Unsure

If I could stop the chatter in my head I would be eternally grateful, I know that makes me sound like I hear voices but I don't. It's always my own voice, but its always making judgements, worrying, planning worst case scenarios, not letting me be for a moment. I was on a really large high on Thursday after I made Disrict and I was so content with the way things were. Now it is Sunday and I had an amazing weekend with friends and great weather. Now I am torturing myself with thoughts that I should have worked more this weekend, I should have made more connections, made myself available, I should have grown my business. It's like I cannot appreciate the hard work I did and feel like I always have to keep pushing. Maybe this thinking is what will make me successful but I hate the guilt. I hate feeling like I should be doing Arbonne because it immediately makes me want to recoil from it. That should is like a poisonous snake that I want to stay away from always.

I have 4 parties this week and a nation meeting, I feel I should prepare a little more and work towards being a good sales woman. That should is dangerous, I love this business and I don't want it to become a should.  I want it to be fun, but a little voice in my mind reminds me of the investment I put in, the sales requirement I need to meet now that I am at the district level, the support I have to lend my new consultant. I am overwhelmed by expectations to do a good job, so scared of not meeting them.

I have been told to try and take the rules away from my life, to try and just live and not worry about the outcomes. I was raised to do everything I could to make a good future for myself, though I think somewhere along the way someone forgot to tell me how to enjoy, I am constantly preparing but never enjoying. I want to let go of my insecurities, I want to be able to just let it come, do what I want when I want and not worry about the outcome. It may seem like such an easy concept to others but for me it is a struggle. Setting goals leads to possible failure, which I am scared of, but I don't really know how to live without goals.

I have these days where I am unsure, I know they pass but I still hate them.