Being your best is not so much about overcoming the barriers other people place in front of you

 as it is about overcoming the barriers we place in front of ourselves. 

It has nothing to do with how many times you win or lose. 

It has no relation to where you finish in a race or whether you break world records.

 But it does have everything to do with having the vision to dream, 

the courage to recover from adversity and the determination never to be shifted from your goals

 -Kieren Perkins

Been gone for some time

I haven't been blogging, haven't been writing my thoughts down for the wonderful web to view and enjoy, well hopefully enjoy. It's been almost 5 months and though I have thought many times about coming here to put my thoughts down I never felt I had anything to say. Nothing huge has happened, nothing to say why I finally decided this is the night I will write but here I am.

I stopped seeing my counselor earlier this year, even earlier than I stopped blogging and recently I have been thinking about going back. I kind of feel as though I'm slipping back into my old habits or maybe not slipping just feeling less confident in myself and my purpose. My counselor once told me I have a sort of block against being happy, like when I finally get close I do something or make an issue about something to stir up trouble. Maybe I just like drama, maybe the passion in movies, TV shows and books is something I strive towards because I like them so much. I've never really understood my ability to make nothing into something I guess it's a skill.

I work towards putting those tendencies down, to not give in to making trouble for the sake of making trouble. I try to be logical about things, which usually leads to me blogging about the thoughts filling my head.

I think all the time about the material things I want; money, to be skinny, to have a good wardrobe, money. I would do such good things if I was rich, I would give to charity, I would treat my friends with presents all the time, I feel like if I had money I could stop stressing out about everything.

The problem with this is I have an aversion to hard work, I don't like working, I like enjoying myself and not working. These two things do not go together well; they do not compute, how am I supposed to get this money if I'm not willing to work for it? Do I even deserve this wealth if I'm not willing to work for it? Most likely not.

I want to work hard, I want to push myself to be the person I want to be, the person I know I could be happy with, the person I know I am. I will work hard, I have the vehicle, I need to start driving it.