My NON-motivation

I have been trying to get healthy, trying to loose about 25 pounds to look good at M's corporate trip and in general feel better about myself. However, I'm at the point that I don't want to be healthy anymore. I don't want to eat right, I don't want to exercise. I feel like every 10 minutes of exercise I do I should get some sort of medal or something. I'm not even working that hard, I can't find the motivation. I try to make it so I eat well and exercise but I love junk food and I have a wonderful partner that thinks I'm sexy. I need to do this for me, I feel so much better (stomach wise) when I eat right but I hate the process of it. I don't want to go to the grocery store, everything is so hard. 

 I keep reading motivation tips about how if it was easy everyone would do it but I don't know how to push through. If things are going to get real I think I'm scared of people judging me. I'm scared because my mom has always told me that I shouldn't loose weight. that I am too skinny so I eat junk food. The thing is I'm scared people will look at me and think I have an eating disorder, or that I'm "one of those girls" who only eats like a rabbit, that is what was negative in my life. I was always supposed to be the skinny one, and that mental block is hard to get over.

 The truth is, I'm not healthy, my stomach is a mess most of the time, I get colds all the time basically my immune system is awful. I spent so much time over the last year and a half working on my mental health, working through my issues, learning about myself and what I want in life. I think it's time to work on my physical health and maybe I need a professional to kick my butt.

I don't know how to push through

The fast paced lifestyle doesn't suit me

I would like to start by stating that I am not a very spontaneous person, I never have been, I like to plan and to make sure I am fully prepared for everything and anything that could happen. After a couple of weeks of debate I decided to get a part time job, something to supplement my income while I sort out my Arbonne business. So yesterday I went to 2 restaurants in my neighborhood just inquiring about if they were hiring, I went back today to follow-up and ended up in an interview with the manager and owner. It went well and approximately 10 minutes after I got home they called me back and offered me the job. I have my first shift tomorrow, then Thursday and a staff meeting on Sunday. As an un-spontaneous person I am terrified, it's all happening so fast and what if I don't remember how to serve? They talked in the interview about possibly making me assistant manager at some point and that scares me too. I want this to be a side job, something to give me some cash flexibility in my life while Arbonne is getting going, I don't want this to become my primary income. I don't want to forget about Arbonne.

I know I should be happy, I became employed very quickly and will hopefully take home tips before the end of my shifts this week (though usually you don't get tips during training). I guess I just hope this is the right direction for me. I'm going to pick up a package of things, menu, paperwork that sort of stuff from the restaurant at 5 and then I think I will stop at the liquor store to get some wine. I need to celebrate my new job and be thankful to have some more money at my disposal.

Sickness

I babysat for a friend on the weekend and picked up a bug, just a cold but it sure is hitting me hard! I didn't get out of bed until 11:30 this morning and it took just about all of my energy to put my clothes on. I need to do some work for Arbonne today so I am trying to conserve my energy until these things are done. It's funny how much being sick just makes me want to sleep forever. I suppose it does that with other people too but I am quite a sulky person when I am sick. I want everyone to pay attention to me and bring me delicious food to eat. I think today I won't be able to get that because of the work I have to do but it may be time for me to be an adult and suck it up.

A change in the path

I have spent the month planting seeds with Arbonne and as much as I have been trying things are not going the way I want them to. They are going to be good for my business eventually but they will not provide me the money I need to support myself. I currently only have enough money to pay one more months rent and then I won't have any money left. This is not only disappointing because I have to go back to working for someone else but I am scared I won't be able to handle it. Scared I will get caught up in working another job and Arbonne will fall to the way side, scared I will never get to the point I want to in Arbonne.

I've become complacent over the last couple of days facing this decision. I feel nothing concerning the situation, I'm not sure if I'm numb or if I'm not letting myself feel anything regarding the situation. I think I  have just wanted Arbonne to work out so much for so long that I don't know how I let it fall through my fingers. I love the life I have created for myself and I want to hold onto it but I don't know how to do that.

Simple, but not easy

I went to see my counselor today, I have been seeing her for over a year now and I love her! I think of her more as a friend than a counselor and every so often a mom, or maybe an older sister. Either way she is a great part of my life and seeing her every 3 weeks had become a necessity. It's amazing to be able to just talk without fear of judgement, no repercussions, just being able to bare your soul safely is wonderful in itself. Having her be able to also have insight into why I am the way I am is an added bonus.

She knows me pretty well and she usually gives me "homework" at the end of our sessions, something to keep in mind until we meet again. They are usually things like knowing my truth, knowing how to pay attention to what I want in my life, things like that. Today she gave me a serious challenge, she said for 3 weeks I have to banish my negative self talk, no beating myself up, no putting myself down, no I should have done this or that. It is said it take 3 weeks to form a habit, and as F said I will never be able to get rid of the negative self talk but if I try for 3 weeks it won't hurt. The catch is every time I slip I have to start the 3 weeks over again. I am going to try my hardest with this because it can only bring good things.

I have been struggling with eating well and exercising, struggling with balance in my life and getting down on myself because of this struggle. F pointed out today that the things I am struggling with are the things everyone struggles with, we as humans are not good at doing them consistently. I have a need to be perfect, standards that no one could live up to. I need to remind myself that if I struggle it's okay.

The other part of my life I'm having problems balancing is Arbonne, I am out of my warm market and need to find new customers. I'm scared to spend money but need to meet new people. I have been considering getting a new job, something to take the stress off financially. I'm not sure yet if I will but it is more of an option than it was a month ago. Arbonne is something that takes time, something that needs to mature before it gives me what I want. I am starting to accept that. Before I get another job I am going to take a yoga class, try and meet some new people and hopefully get some new contacts. If I don't get new contacts at least I will get some great exercise out of it. F always makes me feel like I'm in control, like things are so crystal clear, so simple. Not easy but simple, kind of like Arbonne.

No Eating = No Fun

I have written before about the struggle I have with my stomach, and as a part of this I have to have certain procedures every once in a while. Tomorrow I have to have a colonoscopy (4 and counting unfortunately) and the procedure itself is a breeze but the day before the procedure is torture. Starting at 7:00 in the morning I have to drink this weird rotten orange tasting chemical that causes me to be "cleaned out". This stuff not only tastes bad but when you mix it with water it turns hot! Then I have to wait until it is cooled to drink it. Along with having to drink this weird mixture I'm not allowed to eat, I can only have clear liquids though with my aversion to sugar I really have nothing except chicken broth to drink (and it only has 20 calories in each serving).

At 2:00 I get another dose of orange chemical and by now the hunger is making me a bad person. I'm cranky and want to eat but I have so many more hours in the day! I could never be anorexic.

New Year New Me?

In my last post I talked about how much I have changed in the last year. How much I have grown into a surprisingly vocal person with a large passion for life. I have now made it to 2012 and am taking a look at what I want to improve upon this year.

For starters I would like to be in a financially different place at the end of the year. I am currently struggling for money but I am following my dreams so I can deal for a little while. I would like to end the year in a much better financial position and the only way to do that is through activity. I got up this morning, got dressed and was ready to start my day. Both my fiancée and roommate exclaimed in surprise to see me dressed before noon which is hilarious but probably something I need to change. One of my goals is to get up and ready for the day. Even if I'm not leaving the house I need to be focused if I'm going to make this work.

My second focus is my health, I have struggled for a long time with my stomach problems and because of that never really focus on eating healthy. I tend to focus on whatever makes my stomach not hurt. I am trying to turn that around. I have started Arbonne's 30 days to feeling fit program which includes a regime of vitamin/ mineral shakes, daily power packs, and healthy whole foods. I want to be healthier it is the bottom line, however a little weight loss is also necessary. I usually don't pay attention to my weight, I never really had to though throughout December I noticed a little more love handles to grab, my boobs no longer fit into my bras and my jeans no longer fit. So I got on the scale and was SHOCKED, I weigh more than I ever have. Not just a little bit more like almost at the max I ever thought I would weigh. So I was shaken and decided its time to step up, time to be responsible for my eating habits and hopefully through eating better I will not only weigh less but see improvements in my stomach pain too.

So I want to eat better, but I still have no desire to exercise, I have an aversion to it. I don't like it at all and I want to get in shape but I don't want to exercise. I don't know how to change my mind set in this. I need help with this. I'm hoping it will just develop, fingers crossed.

Bottom line I want to take it one day at a time, live in the moment and not dwell on what has happened. If I take a day off do not focus on that, focus on the new day and taking my life to a new level. I need to remember to take time to enjoy this wonderful life I have.