Been gone for some time

I haven't been blogging, haven't been writing my thoughts down for the wonderful web to view and enjoy, well hopefully enjoy. It's been almost 5 months and though I have thought many times about coming here to put my thoughts down I never felt I had anything to say. Nothing huge has happened, nothing to say why I finally decided this is the night I will write but here I am.

I stopped seeing my counselor earlier this year, even earlier than I stopped blogging and recently I have been thinking about going back. I kind of feel as though I'm slipping back into my old habits or maybe not slipping just feeling less confident in myself and my purpose. My counselor once told me I have a sort of block against being happy, like when I finally get close I do something or make an issue about something to stir up trouble. Maybe I just like drama, maybe the passion in movies, TV shows and books is something I strive towards because I like them so much. I've never really understood my ability to make nothing into something I guess it's a skill.

I work towards putting those tendencies down, to not give in to making trouble for the sake of making trouble. I try to be logical about things, which usually leads to me blogging about the thoughts filling my head.

I think all the time about the material things I want; money, to be skinny, to have a good wardrobe, money. I would do such good things if I was rich, I would give to charity, I would treat my friends with presents all the time, I feel like if I had money I could stop stressing out about everything.

The problem with this is I have an aversion to hard work, I don't like working, I like enjoying myself and not working. These two things do not go together well; they do not compute, how am I supposed to get this money if I'm not willing to work for it? Do I even deserve this wealth if I'm not willing to work for it? Most likely not.

I want to work hard, I want to push myself to be the person I want to be, the person I know I could be happy with, the person I know I am. I will work hard, I have the vehicle, I need to start driving it.