Inspiration Weekend

This weekend was my very first training conference for Arbonne, it started Friday morning and when I woke up early to shower and get ready I was greeted by a stomach ache, of course. I was nauseated but very excited about the conference so I pushed the feeling to the back of my mind and kept going.

When I arrived at the conference I was overwhelmed by the number of women; 1800 in total, milling around waiting for the doors to open to rush to a good seat. I registered alone because G (formerly known as Q) and the others were running late, but while waiting in line I met this wonderful woman from Ontario. She helped me through the process seeing that I looked a little lost and then offered to hang out with me until I found the women I was looking for. The kindness she showed was amazing and warmed my heart instantly. After meeting up with everyone and rushing to our seats the conference started off with a talk on leadership, given my this beautiful 28 year old woman who I late found out is one of the top earners in Canada. How I wanted that, I wanted to be able to provide for myself and love my life the way these woman and men do. I was burning with passion by lunch. I felt on fire with desire and the fact that they were giving me the secrets to their success was amazing.

This is when I realized that in a world where employee loyalty means nothing, and employers think they can replace an employee faster than work on their skills and give them a chance. In a world where employers will not give you a promotion because they like where you are better I have found a company that believes in me. The people above me want me to do well. They want me to achieve my dreams because they want to share what they have. They refer to it as the gift of Arbonne, a gift of being able to deliver someone's dreams to them, all you need is to be willing to work. Activity every day that's all that is needed.

I came home Friday on fire and slept through the night for the first time in about 3 months, when I woke up I couldn't believe it! I got up way earlier than I had to and proceeded to dance around my apartment while I got ready. I was ecstatic to go back to the conference and soak up all of the secrets and strategies.
The day was just as great as the last though by the end my brain kind of felt like mush, having not been used in the last month and then used with vigor for 2 solid days.

Sunday came and with it another day of training, I met my new consultant and I am so excited for her, I cannot wait to see her dreams come true. I cannot wait to be there for her like G is there for me.

Now it is Tuesday, and Monday was very successful, I booked a party and have a great start to my month. However; Tuesday has brought thoughts of doubt and loneliness, I realize that no matter what I have in my life I still have depression. It's not going to go away easily and as much as I want to be better I'm not going to be for a while. I have to take it at face value and not let it effect me for too long. Leaning hard on my beautiful new roommate I have been picked up and dusted off. Told to think of my well being first and all things after.

I still worry, my mind still races around thinking of all the things I should be doing. Nothing can force me, at the conference a woman told a story about motivation. The end moral was no one can motivate you but you. I see great wisdom in this and know that when it counts I will do what I have to do.

I took many things from this weekend, a renewed sense of purpose, a rekindled passion for success in reaching my own goals, a small view of the person I hope to be one day and a direction towards all of these things.

I woke up today feeling very down, feeling like I should just stay in bed. I did for a while, I watched a movie in my bed but eventually I became uncomfortable and got up. I tried to read outside but I found it too cold, then I tried to read inside but my book wasn't interesting. I laid on the couch for a while staring at the ceiling not really thinking about anything. I ate a crappy breakfast which will inevitably make my stomach hurt later today. I am just feeling very down.

I hate these days, more because I had such a good day yesterday and sort of thought I had figured some stuff out. I always do that, I proclaim that I am feeling good, that I am feeling on track and then I wake up and feel like this. Feel like my brain has just given me a taste of what I could be like so I can be even more sad when it is taken away.

I tried to not put a lot of importance on it. I am just in a bad mood, not a big deal. But I don't want to be in this bad mood, I have things to do and for once I feel like doing them. I have the motivation but the actual action does not seem to want to show itself.

I am going home in a couple of days, and truthfully I'm getting scared. I don't know how to be around my family anymore because I feel like I have changed so much from the person that I was. I just feel like I need to isolate myself from the world. I know my family will love me no matter what I'm just not sure what to do. I am feeling lost in this.

I want to write more, to get everything out of my head and out of my life. I want the feeling that it is all out there and I don't have to deal with it anymore, however I feel like I have said it all before. I feel like I am just repeating myself in different words. I know I worry too much, I know I should just do what I want but I just don't have the strength some days. It's like trying to diet and never being able to loose the weight. Like I finally lost a pound only to find out next week I gained it back.

Hiding

Alright, I admit it, I have been hiding from my blog. I have been actually hiding from the world and only today did I have the strength to return to this world, though who knows for how long. What brought on this hiding? I hit my wall, I hit bottom, I went spiraling into a downturn and for a while didn't know if I was going to come out.

You all know I have been struggling with my life and what I want from it. Growing up without an opinion has made me a 24 year old with no sense of self. I have lead my life conforming myself to everyone around me to enable the most harmonious state of being. This seemed like a good idea growing up and I sort of did it without thinking. I didn't even realize how detrimental this was to me until I started this journey and I feel I will continue to feel the effects for a long time. I feel I will struggle with this my whole life.

I quit my job about 3 weeks ago, I finally said this is enough, I need time for me. This act came after a Wednesday night where everything I had been dealing with collided in what can only be described as an earth shattering event. I was struggling with my illness, struggling with anxiety and a depression that came over me so fast and hard that I was literally having trouble breathing. It felt like it would never end and I would never get out of it. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life, I still think of it and shiver. I now have a greater respect for anyone who has dealt with or deals with depression and anxiety, they are truly stronger than anyone (including themselves) know.

So after this event happened I went to work the next day and used all of my energy to keep from falling apart. I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I went to the doctor the next day and she put me on an antidepressant, gave me ativan for the anxiety attacks and told me to take a couple weeks off work.

So here I am, trying to take time for myself, trying to figure out what I want to do. Truthfully most days I do nothing. Some days I feel like getting out of bed is the hardest thing imaginable and I am proud of myself when I finally achieve it. The first week of work I watched movies, read my book, did anything to keep my mind from wandering.

I am trying to concentrate on one thing, simply me. Listening to myself and what I want to do in my life, without anyone else's opinion. I have come to a couple of conclusions over the last couple of weeks, firstly I want to travel, secondly I joined a ballet class because I have always wanted to be a ballerina, and thirdly I want to have someone pay for me to go to their restaurant just because my opinion matters, I want to become a foodie.

These things may or may not make me happy, but trying them is the only way to find out. I'm going to be staring a new blog about food and restaurants and the delicious things in life.

I haven't gotten out of the hole I spiraled into yet, because it is a long way down. The good news though, is that I have stopped spiraling. Now I'm at the bottom but I'm just checking things out down here, I'm concentrating on finding a safe way back out.