Comfort

My blogging this month has been very staggered, I haven't been feeling the need to pour my anxiety into the written word as often as I used to I guess. Does this mean I am getting more mature in my life and learning how to talk about my problems or am I just living my life the way I want to so there is less conflict for me to deal with? I'm not sure which, and truthfully it is probably a combination of the both.

I guess being sick had also contributed to my not having anything to write about, when you spend most of your time sleeping its hard to come up with interesting things to think/write about. I have been sick for a while now, feeling awful and wanting to sleep all the time but today I woke up and felt like doing something. I cleaned the whole apartment, had good meals, and am now having a great (okay mediocre) glass of wine.

I've been getting ready to ramp up my Arbonne business since our training a couple of weekends ago and I'm very excited about it. I still haven't been doing my calls as I should be but tomorrow I have a meeting with a potential business partner who I have really high hopes for. I've been trying not to get my hopes up but that's kind of what I do.

I have been wanting to achieve balance in my life lately; I've been working on eating healthy, getting Arbonne going, working my shifts at the resturant, spending time with M, working on paying down my debt. I've been trying to make it so all of these things work together in my life without breaking down. I get scared I will take on too much and end up running from it all again.

I spend a lot of my time being scared, I am very scared of failing and even though everyone says if you don't try you fail anyway I have always been in the boat that if I don't try I can't fail. I know this is flawed, I know but it's comfortable for me.

I'm becoming more brave though, I've been working very hard at being brave, at pushing my limits at being okay with being scared. Even more than being brave, I'm working on knowing my truth, knowing myself and loving it. I am spending my birthday money on rent this month, and I'm okay with that. I realized that I choose to live my life in the way that I choose and if that means spending my birthday money on rent then it's worth it.