Being your best is not so much about overcoming the barriers other people place in front of you

 as it is about overcoming the barriers we place in front of ourselves. 

It has nothing to do with how many times you win or lose. 

It has no relation to where you finish in a race or whether you break world records.

 But it does have everything to do with having the vision to dream, 

the courage to recover from adversity and the determination never to be shifted from your goals

 -Kieren Perkins

Been gone for some time

I haven't been blogging, haven't been writing my thoughts down for the wonderful web to view and enjoy, well hopefully enjoy. It's been almost 5 months and though I have thought many times about coming here to put my thoughts down I never felt I had anything to say. Nothing huge has happened, nothing to say why I finally decided this is the night I will write but here I am.

I stopped seeing my counselor earlier this year, even earlier than I stopped blogging and recently I have been thinking about going back. I kind of feel as though I'm slipping back into my old habits or maybe not slipping just feeling less confident in myself and my purpose. My counselor once told me I have a sort of block against being happy, like when I finally get close I do something or make an issue about something to stir up trouble. Maybe I just like drama, maybe the passion in movies, TV shows and books is something I strive towards because I like them so much. I've never really understood my ability to make nothing into something I guess it's a skill.

I work towards putting those tendencies down, to not give in to making trouble for the sake of making trouble. I try to be logical about things, which usually leads to me blogging about the thoughts filling my head.

I think all the time about the material things I want; money, to be skinny, to have a good wardrobe, money. I would do such good things if I was rich, I would give to charity, I would treat my friends with presents all the time, I feel like if I had money I could stop stressing out about everything.

The problem with this is I have an aversion to hard work, I don't like working, I like enjoying myself and not working. These two things do not go together well; they do not compute, how am I supposed to get this money if I'm not willing to work for it? Do I even deserve this wealth if I'm not willing to work for it? Most likely not.

I want to work hard, I want to push myself to be the person I want to be, the person I know I could be happy with, the person I know I am. I will work hard, I have the vehicle, I need to start driving it.

Update

I have been busy over the last couple of weeks since arriving home from my vacation. I have been working a lot, and not only working a lot but not doing much else, spending my time off at home having me time. I think I am finally ready to get out of that habit but now I feel like my summer is slipping away from me, too soon the cold will come and I will be back to being stuck inside for fear of the -30 degree weather. Maybe I should look into living somewhere with better weather, though I'm not sure that exists in Canada.

My finance and I were talking the other day about moving to Australia or New Zealand; I wasn't as receptive to the idea as I once would have been. I'm not sure if I am scared or just don't want to disrupt the life we have built but I have large reservations about the idea. Thinking about moving away from my friends and making a whole new life seems like so much work. I think I would rather just save up an go on a really long vacation. Who knows what will happen, once my finance figures out about his new job I think things will fall into place a little more easily.

I am making money at my new job and am proud to say I no longer have an outstanding balance on my credit card, yay! Also I have started putting money back into my savings account to begin to replenish my wedding fund and actually have day to day money so I can do things. This makes me very happy, having control over that part of my life finally is a huge accomplishment for me.

I guess that sums up my life right now, work and saving money, it sounds so boring saying it like that but I like how things have been going. I'm finally getting the stability I was craving.

There's no place like home

I just returned from a 12 day visit to my home town; and though seeing my family is always amazing being back in that town makes me feel like somethings crawling around in my skin. I made so much progress going to see my counsellor over the last year but when I return to my hometown it's like all of the work I have done flies out the window. The pressure to be that person I used to be is so strong when I'm in NS, and going home without my finance makes it so I have nothing to ground myself. I forget that this isn't my life, that it is only for a vacation.

I immediately felt better when I walked off the plane, and hanging out with my friends the next day made my heart swell. I know for certain that this is my home now; it's where my heart wants to be.

When I was at home I felt such a strong urge to get into shape, everyday it would fill my mind about different exercises to do and plans to eat healthy. I didn't do anything about it while I was home though, I have always been "skinny" and the people in my family always put down my idea that I need to loose weight. Not that they discourage exercise but it just doesn't fit into the image I grew up with so dealing with their surprise if I were to work out is enough to discourage me. (Can you see why I hate this place?) Now I know a lot of these issues I have are in my head but it's hard to want to exercise and eat right when you are the smallest person in the room/ everyone is telling you that you don't have to loose weight in a "your stupid if you do voice."

So when I got home yesterday I was very excited to start my journey to fitness. This is my over all goal, to be fit, to be strong, to look great. I have this over all goal but I need specific goals to keep myself on track. I would like to loose 20 pounds and go back to having my clothes fit, hopefully between a size 2 and 4. I am going to start a clothes fund in my savings account for when I reach my goal and for each day of exercise I will put $10 in. By the time I get to my goal I will be able to go on a shopping spree!

I have taken my measurements, written them down along with my weight, I'm hoping by the time I go to the wedding I have in August I will hear "Have you lost weight?" from my friends and family.

Crying; it's just what girls do

Good News! I have a new job, I am working at a new restaurant and not so good news, my first day actually serving led to me crying. It is not as bad as it seems, the shift was 9 hours long and I didn't eat during it, hunger makes me very cranky and my feet were super sore so I had a little cry when I got home. It's what girls do. So far I am impressed with the owner but think that when she isn't there things work a little different so that will be something I need to get used to. It is a very different environment than what I have experienced before; firstly I am not allowed to hang out at the place I work. I usually eat my supper and have a drink after shift but this isn't possible at my new employer. If my friends come in I can't serve them, the restaurant is very professional, a little uptight but I think it will be good in the long run.

During my training we did some food sampling, which led to the end of my Vegan experiment. It was a great try but I am not able to do it properly because I'm too lazy. I really missed eggs and cheese, the meat wasn't as missed.

Tomorrow is my second shift and I hope I can keep my cool a little better this time, I'm trying to figure out if I should bring food or just demand a break. It's a fine line with a new job, getting what you want and not complaining because you are new. Lots of little rules that take forever to figure out and each employer is different.

Back to the drawing board

Today starts my third week of eating a vegan diet and I must say I'm pretty sick of it. I am experiencing wonderful things in the stomach department but I am not being very healthy about it. I truly don't like vegetables that much so if I don't go out of my way to make a meal I end up eating grains and meat substitutes which isn't much different from my old way of eating. The main reason I wanted to try this out was to lose weight, I was really excited about the unexpected stomach benefits but I haven't lost anything so I really am not reaching my goal. I'm sure if I ate only veggies I would be loosing weight but my love of bread has been dominating my diet for the last 2 weeks so I'm not loosing the way I thought I would.

I was discussing different eating habits with a friend last night and he brought up the 4 hour body, he had lost weight doing it and I thought I would look into it. I started reading it this morning and it is quite interesting. I'm not sure if I'm going to attempt it because I don't have all the facts but I will keep you updated.

I feel a little odd trying all of these "weight loss fads" because I truly still see myself as a skinny person. The truth is I have 25 extra pounds to lose and a wedding in less than a year so I should get my butt in gear. The book talks about a moment that you have to decide to do it, to finally go after what ever you have been thinking about doing. That is my issue, I can say I want to loose weight all day long but you put a plate of poutine in front of me and I'm going to eat it all. Also it wouldn't have to be just poutine, anything cheesy and delicious I'm in.

In other news, I had a job interview for a Rep position yesterday and I have another one tomorrow via Skype. I'm incredibly scared about having a full time job again but excited for a full time paycheck. I am going to prepare myself tomorrow morning and I really hope I get it but it puts a kink in my other job hunting plans. Should I keep applying for jobs? Should I just wait and see? Laziness tells me to wait, instinct tells me to not put all my eggs in one basket. Also if I end up getting a job at a restaurant do I want that more than a 9-5 job? If there is a possibility of working at the spa should I hold out for it? I have 3 places I think might hire me but no guarantees and no way of knowing when I will know.

100th Post!

Wow this is my 100th post, who knew I had so much to say? Probably everyone I know actually. My second week of being vegan is not going as well as last week. I'm really craving meat, cheese, everything that is delicious and bad for you. I know this is attributed to my PMS but it doesn't make it any easier. I have been eating a lot, not meat products, I have been sticking to my rules but eating too much for any sort of weight loss. I did go for a jog earlier this week and did some sit-ups but that is the extent of my exercise. So instead of filling my belly with veggies I have been filling it with crackers, chips, and bread

Enough complaining..

I'm hoping to get a call back from a new job tomorrow, I think they liked me in the interview I just hope they don't have a problem with me leaving for 12 days in like 2 weeks. I also went to an awesome irish pub today and chatted with the owner who was a sweet hart, I think she will hire me if this other place doesn't. She told me to follow up after June 1st so that is still a couple weeks away so that makes my purse strings tighter.

I am so ready to have control over my finances again, I want to be comfortable, be able to go to the mall and get some new clothes if I feel like it. I'm confident this will happen, good thoughts, good thoughts.

On a totally opposite note I'm trying to make tofu jerky tonight, wish me luck!

The Joy's of Womanhood

So I wrote the previous blog earlier today and along with my bad mood I couldn't stop eating all day and for the first time since starting the vegan diet had hard core cravings. I'm sitting in my living room this evening and all of a sudden it hits me, I'm going to start my period next week, damn you PMS and your steel like grip on my emotions, cravings and life in general.

I think the worse part is that even though I am 25 and have been experiencing this for 14 years now (yes I was an early bloomer) you would like I would recognize it better. But alas every month it is the same, I get cranky, then want to eat everything in sight and then have the big a- ha! moment, oh the joys of womanhood.

Just getting it out of my head

I'm feeling kind of disappointed in my new way of eating, I still like the food, love it actually and I am feeling good in the stomach department but I kind of assumed I would have lost more weight last week. I don't think I lost anything and it's frustrating. I know I'm looking for a quick fix, I know I should be working my butt off by exercising but I just want to feel good about the way I look. I know if I had enough money to by myself some new clothes I wouldn't be so obsessed with losing the extra weight I put on but since I have no money and extra weight I'm frustrated.

I have applied to a couple of different restaurants and haven't heard anything back from them, I will probably go today and apply for more because I am in dire need for some money. I have a good paycheck coming from Arbonne but not until next month and it will probably only pay my rent. I don't know if I should look for an office job a couple days a week, I'm scared I won't like it. I love my life right now, the only thing wrong with it is that I'm worried about money but other than that it's awesome. If only the restaurant I started working at wasn't awful and ended up bouncing cheques I could be still working there and be happy go lucky. I probably would have had my visa almost paid off by now if I had stayed. I wonder a lot if I made the right decision. Sanity wise yes, money wise maybe not.

I think more than anything I'm scared I'm becoming a burden on the people who love me, my parents loaned me money a while back, my fiancee pays for pretty much everything these days and I just don't like the way it makes me feel. I hope the restaurant I applied for on Monday works out for me. I hope a lot of things lately though.

Loving Eating Vegan

As you all know I am deciding to eat vegan for the next month. I always want to make it clear that I am eating vegan not becoming a vegan. I know that I will not be able to cut out meat completely and I will cheat every so often so I don't want to call myself a Vegan. I feel it will be too hypocritical to label myself a Vegan when I'm doing this for health reasons and not because I love animals, or the environment.

I am in love with my new eating habits! I feel amazing, my stomach hasn't hurt since I started, I haven't had any emergency bathroom trips, and the most amazing thing is I'm not as hungry as I thought I would be. Usually around 9, 10 or 11 I get hungry, the feeling of knowing I shouldn't eat but I want to more than being hungry. This feeling has been alluding me this week, it's awesome, the idea to eat is there but I am full or not craving as hard as I usually do. Either way I'm very happy about it, and because I eat mostly veggies I eat whenever I want.

I made a stew today; and I'm not a great cook I can bake but cooking has never been my strong point. The stew is so flavorful! Now the lentils aren't exactly fully cooked and the carrots are a little hard but the flavor is wonderful. I put it over rice and I couldn't finish it because I was full. That's another thing about eating vegan the full feeling isn't like your going to bust and feel awful it's like you are chalk full of goodness.

Now I'm not saying I haven't had struggles, we went to a friends house last night and M and D got pizza delivered and oh man it smelled good. But I took some crust and ate my rice, fortunately I had a bunch of veggies before I left so I was still full.

First vegan recipe a success, first 4 days a success, still very excited. :)

2nd Vegan Day

Today is my second day eating a vegan diet and I'm still excited about it. I felt really good at the end of the day yesterday and wasn't hungry around 11 like I usually am. Both of these things surprised me but it's given me a really good outlook on the new eating plan. I went to the grocery store today and got myself veggies, grains, fruits and some whole protein (quinoa). When I came home I made an amazing tasting shake with the Arbonne protein powder, fiber booster, flax seed, mixed berries and almond milk. I am really trying to concentrate on getting the correct vitamins and minerals in my diet, making sure I'm getting healthy fats and I'm not lacking anything.

I'm going to make some protein bars sometime this afternoon and this evening I am bar tending at an alumni event put on by my former university, it is a lobster boil and I won't be participating. That will be a little heart breaking but I will try to be strong.

On a side note we sent out our wedding invitations last night! The cruise is booked and this thing is really happening. I can't wait for sun, sand, poolside fun, oh it's going to be awesome!!

I'm going to give it a try

I made a random decision last night, one that had never crossed my mind but once it came to me it made a lot of sense. I decided for the next month I am going to eat a Vegan diet only. I came to this decision as I was watching one of my favorite vlogs, and usually she talks about stupid things, rants and other such topics but last night she was answering a viewer question about her diet. I was really shocked when she said she ate a vegan diet 6 out of 7 days of the week, I think I just never really took her seriously before. I always just thought of her as a funny girl to watch but she has a great body and I guess it makes sense that she works to keep it that way. What really caught my attention was she doesn't eat Vegan because of animals she does it because she feels physically better when she eats this way. As you all know I have always struggled with my stomach and even though I am now medication free my stomach has been bothering me a lot lately so I thought I would give it a try.

I did a little more research and saw that the first benefit of a Vegan diet is weight loss. This peaked my interested because I am getting married in a year and going wedding dress shopping in a month. I would like to look and feel good at my wedding, and in everyday life of course. So that is what sparked the idea and as hard as I think it will be I'm excited about the changes I hope to see and feel in my body. Hopefully I will use this blog as a place to vent my frustration since I am sure there will be a lot of it.

Low

As I posted last night I had an awful shift at the restaurant where I am employed, it made me just so sad. I basically cried myself to sleep and woke up today completely not over it. Along with feeling sadness about my shift I am equally, if not more; upset about the fact that it has effected me so much. I don't know why I am so effected by this, by a job that was supposed to be a way to help me get more contacts, supposed to be fun, not stressful. It's like I have such little self esteem and anything can come along and blow lightly at me and it shatters. I left work so fast, terrified that I would start crying. Why do I have such an ability to cry over anything? I shouldn't be worried about my stupid restaurant job, I have a great life.

It may be a culmination of things, I had a couple of business builders not work out this week and as hard as I have been working I have no sales. I don't think I will get a paycheck from Arbonne for this month and truthfully I'm beginning to wonder if I can even make it work. I'm having a low day, I'm going to quit tonight and deal with the consequences.

Vent

I am so angry right now that I want to scream, I just had an awful shift and I just want to know if I'm a horrible server. I worked my butt off for 9 hours and got awful tips, this is why the server wage doesn't work because people are mean and don't tip. I wish people would tell me when I do a bad job or what I could do differently instead of just not tip me and walk away. I do try

vulnerable

It's been an interesting couple of days, I have been doing a self improvement seminar online and I a actually used the tactics on a business builder this week and it worked! I met her, followed up, gave her a opportunity gift, had a business meeting and now have launch parties booked. Yay, double yay,  still have 4 other potential business partners and even if half of these leads work out I will be so far ahead of where I was it will be amazing. Even with just my new partner I am so far ahead, I just hope it works out.

Along with the interesting couple of days I have been living like I have money. Like I have no worries in the world and that I am a rich person. It's hard to do this business without being an impressive person, pretending that money doesn't matter and that everything is awesome. I love being that person but it takes a lot out of me. Eventually I want to step back and just be okay with being mediocre, it takes so much work to have it together all the time. I think that is what your support system is for, for being with you when you want to or need to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is the hardest part of being a person, opening yourself completely, letting everyone around you know that you don't have it all together. This had been one of the hardest parts of my journey being okay with not being okay. I never wanted people to know that I wasn't perfect, I always felt like I needed to put on a face so people wouldn't know how panicked I really was. I'm better at that, getting better at being not perfect at letting people know when I need a break. Arbonne is the one place I still struggle with not being perfect, maybe when I have all the time and money in the world I will be okay with it.

I am tired today, and glad to share it.

Getting used to the new and improved me but still looking for motivation

It's a strange thing to feel on top of things. strange to feel like I am living my life the way I want. I feel like I am finally being who I want to be. This is a whole new experience for me, as much as I want to pretend like this is all normal I know that living this way is going to be hard to get used to, living in a place where I don't question things, living my life in a way that I am able to speak my feelings and what I want in life. I am able to voice my opinion, to let people know what I feel but also am able to react to what they are feeling. It may be strange, but I think I love it.

Right now the only thing that really bothers me in my life is my weight, and even that doesn't bother me that much because I am doing nothing to fix it. I'm trying to find the motivation to loose the extra weight I have or find the motivation to eat healthier but I really have no pressing reason. I am currently medication free, the first time since I moved to Calgary. This in itself is a huge feat for me, being able to live my life normally without having to rely on medication is something I strive for so this in itself is awesome. I also have an amazing fiance who loves me and thinks I'm sexy, thinks I am beautiful. Thirdly I love food. All of these things lead to me not really wanting to loose weight. I don't have enough drive, enough motivation to get things moving. But I'm a little scared that's for sure, I'm scared I will let it get out of control, scared that I will wake up one day and be one of those fat people that I find repulsive. What is keeping me from becoming that? Will I change when I need to?

I can't decide if I don't loose weight because I don't want to or because I don't have the motivation. I can't decide if I eat because it tastes amazing or because I have an addiction. Truthfully I haven't been able to figure this out, I hope when I finally become fed up with my status I will make a change. I hope I can be strong enough.

The only real thing I worry about when it comes to weight loss is my wedding dress. A couple of years ago I was amazingly fit. I felt awesome in a bathing suit and wish I could go back to that. I know if I start going to a gym again it will be good for me. I just don't have the money and can't find the motivation. Why can't I take the memory of this awesome fitness and work it into my life?

There are a lot of questions in this post. If anyone wants to help with motivation I would greatly appreciate it. I know I am the only one who can motivate me but to fill that motivation cup to the brim I know people out there have advice.

The Path is Looking Bright

For my whole life I have been put on different medications, I have always had health problems and prescription medication has been a part of my life. For the first time in a long time I am medication free! whic for me is a little bit of a foreign concept. In January I stopped taking my stomach medication and on Monday I took the last of my antidepressants, and aside from a little bit of withdrawal I am feeling great mood-wise.

The withdrawal is very strange, it feels like electro shock running through my body in at different intervals. Like my whole body is being jolted over and over, it's extremely disorienting and makes me slightly sick to my stomach. The only thing that makes me feel better is eating, is anyone surprised? To me, eating makes everything better haha.

I am so pumped right now because I have 4 potential business partners in my Arbonne life right now. I have been just talking to a lot of new people and feel like things are coming together finally. All of these potentials are wonderful woman and completely different which is the amazing thing about this business. Along with the new potentials (I have to think of it that way or my hopes sky rocket) I have had a good week in sales, not amazing but I feel like I am leading from the front like all the experts say is what you should do. If you work your business, others will follow.

April is looking like a busy month for me, I do need to book a couple more personal parties (okay any personal products would be good) however it's not even April and I have only 11 free days! This is between Toque and Arbonne but it still means making money and lowering debt. Hopefully eventually it means saving money :)

I think my obsession with saving money for sure comes from my Dad, it feels good to me to save money, to have a stable future. I kind of love it :) I look forward to it again.

Epiphany

It has been an entire month since I last posted, I'm not sure why, I'm not sure if I was avoiding or if I just had nothing to say. I think I have been finding my footing this month, after my birthday the whole month seemed to fly by and my actions weren't exactly wonderful. It was like I was in a daze and didn't even realize it.

I went through a little bit of an epiphany in the last week which has led me to this post. On the weekend I got drunk; obnoxiously, sloppy, brattish drunk. I ended up falling flat on my face in my friend's bathroom resulting in a bloody nose and fat lip. I woke up the next day sore and embarrassed, I was ashamed at my behavior, I felt very low. Then a funny thing happened, I felt like a fire was lit under me, it was like the drive I have been missing had been literally smashed into me. I started feeling like doing things again. I started feeling the drive to do Arbonne, to be the best server I can be, to keep my house in order, to eat healthy. All of the things I felt I had no motivation to achieve suddenly rushed back into my life. I am so thankful to have it back.

It's weird that this awful experience could lead to something so good, my calendar is full for the next 2 weeks, I am paying off my debt as quickly as I can and I am feeling in control. I did 20 minute of cardio today, not a lot but better than nothing, I thought of doing it and I did it.

I am so desperate to hold onto this motivation I feel like I can see the white on my knuckles from clutching at it so hard. I am searching for the inner motivation to keep going, to grab onto all of the things I feel I want in my life. I know I have a problem with letting myself be happy, I know I punish myself when I fail in my own eyes, it is one of the biggest things I need to get over and it will take time. Finding the motivation has been a struggle for me but I feel like I am getting closer, I think that this journey I am on is much longer than I first thought, it doesn't need to be over so soon, I need to realize I will always be striving to make myself better. This is not a bad thing, self growth, failure, learning from your mistakes are all things necessary in life, they make life worth living.

Comfort

My blogging this month has been very staggered, I haven't been feeling the need to pour my anxiety into the written word as often as I used to I guess. Does this mean I am getting more mature in my life and learning how to talk about my problems or am I just living my life the way I want to so there is less conflict for me to deal with? I'm not sure which, and truthfully it is probably a combination of the both.

I guess being sick had also contributed to my not having anything to write about, when you spend most of your time sleeping its hard to come up with interesting things to think/write about. I have been sick for a while now, feeling awful and wanting to sleep all the time but today I woke up and felt like doing something. I cleaned the whole apartment, had good meals, and am now having a great (okay mediocre) glass of wine.

I've been getting ready to ramp up my Arbonne business since our training a couple of weekends ago and I'm very excited about it. I still haven't been doing my calls as I should be but tomorrow I have a meeting with a potential business partner who I have really high hopes for. I've been trying not to get my hopes up but that's kind of what I do.

I have been wanting to achieve balance in my life lately; I've been working on eating healthy, getting Arbonne going, working my shifts at the resturant, spending time with M, working on paying down my debt. I've been trying to make it so all of these things work together in my life without breaking down. I get scared I will take on too much and end up running from it all again.

I spend a lot of my time being scared, I am very scared of failing and even though everyone says if you don't try you fail anyway I have always been in the boat that if I don't try I can't fail. I know this is flawed, I know but it's comfortable for me.

I'm becoming more brave though, I've been working very hard at being brave, at pushing my limits at being okay with being scared. Even more than being brave, I'm working on knowing my truth, knowing myself and loving it. I am spending my birthday money on rent this month, and I'm okay with that. I realized that I choose to live my life in the way that I choose and if that means spending my birthday money on rent then it's worth it.

Rambling

I haven't posted in a while, not since I got drunk and spilled my heart out to a girl I knew in high school because of a sentimental picture on facebook. After my last post I sent it to the girl I was talking about and have now started a shaky dialogue with her about how things used to be and why things are the way they are now.

I guess I haven't had a lot to say, I tried writing my book for a while but I am not so good at putting my ideas onto paper. I have a grand idea, a concept that I think will be amazing but to actually form characters, plots, and the rise and fall of events is really hard. I have a lot of respect for writers and their ability to put themselves in their work.

I got a new job, am working towards getting my finances in control but I was sick this week. I spent 3 days doing nothing at all and now I have a sense of need to do. I feel like I have just been wasting my life and that I need it to have purpose again. It's funny how 3 days can change things, I hate waiting, and want things to get back on track so much faster than they are.

Wishes

Since I finished high school I have distanced myself from the people I once knew. I was made fun of in high school not only because young girls are mean but because I had no voice back then. After I left high school I spent a couple of summers making my way closer to my new university friends and farther away from those who I knew as a girl. I had always thought this a good decision, because of my hardships through school I thought that I was better off without those mean girls who made me feel so bad about myself. Even at one point in university I tried to reconnect, thinking they may have grown up from the people they used to be. Either they hadn't changed or I couldn't let go of the hurt they once gave to me but either way I couldn't be the person I used to be. I left that life a long time ago and have had little regrets since.

Now it has been 7 years since high school and as much as I thought I made the choice one of my past best friends is getting married tomorrow. I saw a picture on facebook of all of my old friends, together and so happy. Tomorrow is her wedding day and she was a good friend, I won't be there and I am sad over it. I am sad that things said in adolescence, things said by insecure young girls hurt me so much I couldn't put it behind me. Sad that I couldn't be the bigger person, couldn't forgive or forget any of the horrible things done to me in ignorance.

If I could I would tell this wonderful woman that I believe she deserves all the happiness in the world, and that I remember a time when she didn't have it. I remember when she was this amazing person that no one else could see and I am so happy she found love, found a person who lets her be the real her even if I don't know who that is anymore.

I feel the people you grow up with are the people who shape you into the person you want to be, or at the very least show you who you want to be.

Most of all I wish I could let it go, I wish I could change the way I feel, the way I was, the way things worked out. I wish I could see her tomorrow, because I know she will look stunning, wish I could be there. I wish the things that KJ did to me didn't make me hate them all so much. I wish I could have been stronger sooner.

I have found my prince, the person who makes me feel like everything is better even if it isn't and I so wish and hope that this is what she has with her new husband. No matter that we don't talk anymore, no matter that I probably never cross her mind; she helped create the person I am today. I so hope she is happy, from the bottom of my heart she deserves all the love and happiness in the world.

My NON-motivation

I have been trying to get healthy, trying to loose about 25 pounds to look good at M's corporate trip and in general feel better about myself. However, I'm at the point that I don't want to be healthy anymore. I don't want to eat right, I don't want to exercise. I feel like every 10 minutes of exercise I do I should get some sort of medal or something. I'm not even working that hard, I can't find the motivation. I try to make it so I eat well and exercise but I love junk food and I have a wonderful partner that thinks I'm sexy. I need to do this for me, I feel so much better (stomach wise) when I eat right but I hate the process of it. I don't want to go to the grocery store, everything is so hard. 

 I keep reading motivation tips about how if it was easy everyone would do it but I don't know how to push through. If things are going to get real I think I'm scared of people judging me. I'm scared because my mom has always told me that I shouldn't loose weight. that I am too skinny so I eat junk food. The thing is I'm scared people will look at me and think I have an eating disorder, or that I'm "one of those girls" who only eats like a rabbit, that is what was negative in my life. I was always supposed to be the skinny one, and that mental block is hard to get over.

 The truth is, I'm not healthy, my stomach is a mess most of the time, I get colds all the time basically my immune system is awful. I spent so much time over the last year and a half working on my mental health, working through my issues, learning about myself and what I want in life. I think it's time to work on my physical health and maybe I need a professional to kick my butt.

I don't know how to push through

The fast paced lifestyle doesn't suit me

I would like to start by stating that I am not a very spontaneous person, I never have been, I like to plan and to make sure I am fully prepared for everything and anything that could happen. After a couple of weeks of debate I decided to get a part time job, something to supplement my income while I sort out my Arbonne business. So yesterday I went to 2 restaurants in my neighborhood just inquiring about if they were hiring, I went back today to follow-up and ended up in an interview with the manager and owner. It went well and approximately 10 minutes after I got home they called me back and offered me the job. I have my first shift tomorrow, then Thursday and a staff meeting on Sunday. As an un-spontaneous person I am terrified, it's all happening so fast and what if I don't remember how to serve? They talked in the interview about possibly making me assistant manager at some point and that scares me too. I want this to be a side job, something to give me some cash flexibility in my life while Arbonne is getting going, I don't want this to become my primary income. I don't want to forget about Arbonne.

I know I should be happy, I became employed very quickly and will hopefully take home tips before the end of my shifts this week (though usually you don't get tips during training). I guess I just hope this is the right direction for me. I'm going to pick up a package of things, menu, paperwork that sort of stuff from the restaurant at 5 and then I think I will stop at the liquor store to get some wine. I need to celebrate my new job and be thankful to have some more money at my disposal.

Sickness

I babysat for a friend on the weekend and picked up a bug, just a cold but it sure is hitting me hard! I didn't get out of bed until 11:30 this morning and it took just about all of my energy to put my clothes on. I need to do some work for Arbonne today so I am trying to conserve my energy until these things are done. It's funny how much being sick just makes me want to sleep forever. I suppose it does that with other people too but I am quite a sulky person when I am sick. I want everyone to pay attention to me and bring me delicious food to eat. I think today I won't be able to get that because of the work I have to do but it may be time for me to be an adult and suck it up.

A change in the path

I have spent the month planting seeds with Arbonne and as much as I have been trying things are not going the way I want them to. They are going to be good for my business eventually but they will not provide me the money I need to support myself. I currently only have enough money to pay one more months rent and then I won't have any money left. This is not only disappointing because I have to go back to working for someone else but I am scared I won't be able to handle it. Scared I will get caught up in working another job and Arbonne will fall to the way side, scared I will never get to the point I want to in Arbonne.

I've become complacent over the last couple of days facing this decision. I feel nothing concerning the situation, I'm not sure if I'm numb or if I'm not letting myself feel anything regarding the situation. I think I  have just wanted Arbonne to work out so much for so long that I don't know how I let it fall through my fingers. I love the life I have created for myself and I want to hold onto it but I don't know how to do that.

Simple, but not easy

I went to see my counselor today, I have been seeing her for over a year now and I love her! I think of her more as a friend than a counselor and every so often a mom, or maybe an older sister. Either way she is a great part of my life and seeing her every 3 weeks had become a necessity. It's amazing to be able to just talk without fear of judgement, no repercussions, just being able to bare your soul safely is wonderful in itself. Having her be able to also have insight into why I am the way I am is an added bonus.

She knows me pretty well and she usually gives me "homework" at the end of our sessions, something to keep in mind until we meet again. They are usually things like knowing my truth, knowing how to pay attention to what I want in my life, things like that. Today she gave me a serious challenge, she said for 3 weeks I have to banish my negative self talk, no beating myself up, no putting myself down, no I should have done this or that. It is said it take 3 weeks to form a habit, and as F said I will never be able to get rid of the negative self talk but if I try for 3 weeks it won't hurt. The catch is every time I slip I have to start the 3 weeks over again. I am going to try my hardest with this because it can only bring good things.

I have been struggling with eating well and exercising, struggling with balance in my life and getting down on myself because of this struggle. F pointed out today that the things I am struggling with are the things everyone struggles with, we as humans are not good at doing them consistently. I have a need to be perfect, standards that no one could live up to. I need to remind myself that if I struggle it's okay.

The other part of my life I'm having problems balancing is Arbonne, I am out of my warm market and need to find new customers. I'm scared to spend money but need to meet new people. I have been considering getting a new job, something to take the stress off financially. I'm not sure yet if I will but it is more of an option than it was a month ago. Arbonne is something that takes time, something that needs to mature before it gives me what I want. I am starting to accept that. Before I get another job I am going to take a yoga class, try and meet some new people and hopefully get some new contacts. If I don't get new contacts at least I will get some great exercise out of it. F always makes me feel like I'm in control, like things are so crystal clear, so simple. Not easy but simple, kind of like Arbonne.

No Eating = No Fun

I have written before about the struggle I have with my stomach, and as a part of this I have to have certain procedures every once in a while. Tomorrow I have to have a colonoscopy (4 and counting unfortunately) and the procedure itself is a breeze but the day before the procedure is torture. Starting at 7:00 in the morning I have to drink this weird rotten orange tasting chemical that causes me to be "cleaned out". This stuff not only tastes bad but when you mix it with water it turns hot! Then I have to wait until it is cooled to drink it. Along with having to drink this weird mixture I'm not allowed to eat, I can only have clear liquids though with my aversion to sugar I really have nothing except chicken broth to drink (and it only has 20 calories in each serving).

At 2:00 I get another dose of orange chemical and by now the hunger is making me a bad person. I'm cranky and want to eat but I have so many more hours in the day! I could never be anorexic.

New Year New Me?

In my last post I talked about how much I have changed in the last year. How much I have grown into a surprisingly vocal person with a large passion for life. I have now made it to 2012 and am taking a look at what I want to improve upon this year.

For starters I would like to be in a financially different place at the end of the year. I am currently struggling for money but I am following my dreams so I can deal for a little while. I would like to end the year in a much better financial position and the only way to do that is through activity. I got up this morning, got dressed and was ready to start my day. Both my fiancée and roommate exclaimed in surprise to see me dressed before noon which is hilarious but probably something I need to change. One of my goals is to get up and ready for the day. Even if I'm not leaving the house I need to be focused if I'm going to make this work.

My second focus is my health, I have struggled for a long time with my stomach problems and because of that never really focus on eating healthy. I tend to focus on whatever makes my stomach not hurt. I am trying to turn that around. I have started Arbonne's 30 days to feeling fit program which includes a regime of vitamin/ mineral shakes, daily power packs, and healthy whole foods. I want to be healthier it is the bottom line, however a little weight loss is also necessary. I usually don't pay attention to my weight, I never really had to though throughout December I noticed a little more love handles to grab, my boobs no longer fit into my bras and my jeans no longer fit. So I got on the scale and was SHOCKED, I weigh more than I ever have. Not just a little bit more like almost at the max I ever thought I would weigh. So I was shaken and decided its time to step up, time to be responsible for my eating habits and hopefully through eating better I will not only weigh less but see improvements in my stomach pain too.

So I want to eat better, but I still have no desire to exercise, I have an aversion to it. I don't like it at all and I want to get in shape but I don't want to exercise. I don't know how to change my mind set in this. I need help with this. I'm hoping it will just develop, fingers crossed.

Bottom line I want to take it one day at a time, live in the moment and not dwell on what has happened. If I take a day off do not focus on that, focus on the new day and taking my life to a new level. I need to remember to take time to enjoy this wonderful life I have.