I went to the Center for Spiritual Living today with two of my most beautiful friends. I had heard about this place first from C who is the happiest person I have ever met, someone who truly embraces life and love. I wanted to experience it because I strive for her outlook on life. I grew up going to church; have been baptized and confirmed, so I was pretty familiar with the general idea of what was going to happen. The service started out with some wonderful music and then the Dr. stood up to speak. The idea behind the center is that Love is in all of us and is what connects us all. One of the things that really stood out to me was the idea that on a primitive level we as humans are positive. We may at some point fall into darkness but it is in our nature to be positive and hopeful, expectant that things are going to get better. At this point during the service I thought to myself, I think I'm too cynical for this place.
The woman was a very good speaker though I found it a little hard to follow her train of thought at some point. Despite this a lot of what she said really hit home for me, I liked the principles that it doesn't matter who you are, what you look like or where you come from, we are all connected through love. I have always been a person to say no before yes, I'm not sure if it is a protective mechanism and also not sure where it comes from. Even with my disposition to be negative all of the people at the Center were so positive it was hard to not be uplifted.
Overall I feel a little confused with the Center, I want to love it a lot because the idea behind it is so positive. However, if I'm being truthful with myself then I need to accept that I am a realist at heart. I can see the benefit in the Center but I doubt I will be come a regular, at the end of the day it is still a church.
I decided a long time ago that my spirituality is a personal thing and I don't need to visit a certain place on a certain day to affirm that.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Goodbye
Today is my last day as a employee at my first real grown-up job. On Tuesday I will be starting a new chapter in my life and a whole new world. Going from 20 co-workers to 2, leaving the land of eyes to something a little more facial focused, having a set schedule for work as opposed to the different shifts I work now. I made so many friends here that I ache when I think of not seeing them everyday, each has a unique personality that adds a bit of sunshine to my life that I know I will not get anywhere else.
It may be unfair but I choose to blame my employer for this, if they paid me more, had more opportunity for growth or even said thank you once in a while I probably would have stayed longer. I work in a high stress medical environment and just wasn't getting the compensation I deserve. I hope my current co-workers will step up and start demanding better treatment, they are a rockstar group of people and deserve more than what they are getting now. I loved going to work everyday for the wonderful people I worked with but eventually it is not enough anymore.
So I say goodbye to my wonderful family with sadness; I would like them to know that they have made this 8 months bareable and made me feel as though I do have family here. Tell them to keep their heads up, that they do deserve more, that they need to spread their beautiful wings and find joy in everything. Lastly that I will always be here for them, though not on a daily basis anymore, now that they have accepted me they are never getting rid of me. I love you all, thank you for everything.
It may be unfair but I choose to blame my employer for this, if they paid me more, had more opportunity for growth or even said thank you once in a while I probably would have stayed longer. I work in a high stress medical environment and just wasn't getting the compensation I deserve. I hope my current co-workers will step up and start demanding better treatment, they are a rockstar group of people and deserve more than what they are getting now. I loved going to work everyday for the wonderful people I worked with but eventually it is not enough anymore.
So I say goodbye to my wonderful family with sadness; I would like them to know that they have made this 8 months bareable and made me feel as though I do have family here. Tell them to keep their heads up, that they do deserve more, that they need to spread their beautiful wings and find joy in everything. Lastly that I will always be here for them, though not on a daily basis anymore, now that they have accepted me they are never getting rid of me. I love you all, thank you for everything.
Parental Visit
My parents came to visit this weekend on their way to Hawaii (yes I know they are so spoiled) and I couldn't have had a better visit. I have an issue in general in this new, my parents are real people situation, so usually I am a little stressed when we have visits together. But this visit was different we chatted like friends, laughed and I truly did not want them to leave when it came to drop them off at the airport, I didn't want to loose that wonderful love that they bring into my life, it truly made me, for the first time in 8 months, second guess my decision to live on the opposite end of the country.
Growing up my parents were total role models, my father didn't drink (due to a stomach condition that I to have) neither of them swore and both always, always did the right thing. I was brought up to finish what I started, be polite, work hard and not take anything for granted. So when I went to university and my parents started showing themselves, funny how parents have personalities, it made me very unsure of my place and how to act. Now I am 24 and with my partners help I have really learned to let go of my unsure thoughts, my parents love me no matter what and its nice to be able to interact on a person to person basis. I never knew I would be so happy to call my parents my friends.
My mother is an amazing person, and as much as I have fought it over the years I am exactly like her. I am quick to have my feelings hurt, take everything as a criticism and am a people pleaser to the bone. Seeing the similarities between us helps me understand her more, knowing why she acts the way she does enables me to see her side and try to help her do what she wants (which she never does) Mom has always been there for me, every step of the way pushing through even when I was a brat of a child who was so ungrateful she must have wanted to strangle me. I am thankful everyday for such a supportive mother, and having someone in my life so solid I know I will never fall far because she is there to catch me.
My father is who I strive to be like, and most people say we are alike. He is the more easy going parent goes with the flow, though steps up when needed. I have always found it easier to talk to him about things than my mother, he is just so to the point and this is the problem, now it is fixed. I am a daddy's girl to the core. My father and I can sit and talk about books and movies for hours, and have watched movies for hours on occasion. My father has an ease, he is never stressed or never shows it, to living that I wish I had. A confidence that everything will work. He taught me everything I know.
I miss them..
Growing up my parents were total role models, my father didn't drink (due to a stomach condition that I to have) neither of them swore and both always, always did the right thing. I was brought up to finish what I started, be polite, work hard and not take anything for granted. So when I went to university and my parents started showing themselves, funny how parents have personalities, it made me very unsure of my place and how to act. Now I am 24 and with my partners help I have really learned to let go of my unsure thoughts, my parents love me no matter what and its nice to be able to interact on a person to person basis. I never knew I would be so happy to call my parents my friends.
My mother is an amazing person, and as much as I have fought it over the years I am exactly like her. I am quick to have my feelings hurt, take everything as a criticism and am a people pleaser to the bone. Seeing the similarities between us helps me understand her more, knowing why she acts the way she does enables me to see her side and try to help her do what she wants (which she never does) Mom has always been there for me, every step of the way pushing through even when I was a brat of a child who was so ungrateful she must have wanted to strangle me. I am thankful everyday for such a supportive mother, and having someone in my life so solid I know I will never fall far because she is there to catch me.
My father is who I strive to be like, and most people say we are alike. He is the more easy going parent goes with the flow, though steps up when needed. I have always found it easier to talk to him about things than my mother, he is just so to the point and this is the problem, now it is fixed. I am a daddy's girl to the core. My father and I can sit and talk about books and movies for hours, and have watched movies for hours on occasion. My father has an ease, he is never stressed or never shows it, to living that I wish I had. A confidence that everything will work. He taught me everything I know.
I miss them..
Thursday, April 14, 2011
In One Week
In one week I will be leaving my job, my first real job, my lifelong dream fulfilling, corporate reality checking, stressful like I'm serving again job. I have had other jobs before but as for working to support myself this is the one and only. From applying to experiencing to quitting it was all new for me and the last year and a half was amazing. The realization that I wanted more from my job came a couple of months ago, I knew I wasn't satisfied but I still loved going everyday because I love the people. I will be leaving for an opportunity I choose, and I am sad because leaving the job means leaving my family. My co-workers are so much more than co-workers to me, they are my family, they are the people who took me in and helped me when I was alone, helped me learn to love this crazy new province that I choose to move to.
Saying goodbye is not something I want to do, I want to be able to stay with my perfectly wonderful family forever. Unfortunately I reached my breaking point, if you read a couple of posts back you will see I had as close to a break down as there is without actually having a break down. I knew that I needed the change, needed it to make my life better, so saying goodbye is the sadness in this new joy.
My first goodbye was to the most wonderful doctor I have ever met, she is wonderful to learn from and always smiling. She has a great sense of humor and just makes me laugh, a joy to work with. It hurts my heart to not be able to work with her anymore. It was my first goodbye and not the last.
I know that everyone will say we will keep in touch and I know the people for which that is true, but there are those it is not true for. Either way the family that I had for the last 8 months is unique and loving and I will never have it again. I will cherish the moments and memories.
The new job will be amazing, better hours, hopefully less stressful and full of opportunity that I don't have at my current job, but there is also loss.
Saying goodbye is not something I want to do, I want to be able to stay with my perfectly wonderful family forever. Unfortunately I reached my breaking point, if you read a couple of posts back you will see I had as close to a break down as there is without actually having a break down. I knew that I needed the change, needed it to make my life better, so saying goodbye is the sadness in this new joy.
My first goodbye was to the most wonderful doctor I have ever met, she is wonderful to learn from and always smiling. She has a great sense of humor and just makes me laugh, a joy to work with. It hurts my heart to not be able to work with her anymore. It was my first goodbye and not the last.
I know that everyone will say we will keep in touch and I know the people for which that is true, but there are those it is not true for. Either way the family that I had for the last 8 months is unique and loving and I will never have it again. I will cherish the moments and memories.
The new job will be amazing, better hours, hopefully less stressful and full of opportunity that I don't have at my current job, but there is also loss.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Helping
I helped a blind man cross the street today, I was on my way to work and the sound that tells someone when to cross was not working. I could see he was struggling and I just took his arm and helped him across.
It took literally 20 seconds and it made me feel amazing! It felt right to look around notice the world; because it is easy to ignore, we ignore the homeless people because they are scary, we ignore the people who need help because our lives are so important that we couldn't take the time to help. This small act made me feel so good all day, and the best part about it is that no one knew, I didn't tell anyone, it was mine alone to enjoy.
I think it says a lot about that one act making me feel better than anything I have done in probably the last month. That is a wonderful and scary thought. It tells me I need to do more, I need to look around and help the people on the street. Help old ladies who can't hold the door or children who have fallen down. Even people like me who just look lost, well maybe not directions because that might not be helpful to anyone.
When I was younger I was always doing charity work, helping out either raising money for a cause or helping out at a residential home. I have gotten away from that because I was trying to help... myself and if I'm going to be truthful I have been way too wrapped up with myself in the last little while to think about helping others. Now that I am going to be working only 4 days a week maybe I should use the other day to help people, it may be a new project.
It took literally 20 seconds and it made me feel amazing! It felt right to look around notice the world; because it is easy to ignore, we ignore the homeless people because they are scary, we ignore the people who need help because our lives are so important that we couldn't take the time to help. This small act made me feel so good all day, and the best part about it is that no one knew, I didn't tell anyone, it was mine alone to enjoy.
I think it says a lot about that one act making me feel better than anything I have done in probably the last month. That is a wonderful and scary thought. It tells me I need to do more, I need to look around and help the people on the street. Help old ladies who can't hold the door or children who have fallen down. Even people like me who just look lost, well maybe not directions because that might not be helpful to anyone.
When I was younger I was always doing charity work, helping out either raising money for a cause or helping out at a residential home. I have gotten away from that because I was trying to help... myself and if I'm going to be truthful I have been way too wrapped up with myself in the last little while to think about helping others. Now that I am going to be working only 4 days a week maybe I should use the other day to help people, it may be a new project.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Blogging it Out
I have been feeling very uneasy lately. I feel a little lost in my new situation, I have given my notice at work and now officially have a little less than 2 weeks left at the only job I have ever known. Now I have to go to work everyday knowing that I am not going to be there past next Friday. It makes motivation hard, makes going the extra distance hard to even wanting to do my best is hard. It's a strange situation for me to be in, mainly because I have never done anything in my life without doing it to the best of my ability and now my motivation is gone.
It's strange to have this non motivation and at the same time thinking and rethinking my decision about my new job. I feel that I should just be allowed to start my new job right now, it would stop this strange lost feeling I have, its like I need the new job for my self image to be complete.
In a rare moment of confidence today at work I told my co-workers about my blog. I hadn't been telling them before because I was so concerned about them knowing the real me. It's scary to allow the people in your life to see your soul. That's what this whole blogging situation is about, letting people know the true you. But I do have to agree that Blogging it Out as my wonderful friends have deemed it makes life a little bit easier for me, it may be an interest I have discovered all on my own.
It's strange to have this non motivation and at the same time thinking and rethinking my decision about my new job. I feel that I should just be allowed to start my new job right now, it would stop this strange lost feeling I have, its like I need the new job for my self image to be complete.
In a rare moment of confidence today at work I told my co-workers about my blog. I hadn't been telling them before because I was so concerned about them knowing the real me. It's scary to allow the people in your life to see your soul. That's what this whole blogging situation is about, letting people know the true you. But I do have to agree that Blogging it Out as my wonderful friends have deemed it makes life a little bit easier for me, it may be an interest I have discovered all on my own.
Monday, April 4, 2011
New
So many emotions piling up inside; doubt, excitement, anxiousness, apprehension, and pride, going back and forth with how I feel and trying to still my beating heart. All of these feelings come with anything new that people experience and when something that may or may not change your every day life comes around the newness of it is heart stopping.
I like the feeling of standing up for myself and letting the world know that I value myself and my work. I like standing up and taking what is mine. This in itself is a new experience for me, I used to sit back and receive whatever was offered to me as to not rock the boat. Now that is gone, now I can stand and say I matter and I have worth.
How did I get here? I wouldn't say I am completely here yet and it is a daily struggle, a daily battle with my instincts which tell me to sit down, stop talking, and keep the peace. I am able to continue this battle with the help of my amazing support system, my family, my partner and my friends. Also helping me through is my counselor, yes I have professional help in this battle for balance or harmony within myself. I think that people try to do it on their own too much and accepting help is the best thing a person can do for themselves.
Standing up for yourself is hard, looking at the people in your life and saying I'm not satisfied I'm not happy is hard for me. Only when I was breaking down on a daily basis did I stop and think maybe I need a change. So I went after it and am still going after it, everyday seeing what I want and what I need to keep me happy and content in my life.
So newness is what you get when you make these changes and strive towards better, and accepting the new is hard in itself. It was a wise person who said the simple statement of "Life is Hard"
I like the feeling of standing up for myself and letting the world know that I value myself and my work. I like standing up and taking what is mine. This in itself is a new experience for me, I used to sit back and receive whatever was offered to me as to not rock the boat. Now that is gone, now I can stand and say I matter and I have worth.
How did I get here? I wouldn't say I am completely here yet and it is a daily struggle, a daily battle with my instincts which tell me to sit down, stop talking, and keep the peace. I am able to continue this battle with the help of my amazing support system, my family, my partner and my friends. Also helping me through is my counselor, yes I have professional help in this battle for balance or harmony within myself. I think that people try to do it on their own too much and accepting help is the best thing a person can do for themselves.
Standing up for yourself is hard, looking at the people in your life and saying I'm not satisfied I'm not happy is hard for me. Only when I was breaking down on a daily basis did I stop and think maybe I need a change. So I went after it and am still going after it, everyday seeing what I want and what I need to keep me happy and content in my life.
So newness is what you get when you make these changes and strive towards better, and accepting the new is hard in itself. It was a wise person who said the simple statement of "Life is Hard"
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