Dreams

I have often found dreams an extremely interesting part of a persons life, looked into the meaning of them, love hearing about others' dreams and loved discussing them with anyone who would. I have been told by a friend about how her dreams have been basically torturing her and I'm starting to think mine are too. I can't sleep, and when I do I have constant reminders of my past. People I haven't seen in years begging me for my help in horrific crimes. I wake up at times in tears, feeling as if my heart is going to slam out of my chest and have no recollection of the dream itself.

Along with the dreams I can't remember I have dreams that my loving, wonderful boyfriend has decided to leave me or cheat on me or in some cases physically harm me. The worst part about these dreams are not the act themselves but the fact that he doesn't ever care. In the dreams I am begging him to talk to me about what happened and he just dismisses me like I was never worth anything. These dreams I remember ever detail.

These dreams are so cruel, so real, so heart wrenching that I can barely bring myself to get out of bed when I do wake. The only reason I usually do is to flee the site of my torturous nightmare, trying to block it from my mind.

Do others have this? Do others have to deal with their mind constantly berating them with awful concepts, their deepest darkest fears laid out for them night after night. Then the dreams I can't remember, which leave me in an even deeper despair because I can't remember what is making me feel like I can't breathe. Stuck in a perpetual hole that I can't climb out of.

The third type of nightmare I have are the ones that I am physically stuck, I lay without control of my body unable to move but able to think. Wanting to wake but only being able to half scream, aware that others around but no one can save me. Trying to scream, when I finally wake up I am physically exhausted and scared to go back to sleep. I no longer nap in my own bed because this is where these dreams most likely happen.

These adult nightmares plague me, I am no longer hunted by a kidnapper but a much more real fear. The fear that I will be alone, that I won't know what's going on, that I being left out, that I am stuck and will never get out. The amount of times I have waken up with tears in my eyes, or cried out loud during the night is getting exhausting. How am I supposed to live a life with all of these things weighing on me? How am I supposed to make a living like this, I feeling like my options are getting smaller, I feel hopeless.