Comfort

My blogging this month has been very staggered, I haven't been feeling the need to pour my anxiety into the written word as often as I used to I guess. Does this mean I am getting more mature in my life and learning how to talk about my problems or am I just living my life the way I want to so there is less conflict for me to deal with? I'm not sure which, and truthfully it is probably a combination of the both.

I guess being sick had also contributed to my not having anything to write about, when you spend most of your time sleeping its hard to come up with interesting things to think/write about. I have been sick for a while now, feeling awful and wanting to sleep all the time but today I woke up and felt like doing something. I cleaned the whole apartment, had good meals, and am now having a great (okay mediocre) glass of wine.

I've been getting ready to ramp up my Arbonne business since our training a couple of weekends ago and I'm very excited about it. I still haven't been doing my calls as I should be but tomorrow I have a meeting with a potential business partner who I have really high hopes for. I've been trying not to get my hopes up but that's kind of what I do.

I have been wanting to achieve balance in my life lately; I've been working on eating healthy, getting Arbonne going, working my shifts at the resturant, spending time with M, working on paying down my debt. I've been trying to make it so all of these things work together in my life without breaking down. I get scared I will take on too much and end up running from it all again.

I spend a lot of my time being scared, I am very scared of failing and even though everyone says if you don't try you fail anyway I have always been in the boat that if I don't try I can't fail. I know this is flawed, I know but it's comfortable for me.

I'm becoming more brave though, I've been working very hard at being brave, at pushing my limits at being okay with being scared. Even more than being brave, I'm working on knowing my truth, knowing myself and loving it. I am spending my birthday money on rent this month, and I'm okay with that. I realized that I choose to live my life in the way that I choose and if that means spending my birthday money on rent then it's worth it.

Rambling

I haven't posted in a while, not since I got drunk and spilled my heart out to a girl I knew in high school because of a sentimental picture on facebook. After my last post I sent it to the girl I was talking about and have now started a shaky dialogue with her about how things used to be and why things are the way they are now.

I guess I haven't had a lot to say, I tried writing my book for a while but I am not so good at putting my ideas onto paper. I have a grand idea, a concept that I think will be amazing but to actually form characters, plots, and the rise and fall of events is really hard. I have a lot of respect for writers and their ability to put themselves in their work.

I got a new job, am working towards getting my finances in control but I was sick this week. I spent 3 days doing nothing at all and now I have a sense of need to do. I feel like I have just been wasting my life and that I need it to have purpose again. It's funny how 3 days can change things, I hate waiting, and want things to get back on track so much faster than they are.

Wishes

Since I finished high school I have distanced myself from the people I once knew. I was made fun of in high school not only because young girls are mean but because I had no voice back then. After I left high school I spent a couple of summers making my way closer to my new university friends and farther away from those who I knew as a girl. I had always thought this a good decision, because of my hardships through school I thought that I was better off without those mean girls who made me feel so bad about myself. Even at one point in university I tried to reconnect, thinking they may have grown up from the people they used to be. Either they hadn't changed or I couldn't let go of the hurt they once gave to me but either way I couldn't be the person I used to be. I left that life a long time ago and have had little regrets since.

Now it has been 7 years since high school and as much as I thought I made the choice one of my past best friends is getting married tomorrow. I saw a picture on facebook of all of my old friends, together and so happy. Tomorrow is her wedding day and she was a good friend, I won't be there and I am sad over it. I am sad that things said in adolescence, things said by insecure young girls hurt me so much I couldn't put it behind me. Sad that I couldn't be the bigger person, couldn't forgive or forget any of the horrible things done to me in ignorance.

If I could I would tell this wonderful woman that I believe she deserves all the happiness in the world, and that I remember a time when she didn't have it. I remember when she was this amazing person that no one else could see and I am so happy she found love, found a person who lets her be the real her even if I don't know who that is anymore.

I feel the people you grow up with are the people who shape you into the person you want to be, or at the very least show you who you want to be.

Most of all I wish I could let it go, I wish I could change the way I feel, the way I was, the way things worked out. I wish I could see her tomorrow, because I know she will look stunning, wish I could be there. I wish the things that KJ did to me didn't make me hate them all so much. I wish I could have been stronger sooner.

I have found my prince, the person who makes me feel like everything is better even if it isn't and I so wish and hope that this is what she has with her new husband. No matter that we don't talk anymore, no matter that I probably never cross her mind; she helped create the person I am today. I so hope she is happy, from the bottom of my heart she deserves all the love and happiness in the world.