At our staff meeting at work today my boss explained that there is a new position starting in my clinic, a customer service manager. The description of the new job sounds right up my ally, organization, control over basically all the clinic and getting to spend time with patients. So I came home and made a proposal to give to my boss, this is what I think the job should look like and this is why I think I would be good at it. There are a couple downsides to the job, one I will be giving up my freedom of being able to do a different job everyday of the week, two I will basically be throwing away the training I did for the OR, and three I am kind of scared my co-workers won't like me so much if I become someone who tells them what to do. But come to think of it I tell them what to do now and they don't hate me... I just don't have any authority now. Good parts of the job hopefully include a raise, me being able to have more control over my work environment and being able to set goals and achieve them.
I am a little torn about applying though, I think it is because I applied to another position in my clinic when i was first working there and the application process was long and tedious. Actually everything that involves head office is long and tedious, but I think that is true for all work places.
So tomorrow I will send this to my boss and ask her to meet with me after work. I want to say this is what I want to position to be and this is how much money I want you to pay me. I know I can do the job well I just have to convince her of that. I don't think I will take the job without the raise, too much stress involved for no extra money. As much as I don't want to seem greedy I have a car payment and I want to be paid more for what I do.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Anxiety
As a person who has always tired to please others and always tried to avoid conflict I have experienced a lot of anxiety in my life. I think I have become so use to the anxiety that to not feel anxious makes me... well... anxious.
I think that the world that I was raised in, with TV shows like Grey's Anatomy, ER and even Friends has fostered a sense of "things should always be happening to you". Even with the break out of reality TV shows; Big Brother, The Hills, and (the low point in modern TV) Jersey Shore, our society has been shown that people are always doing something. This usually turns into yelling at each other about nothing. Now why would I want to spend my life yelling at people about nothing? Well because when you are going through something in your life you feel important, trying to survive something makes it seem like life is worth living. When did surviving life become more important than being happy? If I think about the things that make me feel happy in my life are simple things; reading a good book, spending time with my boyfriend and friends, eating at a nice new restaurant, a good glass of wine. Simple, kind, pleasant things. Now this is me being rational, thinking about my life with a clear head being able to say yes I like my life in its simplicity.
Throw rationality out the door and enter the things that throw life off balance; hormones, emotions and the unavoidable pressure of "normal". It's harder to love your life and be content with everything when you have life to deal with.
I love being a woman, I would hate to be a man (having to deal with a penis seems so strange to me) but sometimes I just feel like I am going to explode with all of the emotions I feel at one time. Emotions make it hard for me to function sometimes, like last night I was driving and truthfully I find it very hard to see in the dark so driving in the dark always makes me anxious. Secondly I was driving to a place that I don't know and relying on someone else for directions. All of these things build up inside of me by the end of the drive I was almost in tears. I literally had to take a time out when I got home (like actually laid alone on my couch for a couple of minutes taking deep breaths to calm myself down)
Saying it out like that, explaining my anxiety, always makes me feel like a crazy person, makes me feel like someone will tell me that I'm not normal. It comes back to the question of what is normal? Does everyone feel this way?
I think that the world that I was raised in, with TV shows like Grey's Anatomy, ER and even Friends has fostered a sense of "things should always be happening to you". Even with the break out of reality TV shows; Big Brother, The Hills, and (the low point in modern TV) Jersey Shore, our society has been shown that people are always doing something. This usually turns into yelling at each other about nothing. Now why would I want to spend my life yelling at people about nothing? Well because when you are going through something in your life you feel important, trying to survive something makes it seem like life is worth living. When did surviving life become more important than being happy? If I think about the things that make me feel happy in my life are simple things; reading a good book, spending time with my boyfriend and friends, eating at a nice new restaurant, a good glass of wine. Simple, kind, pleasant things. Now this is me being rational, thinking about my life with a clear head being able to say yes I like my life in its simplicity.
Throw rationality out the door and enter the things that throw life off balance; hormones, emotions and the unavoidable pressure of "normal". It's harder to love your life and be content with everything when you have life to deal with.
I love being a woman, I would hate to be a man (having to deal with a penis seems so strange to me) but sometimes I just feel like I am going to explode with all of the emotions I feel at one time. Emotions make it hard for me to function sometimes, like last night I was driving and truthfully I find it very hard to see in the dark so driving in the dark always makes me anxious. Secondly I was driving to a place that I don't know and relying on someone else for directions. All of these things build up inside of me by the end of the drive I was almost in tears. I literally had to take a time out when I got home (like actually laid alone on my couch for a couple of minutes taking deep breaths to calm myself down)
Saying it out like that, explaining my anxiety, always makes me feel like a crazy person, makes me feel like someone will tell me that I'm not normal. It comes back to the question of what is normal? Does everyone feel this way?
The Drowsy Chaperone
Theatre Calgary was visited on Wednesday by myself, my sister and my boyfriend. We were excited about a night out and were completely surprised by the amazing showing of the Drowsy Chaperone! It was a delightful 1920's musical with (as claimed in the program) only a weak story-line to connect the amazing musical numbers together. Along with the talented cast who I thought was just spectacular in their singing and dancing abilities there was a wonderful twist to the corny 1920's musical. The Man in the Chair was our tour guide to the play, letting us see the wonders of the classic play but also pointing out when it was just being ridiculous. It was the perfect combination of cynicism and carefree delight in musical theatre. I laughed so hard at points and though the theatre was quite warm it couldn't take away from the play. I am crazy about this play and think everyone should go see it if they enjoy musical theatre.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Snowboarding Experiment
It was my first time snowboarding this weekend, I had a lot of confidence going in (because I picked up skiing quite easily) and was pretty sure that it would be a breeze. I was VERY WRONG. Something about having to move your legs independently from each other even though they are strapped together to one board is not something I was able to wrap my head around. Also the first time I fell, and I use the term "fell" loosely since what I actually did was smash my butt into the ground at a high speed, I was convinced I had broken my tail bone and almost cried. I did not cry though, I kept going and spent the rest of the lesson attempting to avoid that pain again.
The snowboarding lesson we took was an hour and a half and I was not impressed by it at all. Maybe I was just too much of a beginner to make any progress but I felt like I didn't learn anything at all. I felt the instructor was telling us basics, asking us to do them and then moving on to the next step without making sure we mastered the first. I left the lesson not evening sure of how to turn. After the lesson when we moved to the actual hill I felt very scared to even go down the hill (I feared for my already throbbing tailbone) we did one run and another half run where I actually ended up crawling off the hill and walking the rest of the way down. Writing about it now (3 days later) actually makes me feel like sort of a baby, but since I still have to sit down gingerly I am not exaggerating the pain. I'm thinking some more lessons are in the cards for sure. I am tempted to go back to skiing, it is much easier and less painful by far, and I really have no competitive sprit that makes me want to conquer snow boarding, but there is a little voice in my head telling me not to quit. The question is, is the voice me or my parents?
The weekend brought up some hard but expected shoulds, things that I felt I had to do or should be doing. I fell back into the pattern of thinking about what other people wanted to do instead of thinking about myself. I had such a good weekend spending time with long lost family but it was just a little bit of an internal struggle at times. This is why I find it such a struggle, I had an amazing weekend, though paid more attention to my families needs as opposed to my own, why do I do it? They don't ask it of me so why do I feel I should? The worst part is right now I don't feel like it is a big deal but if I continue to put others needs ahead of mine I eventually have a meltdown and need like 3 days to myself to re-coop. I find it hard to stay in the mind set of putting myself first, that is what I have been trying to do. I call it selfishness but my counsellor says its not.... I'm not sure that I believe her. I think that in itself shows I have a long road ahead of me in this search.
One completely amazing outcome of the weekend was the idea for a new hobby, we took a drive to look at the amazing mountain scenery and I thought wouldn't it be amazing to hike through this beautiful landscape in the warm sun? This is the first time I have ever thought of Hiking as something fun and not something forced, and in the same thought camping came to mind. So I went to MEC today looking at all of the new and exciting camping equipment, along with looking at the hiking gear, scouting it out for when it is not winter and when I can spend my weekends in the beautiful mountains. Sometimes I cannot fathom how I lived the first 22 years of my life not really knowing about the mountains. Knowing they exist but not how amazingly stunning they really are.
The snowboarding lesson we took was an hour and a half and I was not impressed by it at all. Maybe I was just too much of a beginner to make any progress but I felt like I didn't learn anything at all. I felt the instructor was telling us basics, asking us to do them and then moving on to the next step without making sure we mastered the first. I left the lesson not evening sure of how to turn. After the lesson when we moved to the actual hill I felt very scared to even go down the hill (I feared for my already throbbing tailbone) we did one run and another half run where I actually ended up crawling off the hill and walking the rest of the way down. Writing about it now (3 days later) actually makes me feel like sort of a baby, but since I still have to sit down gingerly I am not exaggerating the pain. I'm thinking some more lessons are in the cards for sure. I am tempted to go back to skiing, it is much easier and less painful by far, and I really have no competitive sprit that makes me want to conquer snow boarding, but there is a little voice in my head telling me not to quit. The question is, is the voice me or my parents?
The weekend brought up some hard but expected shoulds, things that I felt I had to do or should be doing. I fell back into the pattern of thinking about what other people wanted to do instead of thinking about myself. I had such a good weekend spending time with long lost family but it was just a little bit of an internal struggle at times. This is why I find it such a struggle, I had an amazing weekend, though paid more attention to my families needs as opposed to my own, why do I do it? They don't ask it of me so why do I feel I should? The worst part is right now I don't feel like it is a big deal but if I continue to put others needs ahead of mine I eventually have a meltdown and need like 3 days to myself to re-coop. I find it hard to stay in the mind set of putting myself first, that is what I have been trying to do. I call it selfishness but my counsellor says its not.... I'm not sure that I believe her. I think that in itself shows I have a long road ahead of me in this search.
One completely amazing outcome of the weekend was the idea for a new hobby, we took a drive to look at the amazing mountain scenery and I thought wouldn't it be amazing to hike through this beautiful landscape in the warm sun? This is the first time I have ever thought of Hiking as something fun and not something forced, and in the same thought camping came to mind. So I went to MEC today looking at all of the new and exciting camping equipment, along with looking at the hiking gear, scouting it out for when it is not winter and when I can spend my weekends in the beautiful mountains. Sometimes I cannot fathom how I lived the first 22 years of my life not really knowing about the mountains. Knowing they exist but not how amazingly stunning they really are.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Family Weekend!
I am so excited about this weekend! My sister is coming all the way from the other side of the country, my might as well be my brother is coming from a couple cities over and we are going to try something that; as the East Coasters we are, didn't get a chance to do growing up. We are going to learn how to snow board/ski!
We are going to spend the weekend in a condo with old family and new friends. My old world and new world is coming together into a nice little package. I am so excited about the possibility of learning new things. Everyone has been telling me how hard snowboarding is going to be be, and I don't know if I have a false sense of security because I picked up skiing quickly (or so I was told). But I feel like I'm going to do well, either way you may be laughing at me come Monday night when I can't move or have a couple broken bones.
Weekends like this are what I like to do, yes that's right I am making a statement about something I like. I have gone on two other trips like these in university and I love spending time with my friends, low key, board games and catching up.
I'm hoping this weekend, and the rest of the visit with my sis will be everything I want it to be for me and for her. Times have been a little hard since I moved across the country, I feel a disconnect that I have never felt before. Its time for some long over due connection...
We are going to spend the weekend in a condo with old family and new friends. My old world and new world is coming together into a nice little package. I am so excited about the possibility of learning new things. Everyone has been telling me how hard snowboarding is going to be be, and I don't know if I have a false sense of security because I picked up skiing quickly (or so I was told). But I feel like I'm going to do well, either way you may be laughing at me come Monday night when I can't move or have a couple broken bones.
Weekends like this are what I like to do, yes that's right I am making a statement about something I like. I have gone on two other trips like these in university and I love spending time with my friends, low key, board games and catching up.
I'm hoping this weekend, and the rest of the visit with my sis will be everything I want it to be for me and for her. Times have been a little hard since I moved across the country, I feel a disconnect that I have never felt before. Its time for some long over due connection...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Chatter
As I have stated before I am trying to find a world where I am focased on wants and needs as opposed to Shoulds; the notion of only doing what you want in life seems so simple but is so undeniably hard.
This seems likes such a simple concept, doing only what I want or need and I have the drive, have the initial push to do this but what stops me is Chatter. When I am thinking about doing something my mind races, pushing me to think about my choices with such depth that by the end of the investigation into why I am doing it and all the other things I need to do I end up doing nothing. Now that sounds ridiculous, what type of grown woman can't go to yoga when she wants to? Well the yoga class will take an hour, and getting there will take a good 15 minutes on either side, plus getting ready so overall 2 hours, and I want to make sure that I have a good 2 hours before I go to bed to relax (because yoga is??) and then what about making supper, and I should probably clean the house a bit, yes I will clean the house instead. That wonderful idea that would have given my body and mind a well deserved rest gets pushed out the window, and I end up reading my book all night.
Seems crazy? Yes I agree, and with all the talk about chatter in my head I would like to put a disclaimer up that I am not crazy, it is only my voice rambling in my head, not anyone else's.
?
This seems likes such a simple concept, doing only what I want or need and I have the drive, have the initial push to do this but what stops me is Chatter. When I am thinking about doing something my mind races, pushing me to think about my choices with such depth that by the end of the investigation into why I am doing it and all the other things I need to do I end up doing nothing. Now that sounds ridiculous, what type of grown woman can't go to yoga when she wants to? Well the yoga class will take an hour, and getting there will take a good 15 minutes on either side, plus getting ready so overall 2 hours, and I want to make sure that I have a good 2 hours before I go to bed to relax (because yoga is??) and then what about making supper, and I should probably clean the house a bit, yes I will clean the house instead. That wonderful idea that would have given my body and mind a well deserved rest gets pushed out the window, and I end up reading my book all night.
Seems crazy? Yes I agree, and with all the talk about chatter in my head I would like to put a disclaimer up that I am not crazy, it is only my voice rambling in my head, not anyone else's.
?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Should
Should has been a large part of my life, I should curl, I should get good grades, I should go to university, I should tell the truth, I should try and please people, I should be polite, I should entertain, I should be a wife, I should be a mother, should should should. The more you say it the more it becomes meaningless. (Yes that is true with all words but you get the point). I think the part that bothers me more than the shoulds that my parents, society; and if I'm being honest my own self, forced on me my whole life have been such a large part of my life is the fact that I didn't question them. Not until I was 21 years old and living away from home in the small town of Antigonish did I start to wonder why I should.
Even when I started to question the shoulds, I didn't do anything about it, I actually ran from that little voice in my head that was questioning everything I had every been brought up to believe. I was brought up not to question, my mind was convinced that my parents did the best job anyone could have asked for in raising me. I was scared, much to scared to question. I'm not saying I was or am a lonely sad person, I shoved down all doubts and put on a brave face for the people in my life, I was brought up to avoid conflict and avoiding conflict with myself is what I am best at.
All of the Shoulds in my life brought me to avoid conflict, do what I was told at all times, which lead to me, not knowing me. I'm only just starting to figure me out.
Even when I started to question the shoulds, I didn't do anything about it, I actually ran from that little voice in my head that was questioning everything I had every been brought up to believe. I was brought up not to question, my mind was convinced that my parents did the best job anyone could have asked for in raising me. I was scared, much to scared to question. I'm not saying I was or am a lonely sad person, I shoved down all doubts and put on a brave face for the people in my life, I was brought up to avoid conflict and avoiding conflict with myself is what I am best at.
All of the Shoulds in my life brought me to avoid conflict, do what I was told at all times, which lead to me, not knowing me. I'm only just starting to figure me out.
Taking a Step Off the Deep End
Normal..
It has been a large part of my life to be what other people think I should be, to be the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, to be what everyone wanted me to be, to be normal.
What is normal? What society has decided for us? What the media and our parents have decided for us? What the Cool Kids have decided for us? I have always tried to be normal, being normal is easy.... until it isn't.
So I am taking a leap of faith, stepping off into the deep end, finally showing people who I am...
I hope I can be entertaining, I hope you will read and learn, and I hope maybe I will inspire someone to throw normal out the window, and just be you
It has been a large part of my life to be what other people think I should be, to be the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, to be what everyone wanted me to be, to be normal.
What is normal? What society has decided for us? What the media and our parents have decided for us? What the Cool Kids have decided for us? I have always tried to be normal, being normal is easy.... until it isn't.
So I am taking a leap of faith, stepping off into the deep end, finally showing people who I am...
I hope I can be entertaining, I hope you will read and learn, and I hope maybe I will inspire someone to throw normal out the window, and just be you
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