Ever Feel Like Your Just a Number?

I spent the morning getting multiple medical tests, just another day trying to figure out what illness ales me. I received an ultra sound (and no I'm not pregnant), blood and urine tests; performed at 2 different facilities and I was shocked at my encounters.

As I was called for my ultra sound the woman said hello and how are you, though she started walking down the hallway without waiting for the answer. Now this isn't a shock, people I know ask me about my day and don't really care about the answer so this wasn't out of the ordinary. I rushed to follow this woman down a series of hallways and she points me to a change room says strip to the waste and put this on open to the back, handing me a paper gown. I barely made out what she said since she said it so fast and I had to clarify what I had to do.

As I changed I thought, where do I leave my clothes and stick my head out to see and she just users me into another room, saying bring your clothes. So I go into the room and she gets me to lie down, she tucks a paper sheet into my underwear and pulls the gown up so it is just covering my breasts and starts the exam. What I'm thinking in my head goes a little like this "well it would be nice to know your name? or how the test is going to be performed? or what you are doing?" She continues to give me prompts asking me to breathe deep, hold my breath and so on, we have no other conversation. After she is done I mention that it hurt quite a bit during the test but since I knew she had to do it I didn't say anything. She brushes this off and gives me a weird unrelated explanation on why they get me to breathe so deep during the test then gives me some paper towel, says my test results will be given to my doctor in 2 days and leaves the room. So I clean myself off and go on my way.

Next test was the blood and urine tests, I was called by a woman who did not say my name correctly (but really who does?) but didn't even have the courtesy to say sorry did I get that right? As she took me into the room I started to say I grow faint when I get my blood taken, and as I say it I point to the sign on the wall telling me to tell them as a joke to lighten the mood. She cuts me off and walks out of the room saying okay we will lay you down. As I reach the room she tells me to get onto the bed and checks my veins (now I will admit that during this time she was very nice asking me if I was okay but I have a feeling its because she didn't want me to pass out or puke on her). After the blood test she said okay now we need a urine sample; hands me the cup and points to the bathroom. Then after I asked she explained where I put the sample when I am done.

So I go into the bathroom and there are very clear instructions on how to collect the sample on a sign on the wall, but what if I couldn't read? Or what if I had questions? The woman was gone so fast I didn't have an opportunity to ask anymore questions.

As I waited for my boyfriend to come pick me up all I could think about was the standard of health care in our country. Now some people would say that I am lucky that I am able to have those tests done without paying for it, and to a degree I agree with them. The problem is I am just a number to those people, none of the tests I had were explained to me, I don't know the names of the people who performed them, I wasn't even asked to confirm any personal information. The woman left the door open while I was getting my blood taken! I could see the waiting room!

I have had a lot of tests, I have had sedation put into my arm without my knowledge, I have had to ask to see a doctor before a test was performed (to ask questions the nurse couldn't answer), I have waited 3 months to see a specialist and when I had the appointment I actually didn't speak to the doctor! The technician did my test and I only saw the doctor through a curtain. I think when in a medical situation you have speak up for yourself, you have to ask the questions and you have to be assertive. Otherwise you go home with more questions then answers.

But the situation is truly sad, being a number is sad, feeling like you don't matter when you getting a test to find out what's wrong with you is sad. Something needs to change

A New Idea

A wonderful friend of mine sent this to me the other day, it made me think and I think I love it...

“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.” 
— 
Hugh Mackay


... okay I know I love it

High's and Low's

Today I read the post of my best friend and it really got me thinking, she spoke of how she can change moods instantly and the extremes give her whiplash. I immediately connected with this thought since my own moods can cause permanent physical damage when they choose to swing. Today for instance I went from intense worry, to deep sadness, to ecstasy, then finally melancholy. Why do these feelings torture me so much, why can't I just be happy, the extremes are too much to deal with. I want consistency.

One of my biggest flaws is my impatience, I don't like to wait and I can most of the time I voice this dislike quite loudly. My mother once told me not to wish my days away because one day they will be gone and I will want them back. I can't help it though I want more money, I want to be able to get the things I crave in life, I don't want to stand still anymore. I want to prove to the world that Arbonne is not a "thing" that I am a smart person and I chose correctly. That just because I don't work in an office doesn't mean I'm not successful. I am 6883 QV away from my goal, I have 1 business meeting, 1 personal party, 10 team parties and a small trade show. All of these things seem to add up to an Area but I am scared it won't. I am scared that I will get so close and it will be taken away from me. I am scared I will have to keep struggling, fighting for my place in this world. I am scared I will keep standing still, never moving forward, always stuck in my perpetual cycle of highs and lows.

I am especially scared that if I make this goal and I get what I think I want that I will still be stuck in this cycle. What if I spend my life looking for what I want only to find out that what I wanted was here all along. Why can't I just be happy with my good life, why are humans always dissatisfied with everything. Why do we want until we can't want anymore?

Scared of what?

I haven't been blogging lately, I couldn't really figure out why at first, I guess I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts. When I was talking about the subject with my beautiful bestie I mentioned that I felt scared, that what I was thinking wasn't able to be read by the public. Then my wonderfully insightful friend brought up the fact that no one I know really reads my blog and why should I be worried? It made me stop and think; what am I scared of? Why do I worry about what the world thinks? As I pondered this thought I came to realize its myself I'm worried about. If I write down the thoughts in my head then it makes them real, makes them have more substance somehow.

Truthfully I'm scared, I get scared when I feel sad that I will always feel that way, I get scared when I am happy. Scared that the crash will be so huge this time that I won't recover. Scared of failure, of unhappiness, of doubt.

I have finally found something that makes me happy, makes me feel like I am making a difference and most importantly something that will make me money. All of this rolled into one feels too good to be true and I feel like I am holding my breath until reality checks in. I am building a team and I have one rock star already I just need 3 more. I feel I can make it to the top in this business and I want it so badly.

I have to acknowledge that I am the only person who can hold me back. I need to stop the negative thoughts in my head. I need to have the fire I had on the last day of October. I need to be positive.

Completion of the Road to Area

I wrote the other day about my goal of becoming first step Area Manager and how I was being positive but I didn't think that it was achievable in the next 4 days. I had an amazing party with my new consultant and was about 1668 away from my goal. I was staring at my webstats thinking about how to achieve this goal when I got a phone call from my RVP. I don't speak with this woman a lot so a phone call from her made me feel pretty special. She asked me if I thought I could make my goal and if I wanted to and when I said yes she gave me the tools to achieve my goal and I did! I started at 2 in the afternoon and went until 10 with no stops, no breaks, just calling "dialing for dollars". I didn't even want to start, it didn't even cross my mind to stop, M brought me supper, tea and my passion fueled me to keep going.

I was on this high that the word no didn't effect me and I just felt bad for the people who weren't taking me up on my amazing deal. Every sale I made gave me a rush to dial again and push towards that goal. Yesterday my support system came through for me like never before; I had my boyfriend who not only called all of his family for me but got one of his co-workers to order from me just to help me reach my goal. I had my Arbonne upline calling me, sending me encouraging texts, giving me the focus I needed to keep going. These people believe in my ability and this business so much that it was just me saying I want this and they were there to give me the tools I needed. My friends and family gave me everything I needed, ordered if they could or gave me encouraging words if they couldn't order.

When the clock turned 10 and my day was over I had reached my goal! I did it, I looked at that wonderful 8043 with 16 new PCs in my successline and felt such pride in myself. This feeling is amazing and not something I have experienced much in the past, this goal was a crazy one, and I told everyone I was going to do it, I wanted it and it wasn't easy but I still did it. I'm proud of myself.

November is a new month and it comes with an even bigger goal so I have to keep this passion, keep my belief pitcher full and give all I can to my team. They are the key to reaching Area Manager and I am so excited.

Yesterday's push gave me joy, seeing myself the way my support system does. Realizing that no isn't a big deal. Realizing that I will be an Area Manager on December 1, 2011.