Hiding

Alright, I admit it, I have been hiding from my blog. I have been actually hiding from the world and only today did I have the strength to return to this world, though who knows for how long. What brought on this hiding? I hit my wall, I hit bottom, I went spiraling into a downturn and for a while didn't know if I was going to come out.

You all know I have been struggling with my life and what I want from it. Growing up without an opinion has made me a 24 year old with no sense of self. I have lead my life conforming myself to everyone around me to enable the most harmonious state of being. This seemed like a good idea growing up and I sort of did it without thinking. I didn't even realize how detrimental this was to me until I started this journey and I feel I will continue to feel the effects for a long time. I feel I will struggle with this my whole life.

I quit my job about 3 weeks ago, I finally said this is enough, I need time for me. This act came after a Wednesday night where everything I had been dealing with collided in what can only be described as an earth shattering event. I was struggling with my illness, struggling with anxiety and a depression that came over me so fast and hard that I was literally having trouble breathing. It felt like it would never end and I would never get out of it. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life, I still think of it and shiver. I now have a greater respect for anyone who has dealt with or deals with depression and anxiety, they are truly stronger than anyone (including themselves) know.

So after this event happened I went to work the next day and used all of my energy to keep from falling apart. I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I went to the doctor the next day and she put me on an antidepressant, gave me ativan for the anxiety attacks and told me to take a couple weeks off work.

So here I am, trying to take time for myself, trying to figure out what I want to do. Truthfully most days I do nothing. Some days I feel like getting out of bed is the hardest thing imaginable and I am proud of myself when I finally achieve it. The first week of work I watched movies, read my book, did anything to keep my mind from wandering.

I am trying to concentrate on one thing, simply me. Listening to myself and what I want to do in my life, without anyone else's opinion. I have come to a couple of conclusions over the last couple of weeks, firstly I want to travel, secondly I joined a ballet class because I have always wanted to be a ballerina, and thirdly I want to have someone pay for me to go to their restaurant just because my opinion matters, I want to become a foodie.

These things may or may not make me happy, but trying them is the only way to find out. I'm going to be staring a new blog about food and restaurants and the delicious things in life.

I haven't gotten out of the hole I spiraled into yet, because it is a long way down. The good news though, is that I have stopped spiraling. Now I'm at the bottom but I'm just checking things out down here, I'm concentrating on finding a safe way back out.