I can't sleep, and when I can't sleep I get mad because I will be super tired at work tomorrow and probably feel sick and my whole day will be ruined. This thought alone keeps me awake worrying about my ruined day when really if I just fell asleep everything would be fine.
I have so much on my mind, I'm excited about jump starting my business this weekend at the heritage festival, meeting new people and working on talking to strangers about Arbonne instead of my friends. I have a party booked for late August, a drop out and an order pending. I can't stop thinking about the people in my life who I think would be perfect for this job. I want to be able to share this experience with someone and truthfully I want to start making more money.
I can see this opportunity working for so many people in so many ways. It just makes sense in my mind I want to talk about it all the time. I'm trying not to annoy my friends too much with it but I believe in it so much. I want people to love it as much as I do.
I signed up for the training session in September today and realized its on a Thursday, Friday and Saturday so I guess I'm going to be asking for that time off of at work tomorrow. My work may turn a little crazy in the next month or so because my boss is leaving. She is finding it too hard to raise her child at the same time as working so she is leaving the company. I feel this will add stress to my job so if I'm not thinking about Arbonne I'm thinking about that.
Along with my own thoughts crowding my head, my boyfriend has started writing a book. I am so excited to see him excited about something and the story is just incredible. I can't wait to see the story grow, develop and am so happy that he has found something that gives him that smile he's been missing. I am just blown away by the concepts that come out of his mind and love that he values my opinion to help his creative process.
So many things, so much to do and I sometimes want to run and hide from everything. I find Arbonne stressful because I don't have any real goals yet (other than have it be a full time career). I am scared to make goals because I am scared to fail. I am currently judging my success based on their goals which is not good. I need to find a balance of doing Arbonne and not feeling guilty when I take a break. My overall, super broad goal of course is happiness. Do what makes me happy, even staying up and having some alone time makes me happy (though I fear I will pay for it tomorrow).
When I went to the Arbonne training they got us to write down our passion, to form our vision of why we do this, why Arbonne. I could come up with so many things but it really came down to me deciding my fate. Me deciding what I was going to do and when, not having to listen to anyone else. (I guess the boys in university who didn't like authority kind of rubbed off on me.)
My sister got me a picture for Christmas that says "Live what you Love", a couple of months ago I had no idea what I loved. I have a better idea now and I think Arbonne is one of those things. I need (want) to nurture it and make it grow to keep it in my life.
So many random thoughts swimming around in my head, no wonder I can't sleep, welcome to the chatter everyone. Hope you enjoyed.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fight, Hope, Live
I was reading my beautiful friend A's blog today and she was talking about tattoos. Discussing the one that she wants and why it means so much to her. It got me thinking about the tattoo I have been thinking about getting since my second year in university.
The tattoo idea came from a girl I met in first year university. She was amazing, one of the most wonderful and different people I have ever met. I lived next door to her in residence and she introduced me to a new world when I met her. It wasn't like she was selfless or a saint or anything. She loved to drink, go out to the bar, gossip, talk about boys, talk about girls. She was a regular 20 year old girl who had just moved away from her parents for the first time. As much as she was an average girl she also had something, something that made people love her so much. She was intoxicating, she had a passion for life that was undeniable, she danced like the devil (in a good way) and sang like an angel. She would do anything for a friend and loved to tell stories, to anyone who would listen. I could go on and on about how amazing she was in every way and I could also tell you about what pissed me off about her because she wasn't a perfect person but she loved life and made me love it.
We were walking home from the hip hop dance class I was taking (she was teaching) one day when J turned to me and said "my cancer is back, I know, I can feel the tumor and I'm scared to go to the doctor because I don't want them to confirm it". This stunned me, one because she was the bravest person I knew at the time, and two because at that moment I knew I would lose her. We walked home in silence holding hands because I didn't want to comfort her with empty words and she wanted to ignore her cancer for a little while longer.
This was the second time J had cancer, when J was 12 she was diagnosed with a ridiculously rare type of cancer, she fought and she won. When 1st year came around she went back to the doctor and they confirmed her fear. I spent the next 2 years driving back and forth to the hospital in Halifax on the weekends and worrying during the week. It was an experience that changed my life, made me grow up and truly showed me the amazing person she was. Every time I walked into that hospital room she was smiling, ready to entertain and always up for anything, even though I knew she was in pain.
I saw so many aspects of this illness and how it effects everyone differently, her dad who never gave up hope (they ended up taking her to the US and she lived for 1 year 1/2 more than her original diagnosis). I saw her mom lose her will to do anything but be with her daughter (at the expense of her other children) and I saw her always enjoying the moment always remembering to live.
When I think of J I think of living, of doing only what you want and not caring what people think. Of being proud of your strengths, your talents and being eager to share them with the world. She taught me it is okay to buy yourself things, and pamper yourself. She showed me how to live.
After she died I kept thinking of the tattoo; Fight, Hope, Live, things she did so well. I miss her terribly and I think it's time the tattoo makes it to my body. Thanks A for the encouragement.
The tattoo idea came from a girl I met in first year university. She was amazing, one of the most wonderful and different people I have ever met. I lived next door to her in residence and she introduced me to a new world when I met her. It wasn't like she was selfless or a saint or anything. She loved to drink, go out to the bar, gossip, talk about boys, talk about girls. She was a regular 20 year old girl who had just moved away from her parents for the first time. As much as she was an average girl she also had something, something that made people love her so much. She was intoxicating, she had a passion for life that was undeniable, she danced like the devil (in a good way) and sang like an angel. She would do anything for a friend and loved to tell stories, to anyone who would listen. I could go on and on about how amazing she was in every way and I could also tell you about what pissed me off about her because she wasn't a perfect person but she loved life and made me love it.
We were walking home from the hip hop dance class I was taking (she was teaching) one day when J turned to me and said "my cancer is back, I know, I can feel the tumor and I'm scared to go to the doctor because I don't want them to confirm it". This stunned me, one because she was the bravest person I knew at the time, and two because at that moment I knew I would lose her. We walked home in silence holding hands because I didn't want to comfort her with empty words and she wanted to ignore her cancer for a little while longer.
This was the second time J had cancer, when J was 12 she was diagnosed with a ridiculously rare type of cancer, she fought and she won. When 1st year came around she went back to the doctor and they confirmed her fear. I spent the next 2 years driving back and forth to the hospital in Halifax on the weekends and worrying during the week. It was an experience that changed my life, made me grow up and truly showed me the amazing person she was. Every time I walked into that hospital room she was smiling, ready to entertain and always up for anything, even though I knew she was in pain.
I saw so many aspects of this illness and how it effects everyone differently, her dad who never gave up hope (they ended up taking her to the US and she lived for 1 year 1/2 more than her original diagnosis). I saw her mom lose her will to do anything but be with her daughter (at the expense of her other children) and I saw her always enjoying the moment always remembering to live.
When I think of J I think of living, of doing only what you want and not caring what people think. Of being proud of your strengths, your talents and being eager to share them with the world. She taught me it is okay to buy yourself things, and pamper yourself. She showed me how to live.
After she died I kept thinking of the tattoo; Fight, Hope, Live, things she did so well. I miss her terribly and I think it's time the tattoo makes it to my body. Thanks A for the encouragement.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Stress
I have been having a bad week, I spent the weekend doing things I didn't really want to do and ended up really tired for Monday morning. This put me in a bad mood for Monday and my week has just sort of spiraled from there.
I'm at a stand still with Arbonne, having no more parties to put on and unsure of how to go about getting more. I am not only scared to hear no, but scared of the potential loss hearing no comes with. I am not confident yet in the fact that I will be able to find more clients, which doesn't make sense because the product I sell is good and will sell itself. I'm just full of self doubt, it comes with the over tiredness.
Along with my Arbonne fears I am having conflicting feelings about my day job. I thought it was going to be something I could just go and do and get paid for. This is proving to be more difficult than first imagined, I don't have any drive to do a good job because I see no real value in the job itself. This makes it hard to do a good job. No one watches what I do, no one gets mad at me when I don't do it right, I can mess up and it seems like no one cares. So this is the first side of the coin, not caring and doing a mediocre job.
But it turns out that I hate this, I hate not getting fulfillment out of my job, I hate that it means nothing to me. I have been thinking about Lasik so much lately and how much fun I had going there everyday, how much it meant to me to see how I changed peoples lives. I miss that, I miss knowing I helped someone with something that means everything to them.
I want to excel in my life, I want to prove myself and make a comfortable living. I'm not sure why I'm thinking so much this week or why everything seems to make me sink into the depths of my brain and heart. I feel myself sinking and I'm grasping to figure out why I feel the way I do.
I am very grateful that tomorrow is Friday, I'm hoping to relax all weekend and start fresh on Monday. I want to stop feeling this way, i want to be happy and excited again, I hate feeling sad for no reason and creating problems in my head.
Not a good week
I'm at a stand still with Arbonne, having no more parties to put on and unsure of how to go about getting more. I am not only scared to hear no, but scared of the potential loss hearing no comes with. I am not confident yet in the fact that I will be able to find more clients, which doesn't make sense because the product I sell is good and will sell itself. I'm just full of self doubt, it comes with the over tiredness.
Along with my Arbonne fears I am having conflicting feelings about my day job. I thought it was going to be something I could just go and do and get paid for. This is proving to be more difficult than first imagined, I don't have any drive to do a good job because I see no real value in the job itself. This makes it hard to do a good job. No one watches what I do, no one gets mad at me when I don't do it right, I can mess up and it seems like no one cares. So this is the first side of the coin, not caring and doing a mediocre job.
But it turns out that I hate this, I hate not getting fulfillment out of my job, I hate that it means nothing to me. I have been thinking about Lasik so much lately and how much fun I had going there everyday, how much it meant to me to see how I changed peoples lives. I miss that, I miss knowing I helped someone with something that means everything to them.
I want to excel in my life, I want to prove myself and make a comfortable living. I'm not sure why I'm thinking so much this week or why everything seems to make me sink into the depths of my brain and heart. I feel myself sinking and I'm grasping to figure out why I feel the way I do.
I am very grateful that tomorrow is Friday, I'm hoping to relax all weekend and start fresh on Monday. I want to stop feeling this way, i want to be happy and excited again, I hate feeling sad for no reason and creating problems in my head.
Not a good week
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Career
I have never wanted a career, I went to university because it was expected of me. I got a job to be able to not live with my parents anymore and support myself financially. Since I was a little girl all I wanted was to be a mom, to raise my kids (when I have them). I have known this my whole life and it is actually the only thing I am certain of in my life.
I hate alarm clocks, hate running on someone else's schedule, hate having other people make my decisions. I work because it is a means to an end, a way to pay my rent essentially.
When I started Arbonne I thought of it as an opportunity for me to make money, something I would potentially be good at. I thought I would sell some products and make some fun money. During the last month I have been slowly learning that this may be something really special.
Today I went to a training session put on by Arbonne for the DM's in the company. During the session I actually felt, for the first time in my life, career drive. I saw the women at the retreat and the success they have had and I want it. The women have so much passion, they have seen this opportunity change so many lives and I just wanted to talk to them the whole day and take all their knowledge.
I want the success they have, I want the success I can see myself having.
I hate alarm clocks, hate running on someone else's schedule, hate having other people make my decisions. I work because it is a means to an end, a way to pay my rent essentially.
When I started Arbonne I thought of it as an opportunity for me to make money, something I would potentially be good at. I thought I would sell some products and make some fun money. During the last month I have been slowly learning that this may be something really special.
Today I went to a training session put on by Arbonne for the DM's in the company. During the session I actually felt, for the first time in my life, career drive. I saw the women at the retreat and the success they have had and I want it. The women have so much passion, they have seen this opportunity change so many lives and I just wanted to talk to them the whole day and take all their knowledge.
I want the success they have, I want the success I can see myself having.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Unsure
If I could stop the chatter in my head I would be eternally grateful, I know that makes me sound like I hear voices but I don't. It's always my own voice, but its always making judgements, worrying, planning worst case scenarios, not letting me be for a moment. I was on a really large high on Thursday after I made Disrict and I was so content with the way things were. Now it is Sunday and I had an amazing weekend with friends and great weather. Now I am torturing myself with thoughts that I should have worked more this weekend, I should have made more connections, made myself available, I should have grown my business. It's like I cannot appreciate the hard work I did and feel like I always have to keep pushing. Maybe this thinking is what will make me successful but I hate the guilt. I hate feeling like I should be doing Arbonne because it immediately makes me want to recoil from it. That should is like a poisonous snake that I want to stay away from always.
I have 4 parties this week and a nation meeting, I feel I should prepare a little more and work towards being a good sales woman. That should is dangerous, I love this business and I don't want it to become a should. I want it to be fun, but a little voice in my mind reminds me of the investment I put in, the sales requirement I need to meet now that I am at the district level, the support I have to lend my new consultant. I am overwhelmed by expectations to do a good job, so scared of not meeting them.
I have been told to try and take the rules away from my life, to try and just live and not worry about the outcomes. I was raised to do everything I could to make a good future for myself, though I think somewhere along the way someone forgot to tell me how to enjoy, I am constantly preparing but never enjoying. I want to let go of my insecurities, I want to be able to just let it come, do what I want when I want and not worry about the outcome. It may seem like such an easy concept to others but for me it is a struggle. Setting goals leads to possible failure, which I am scared of, but I don't really know how to live without goals.
I have these days where I am unsure, I know they pass but I still hate them.
I have 4 parties this week and a nation meeting, I feel I should prepare a little more and work towards being a good sales woman. That should is dangerous, I love this business and I don't want it to become a should. I want it to be fun, but a little voice in my mind reminds me of the investment I put in, the sales requirement I need to meet now that I am at the district level, the support I have to lend my new consultant. I am overwhelmed by expectations to do a good job, so scared of not meeting them.
I have been told to try and take the rules away from my life, to try and just live and not worry about the outcomes. I was raised to do everything I could to make a good future for myself, though I think somewhere along the way someone forgot to tell me how to enjoy, I am constantly preparing but never enjoying. I want to let go of my insecurities, I want to be able to just let it come, do what I want when I want and not worry about the outcome. It may seem like such an easy concept to others but for me it is a struggle. Setting goals leads to possible failure, which I am scared of, but I don't really know how to live without goals.
I have these days where I am unsure, I know they pass but I still hate them.
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