Crash

I have an over-whelming need to be perfect, when I am trying to plan something, do something, do anything, I feel anxiety building inside of me. It might mean I care, it might mean I have been so trained to care what other people think that I seek approval in everything I do. I don't know why the approval of the rest of the world means so much to me, and I thought I was getting over it which makes what I'm feeling even more upset about the situation.

I'm freaking out about my first launch party not going the way I want it to go. I'm scared everyone is going to be late or not show up or that I'm not going to be able to answer any questions. I'm also feeling very much out of the loop when it comes to the actually planning of the party. I don't know what is going to even happen at the party because we haven't gone over it. Is that what my support system is for? Or am I supposed to do it all on my own? The girls are awesome but I feel like I want to ask them questions every moment of the day and that if I actually asked them everything I think that they will hate me.

And that's the part that doesn't make any sense, I just met these people, I don't know them and they are in my life specifically to help me make successful but I care about how they view me. Why is it so important to me, maybe its because I was told I was annoying so much as a child. I really was told that a lot, annoying and mouthy, a smart ass and sarcastic. I am all of these things, I guess I just don't want the label.

I'm not in enough control, I want more and can't figure out how to get it. My boyfriend thinks the answer is so simple, just do what I know I need to do. It's really hard for me though. I know I need to call people, I know I need to make connections but I feel like I don't have enough information. I've crashed, I was scared that I would and it has hit me very hard, the high I was on was so high, I was so happy and I think I just got my reality check.

I feel like I should be doing more, I feel like I should do more and I don't and this is a pattern I have seen before. I'm scared I will give up and not do it anymore and I haven't even started. I need to get out of my head, I need to step back. I need this party to happen so I can see how it works, learn it for myself, get my confidence to do this on my own.

So Many Changes

So many things have happened in the last couple of days, I became an Independent Consultant for an amazing cosmetic and skin care company; Arbonne International, and I got a new job doing coordination type work at a very large oil company. I am so excited and overwhelmed, my emotions have been ranging from ecstasy to panic. I am trying to take one thing at a time but I go between wanting to slow down to wanting to do everything at once.

I am excited to learn about this new part of my life, both the new job and the consultant business but I have to admit I have been a little distracted with the Arbonne stuff and kind of ignoring the new job. I think its because with Arbonne I get to be my own boss, I get to decide how hard I work and when I work. That is what attracted it to me in the first place, I'm going this evening to pick up all of the product that I ordered and I can't wait! I have a secret, I am a closet cosmetic junky. When I buy new products I take them home, line them up, read all the packaging and I try them out one by one. Yes I do this, and now I am a cosmetic company rep and I am so excited. Also since I have been using the skin care line I have not had very many pimples and my black heads are way better. All around good things.

As for the new job, I don't know very much about it, I sort of jumped in head first because I can't be at my current job any longer. It hurts my brain too much. I'm riding a high for sure but every so often a little voice inside of me says don't get too excited, don't get your hopes up, what if your disappointed? I hate this voice, I hate it and wish it would go away. I have been trying to learn to ignore it and most of the time I succeed, but its so sneaky and quiet. The voice comes from no where and places doubt in my mind, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.

Through the doubt there is so much happiness, I am so glad I decided to take control of my life and make decisions for me. Maybe Arbonne will be a waste of my time and money, maybe I will look back on it and say why did I do this. Or maybe I will be amazing at it, and I will get to do it full time and never have to go to an office every again. I could raise my kids and still make money for myself, not having to reply fully on a husband. This job has so many dreams attached to it I need to reign myself in, check myself that I haven't even started yet. I need to take it slow, but that's not really how I do things. When I decide I'm doing something I do it fully, it may take me awhile to reach the decision but after it is made I'm committed.

Last night before I went to bed I was genuinely elated, I couldn't keep the smile off of my face. I know the next couple of months will be hard. Getting your own business up and running is such a challenge and 97% of people in the direct sales market fail. I think I like being the underdog though, show everyone I can do it, even if no one thinks I can. Which by the way is not the case since my family, friends and boyfriend have been amazing through all of this and will continue to be I'm sure. I guess I like being the statistical underdog.

My emotions are going crazy but I am very happy which is an amazing thing.

Decisions, decisions, decisions, what to do? I went to my business meeting today and it made me more confused about the decision I am facing. I spent all afternoon thinking about the pros and cons of this opportunity, talked to my mom, my dad, my boyfriend, and my friends. I have talked the issue to death and have come to a sort of conclusion. I am going to enter the direct marketing world, selling cosmetic and health products. I feel this is something I will be good at and have a great support system to help me through. I like the product and trust in myself to be successful. I am hoping that eventually this can become my full time job.

My next decision is to figure out what type of money I am going to put into it to start up. This is tricky because I was raised to be very careful with my money, I'm much better then I used to be but I am not very good at putting my money towards something if it's not a sure thing. I know putting the full amount of start up money into this will give me the best start I could get. To convince myself I need to view this opportunity as an investment in myself, which I know me and know I will do a good job. It's just a lot of money and with my weird job situation I'm not sure if I have the balls to say here take my savings in case I become unemployed tomorrow.

My boyfriend keeps telling me I have to step away from the decision for a couple of days, clear my head and then come back to it. I know it is good advice I just feel an urgency to make the decision. I feel this urgency in pretty much all decisions I have to make. Maybe because if something is not resolved it just burns into my brain until I figure it out. Once a decision is made it doesn't bother me anymore, I have to live with the consequences but at least it has been figured out. It's weird but that's always been how I feel about things.

My company contact will be calling me tomorrow, I'm going to ask for a little bit of information on what I get in my start up package and I hope this will help me with the money question. More discussion tomorrow, I'm getting a little less scared.

Opportunity

I've been ignoring the fact that I told my boss I don't like my job so any day now I could not have one. I could go to work and have them say today is my last day and I am not really close to finding anything else. The worst part about this is that I'm not even looking for a job, trusting in the universe apparently to deliver a job to me. I write this sarcastically but only because I have never experienced this before. I do not have complete stability in my life but I'm not panicked. I'm not stressing every minute of everyday like I feel like I should be. Why do I feel the constant need to worry? Why when I am actually just living my life and enjoying myself do I worry about not worrying? It doesn't even make sense.

Along with ignoring the job situation I have been trying to decide about a potential opportunity. I have been trying to decide if I want to become an independent sales consultant. I have been thinking about a couple of different companies ranging between makeup, health products and kitchen products. With this decision I have been doing a lot of research and actually spoke to a consultant who works for one of the companies. It was a really good experience but brought up a lot of scary doubts. Firstly, what if I can't do it? Or what if I start up and then fail? What if I alienate my friends? What if they feel awkward because all I talk about is the company and its products? What if I fail at the job because I can't cook? What if I'm just not good enough?

Those are the doubts I have, now the expectations are a totally different thing. When I think about doing this I feel like I could be amazing at it. Like it could be my full time career, I wouldn't have to work for someone else, I could make my own hours. I just feel like it could be amazing but the weight of failure seems to be pressing down on me. I'm scared to step off into the deep end and make the decision. I have a meeting with a second company tomorrow and after the meeting I am going to be forced to make a decision.

So what to do? How do I decide what the best thing for me is? How do I start to evaluate what I can or cannot do in life? How do I get rid of the crippling fear of failure? Apparently I'm not as stress free as I thought I was...

Back to Honesty

When I started blogging no one knew about it, so I was very honest and very raw. The more my friends found out about the blog the more I started to censor myself, though I didn't realize it at first. The more I wrote the more I want it to be pretty and concise and have well developed themes but it may be taking away from the emotion I am conveying. I'm hesitant to write about what I am feeling, I am hesitant to let my feelings out. This is an old habit that I have been trying to get rid of but I guess what I am going through in my life has left me uncertain.

Right now on paper my life is in shambles, I left a secure job for something I thought was better, it wasn't. This not only leaves me with a crappy job but also with this confusing sense of where did I go wrong. I am so confused about how I ended up with this situation and now I don't trust my decisions. I went to Vegas and forgot about my problems for a little while, now I am home and have to face my reality. I went to a staffing company today to apply and see about the opportunity they have for me. Everything went well but I'm unsure because I made a horrible decision about my last job and I have lost all of my confidence. I can't pick out what is good and what isn't anymore, I thought I could trust my gut, I just don't know.

Along with the job confusion I went to Vegas and came face to face with how I used to act. Constantly looking to others for approval, doing things I didn't want to do to please others, keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace, justifying every action, judging other people. All of these things make my stomach turn at the person I used to be, at points I wanted to recoil from the thought that I used to act this way. My boyfriend says I wasn't as bad as the girls but I can see it, and it terrifies me. I never want to be that way ever again. I want to have control over my life, I want to surround myself with people who I love and who love me. The negativity I dealt with this weekend has been eating at my soul.

I feel stability wavering, I don't know what I need, I'm not sure I even know what I want, I'm a little lost, I need to find my way back

A World Away

I've been gone for 5 days, not long really, though I feel like I have been gone for a lifetime, to a place a world away from what I know. Vegas was, stimulating, that's really the only word that describes it, everywhere you look there are 10 things fighting for your attention and appreciation. The inner workings of the Vegas world are very specific, make girls feel important and make guys spend money, doing both of these thing leads regular people to do ridiculous things they would normally never do. Or allows people to do the things they have always wanted to do but were too scared.

Along with partying, drinking and clubbing Vegas has so much to offer in the form of magnificent shows, delectable food, and the most interesting architecture I have ever seen. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the city, the lights and intricate beat that the city has. You can feel the pulse of life in that place,  it was a wonderful experience.

My companions on this trip were girls I knew in university, dear friends who I shared my life with for 4 years and since I have seen them last I have changed. I have become more confident in myself and my opinions, have become better at knowing what I want and what makes me happy. I have made these changes in my life and was nervous about showing my new self to the girls. What I had not considered was how much my friends have not changed. Seeing the girls shocked me, it took my old way of thinking and acting and basically threw it in my face. The judgement, justification, qualifying, double checking, pleasing, it was all put in front of me and I got to see how far I have come.

Vegas!

I'm Vegas bound this morning, very excited about seeing a new place and experiencing the Vegas experience. I am apprehensive though because the people I am going with knew me before the move. When I was less sure of myself and less opinionated. I wonder how they will react? It will be exciting, I just hope I can keep it up, no people pleasing this weekend, just me pleasing!

Friends

I have been in a really bad place lately, I have been dealing with the disappointment of my new job not being what I wanted it to be and the impact it is having on my life. Normally in this situation I would keep everything inside, I would let my thoughts run around in my head until I eventually break down.

In the last couple of days my friends have been a ray of light in my life. They have distracted me from the situation, helped me figure out what to do and listened to me complain. I am getting through because of them.

Who I am

I have spent a lot of time on this blog writing about who I am, who I am trying to be, who I want to be. Writing about how I don't know myself very well because I have spent most of my life doing what other people want to keep them happy. I have been really focusing on finding out what I like and who I am at the core of everything.

I preamble with this because I believe I have figured out what is making me recoil from my new job with such passion and heart ache. After many discussions with my loved ones, many discussions, I have figured out that I don't like the job but also, I don't like who I am when I am there. I am this fake, superficial,  impersonation of me and I hate it. My whole body recoils from it like a disease.

It's like in 2 weeks I have completely reverted back to the person I was in High School, not expressing my feelings, not bringing up my opinions, just being that people pleaser that I have been trying so hard to forget. I guess old habits die hard.

New plan, find a new job, again.

Decisions

Decisions are a funny thing, you try to use all of your resources when making them, you weigh the pros and cons, you trust your gut/head/heart and in the end, what do you have? You have life; you have to live with the decisions you have made and well, some of the time no matter what you used to make a decision, it turned out to be wrong.

I'm writing about decisions because I am struggling with my new job, I am catching on quickly, enjoy my co-workers but I'm not challenged. I feel like I just traded one bad receptionist job for another. It may be that I haven't given it enough time, I have only been there for 6 days, but there is something in my heart telling me I'm not going to be happy there. I wanted it for the opportunity to grow. I wanted to be able to make something of myself. I wanted jump start my career. I was so excited after my first couple of days, learning the new things and how the job works. Now, 6 days in, everything feel mundane, I feel like I could do the job in my sleep. I also don't believe in the product like I did at my last job so that is hard to get used to. The negativity is building inside of me and I'm struggling.

I feel like I failed, like I shouldn't have left my last job and I made a huge mistake. In short I am panicking about the decision that I made.

I know I should give it more time; but then I think, if I know I'm unhappy should I really lead these people on? Should I go about my day to day life while looking for a new job (yet again)? Does this job deserve my loyalty? The people are so nice and I'm getting attached to them as the days go on, I feel guilty just thinking about this. This is hard for me, being so I'm unsure of my thoughts and feelings, I'm scared to make any more decisions because my last one was apparently not very well thought out. If I had thought about it longer would it have changed anything?