Epiphany

It has been an entire month since I last posted, I'm not sure why, I'm not sure if I was avoiding or if I just had nothing to say. I think I have been finding my footing this month, after my birthday the whole month seemed to fly by and my actions weren't exactly wonderful. It was like I was in a daze and didn't even realize it.

I went through a little bit of an epiphany in the last week which has led me to this post. On the weekend I got drunk; obnoxiously, sloppy, brattish drunk. I ended up falling flat on my face in my friend's bathroom resulting in a bloody nose and fat lip. I woke up the next day sore and embarrassed, I was ashamed at my behavior, I felt very low. Then a funny thing happened, I felt like a fire was lit under me, it was like the drive I have been missing had been literally smashed into me. I started feeling like doing things again. I started feeling the drive to do Arbonne, to be the best server I can be, to keep my house in order, to eat healthy. All of the things I felt I had no motivation to achieve suddenly rushed back into my life. I am so thankful to have it back.

It's weird that this awful experience could lead to something so good, my calendar is full for the next 2 weeks, I am paying off my debt as quickly as I can and I am feeling in control. I did 20 minute of cardio today, not a lot but better than nothing, I thought of doing it and I did it.

I am so desperate to hold onto this motivation I feel like I can see the white on my knuckles from clutching at it so hard. I am searching for the inner motivation to keep going, to grab onto all of the things I feel I want in my life. I know I have a problem with letting myself be happy, I know I punish myself when I fail in my own eyes, it is one of the biggest things I need to get over and it will take time. Finding the motivation has been a struggle for me but I feel like I am getting closer, I think that this journey I am on is much longer than I first thought, it doesn't need to be over so soon, I need to realize I will always be striving to make myself better. This is not a bad thing, self growth, failure, learning from your mistakes are all things necessary in life, they make life worth living.