I lay without control of my body unable to move but able to think. Wanting to wake but only being able to half scream, aware that others around but no one can save me. Trying to scream, when I finally wake up I am physically exhausted and scared to go back to sleep. I no longer nap in my own bed because this is where these dreams most likely happen.

These adult nightmares plague me, I am no longer hunted by a kidnapper but a much more real fear. The fear that I will be alone, that I won't know what's going on, that I being left out, that I am stuck and will never get out. The amount of times I have waken up with tears in my eyes, or cried out loud during the night is getting exhausting. How am I supposed to live a life with all of these things weighing on me? How am I supposed to make a living like this, I feeling like my options are getting smaller, I feel hopeless.

Compassion

As I start this month, now 4 days in, I am overwhelmed with the amount I need to do in my business. My wonderful team has decided to take this month slowly, which is the amazing part of this business! If you want to take a break you can take a break. So amazing for them but puts a little more pressure on me to complete Area this month. Now I want to complete this month, I don't want to have to push myself this hard again next month with the constant goal hanging over my head (which I love and hate). However it is December, so I basically have half the month that I usually do, and my team is taking the month off and no one will call me back!

This is what I would like to write about, compassion from people in the world. No one will call me back, I understand that people are busy and life is complicated but the thought that you can't call another human being for long enough to say I'm sorry but I'm not interested in hosting a get together for you is sort of ridiculous.

I'm feeling really down tonight, just because I want to share this amazing gift with others (I mean being healthy and also the awesome business) but I understand it's not for everyone so when you say no I'm okay with it. Just say no, call me back and let me know. The funny thing is once a person calls another person back they realize hey this person is asking me to be a part of their life, then its too hard to say no.

Is that so bad? I sell lipstick and rouge yes, but I also sell my ability to live my life in the way I choose and without selling lipstick and rouge I have to go back to a regular day job. I don't want that, I also don't want to have to ask my parents for money, or make my boyfriend support me. I'm just feeling sad at the fact that people won't even take the time out of their day to call me back and I'm fighting to pay my rent.

Yes I can be dramatic but it is also true and I'm mad so I'm complaining.

I just want to be able to live my life the way I want to, I just want someone else to say yes I will invite 3 of my friends over and you can talk for 30 minutes and let us play with products, that's all I want.

Lastly I apologize for my awful grammar, I'm too annoyed to edit tonight.