Manners

In the world that we live in we are surrounded by things that distract us from the way things used to be. People used to say hi to their neighbors when they passed each other in the hallway or street. Values were based on friends and family instead of money and possessions. People used to talk to each other, not watch TV, or have full conversations instead of words interrupted by text messages or phone calls. We have become so involved in ourselves that we forget about manners, courtesy.

I say this now because of a disconnect I feel, with my friends, my family, and the world. Even as I sit here complaining about the problem I know I am a part of it. I check my phone when someone is talking to me, I use facebook when I am intertaining company, it is such a large part of our society that it is accepted.

As an example; today I was doing tests on a patient, while I was in the middle of a sentence explaining what the test would entail my patient answered his cell phone. Just took it out of his pocket and said hi and started a conversation. Really? Someone is doing a medical test on you and you answer the phone? and what is even more appaling is, someone was having a conversation with this man and he just blatintly interrupted. The human race stuns me sometimes.

So how do we return to the way things used to be? How do we get back the manners, the pleases, thanks yous and your welcomes?

I think it has to begin with mindfulness, thinking about it, and trying to get back to what we used to have. It should be easy, we should like our friends enough to be able to spend a couple of hours with them without checking to see how popular we are. Because really that's what its about, yes we are surrounded by amazing friends and family but its the voice inside our head that says who else wants to talk to me?

So this is my pact, to be mindful of spending time with the people I am physically with. Leaving the cell phone in my purse, checking my email once a day instead of 8 times, leaving Facebook as a once or twice a week event. Cherishing my wonderful friends and giving them my undivided attention, because they are my friends for a reason, I love them.

Travel

I am so excited! I have booked a trip to Las Vegas for May and my heart is bursting with joy. I will be making the trip with old friends; people who saw me through both tough and joyous times. To be reunited with these wonderful friends and at the same time being able to explore a new and wondrous place is just a little too much for me to take. I sit typing with a smile on my face, giggling internally at the shenanigans we will get up to on this trip.

The bright lights of Las Vegas call to me, the sites and sounds and wonders of the city and all it offers.

I love to travel, to see new places and the way different people live. Doing so with these girls is going to make it even sweeter. :)

Hell of a Day

Anxiety that lead to my breaking point today, but I worked it out. Most importantly on my own. Be prepared world I'm going all out with the truth. I'm trying to make a change

Reflection of a Dream

The last couple of days have been interesting. On Tuesday I woke up in a perpetual state of panic due to a vivid dream I had about a very close friend of mine who died when I was in University. The dream details have since faded from my mind but I do remember the pain and anguish I felt along with the tears I woke up with.

The dream residue stayed with me all day at work and forced me into a self exploration; why I was so effected by this dream and what I am looking for in my life. My beloved J was a person to live her life to the fullest, to always be the one to say yes, when I so often say no. It made me reflect on myself, and I'm not sure I know what's looking back at me.

Because of this world shattering dream I spent last night in deep thought, looking at every aspect of my being and trying to find an answer to my growing anxiety. The dream brought the feelings out; though I had no idea what the feelings meant or why I was feeling them. When evaluating my life its hard not to pretend that everything is okay, I strive towards happiness and sometimes its just easier to lie. But eventually the lie, like any lie, catches up with me and I am faced with fear, anxiety and questions to which I am too scared to answer.

The evening of deep thought lead to another day of anxious feelings. All day at work my heart was in my throat, my blood was pounding through my veins,  and at some points my hands were shaking. This physical reaction to stress that I experience makes me curse the instinct that leads me to lie to myself in the first place. But I always do it, I always lie, until I can't anymore.

Sometimes you need truth

Truth

So I have been expressing my life and myself for a while now, and as you can read I struggle on the best of days with life, love, stress, work and everything else. Now I would like to let you in on the secret I try to keep away from the public, the truth that I hide from almost everyone in my life. The truth of the matter is that I am sick, and not in a I will die soon way but in a daily pain and suffering way.

Anyone who knows me will be saying, but you complain about your stomach hurting all the time, which is true. The truth of the matter is that I complain for 10% of what I am actually going through. It is normal for me to wake up in the night with searing pain in my stomach like someone has tried to cut me from the inside. It is normal for me to be so encompassed with pain that I loose track of the conversation I am having, most of the time I have to leave the room because all I can do is double over in pain and hope for it to pass. It is normal for me to shy away from social situations for fear of having an attack and having to go home early because my stomach hurts. I spend my days with bile in the back of my throat praying I won't puke the next time I burp. This is my truth, this is the way I live.

Now those who don't know me are probably thinking, why don't you go to the doctor? Isn't there something, some medication to help fix this?

I have been seeing stomach specialists since I was 6 years old, they have told me I have chronic inflammation in my stomach, though they have yet to find a medication that works for more than 3 months. They can't fix me because I don't have crohn's, an ulcer or the many other things they have tested me for so I suffer, sometimes silently sometimes not, but this is my truth, this is my life.

I am going to a new specialist next week, and like all the rest before her I am hopeful. This is a big city and a new doctor and I have hope.

Be the Change you Want to see in the World

The other night my group of friends had the honor of attending a wonderfully organized gala to help raise money to bring water, wells, windmills and education to the underprivileged children of Tanzania. There was a silent and live auction along with a wonderful dinner and slide show about the work that another chapter of the charity is doing. A very close friend of mine was the organizer of the Gala and when she got up to introduce the speaker her words brought me to tears.

I have always been the kind of person to get swept up in the moment of a cause, when I was attending Relay for Life a couple of years ago I was convinced that the next year I would shave my head for the charity Head for the Cure. I didn't though, I told my friends and family and they convinced me not to. The same happened this weekend when watching this slide show I had a longing to do something about it. To go to Tanzania to help the children, to do something. Even before the thoughts had fully formed I was convincing myself not to. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, or why I can't follow through but eventually my life takes over and I forget the passion I felt.

I guess I have always been searching for a cause, I want to help the world. On our table marker at the gala there was a quote that said "Be the Change you Want to See in the World" and throughout the night I kept coming back to it. Saying it over and over in my mind, which brought me to the question of what is the change I want to see in the world? How can I take on the world when I can't even figure myself out?

I feel like I'm in grade 2 again when we would do projects on how the world should be, we as children would answer candy everyday and no school or something along those lines. Now as an adult I am faced with if I could, how would I change the world?