When I started blogging no one knew about it, so I was very honest and very raw. The more my friends found out about the blog the more I started to censor myself, though I didn't realize it at first. The more I wrote the more I want it to be pretty and concise and have well developed themes but it may be taking away from the emotion I am conveying. I'm hesitant to write about what I am feeling, I am hesitant to let my feelings out. This is an old habit that I have been trying to get rid of but I guess what I am going through in my life has left me uncertain.
Right now on paper my life is in shambles, I left a secure job for something I thought was better, it wasn't. This not only leaves me with a crappy job but also with this confusing sense of where did I go wrong. I am so confused about how I ended up with this situation and now I don't trust my decisions. I went to Vegas and forgot about my problems for a little while, now I am home and have to face my reality. I went to a staffing company today to apply and see about the opportunity they have for me. Everything went well but I'm unsure because I made a horrible decision about my last job and I have lost all of my confidence. I can't pick out what is good and what isn't anymore, I thought I could trust my gut, I just don't know.
Along with the job confusion I went to Vegas and came face to face with how I used to act. Constantly looking to others for approval, doing things I didn't want to do to please others, keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace, justifying every action, judging other people. All of these things make my stomach turn at the person I used to be, at points I wanted to recoil from the thought that I used to act this way. My boyfriend says I wasn't as bad as the girls but I can see it, and it terrifies me. I never want to be that way ever again. I want to have control over my life, I want to surround myself with people who I love and who love me. The negativity I dealt with this weekend has been eating at my soul.
I feel stability wavering, I don't know what I need, I'm not sure I even know what I want, I'm a little lost, I need to find my way back
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