The last couple of days have been interesting. On Tuesday I woke up in a perpetual state of panic due to a vivid dream I had about a very close friend of mine who died when I was in University. The dream details have since faded from my mind but I do remember the pain and anguish I felt along with the tears I woke up with.
The dream residue stayed with me all day at work and forced me into a self exploration; why I was so effected by this dream and what I am looking for in my life. My beloved J was a person to live her life to the fullest, to always be the one to say yes, when I so often say no. It made me reflect on myself, and I'm not sure I know what's looking back at me.
Because of this world shattering dream I spent last night in deep thought, looking at every aspect of my being and trying to find an answer to my growing anxiety. The dream brought the feelings out; though I had no idea what the feelings meant or why I was feeling them. When evaluating my life its hard not to pretend that everything is okay, I strive towards happiness and sometimes its just easier to lie. But eventually the lie, like any lie, catches up with me and I am faced with fear, anxiety and questions to which I am too scared to answer.
The evening of deep thought lead to another day of anxious feelings. All day at work my heart was in my throat, my blood was pounding through my veins, and at some points my hands were shaking. This physical reaction to stress that I experience makes me curse the instinct that leads me to lie to myself in the first place. But I always do it, I always lie, until I can't anymore.
Sometimes you need truth
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